I had to reframe my thinking around “giving in” to my kid. How many things in life do I expect to be hard rules? Do I think less of an authority figure who can be flexible?
Safety is the big one and at this age that includes hygiene and lots of other things. So if I set a hard line there I enforce it. But we can do it a different way if the other way is equal. Hold hands OR be carried across a parking lot. Coat on the nice way, coat zipped on backwards OR arms shoved in and zip you up like a tube it is -9 you ARE wearing a coat. My kids travel toothbrushes ended up out, so now they sometimes brush with their travel brush.
So how far would I go? Unless both kids were equally devoted to the same colour I wouldn’t buy more. I would let the kid set the table. I would let them wash it if it was dirty.
If it turned out to be the key to preventing further meltdowns* vs just a preference I’d make sure it didn’t get lost/buy more while we trouble shoot.
I would talk to him about it outside the heat of the moment. I would need back up plans and emergency plans and what if we are not home. One of my goals is for my kids to reach a point where they either don’t need a hefty accommodation, or they can navigate their own accommodation. We may not succeed in that.
But tantrums and giving in I think only we know our kids and even then we don’t. I have definitely said no to my big kid on something then realized he was verbalizing a need to regulate.
My little one is in the big yes/no/tantrum phase, so I do say no lots. For dish ware or a snack I might offer a second choice but no more than that. He is learning that mama says no.
Both my kids also know that I try to be fair. If I dug my heels in and shouldn’t have, I’m modelling tantrums. So when I’ve done it I talk it out. I have big feelings too.
my older kid has never really tantrummed, he either says no and responds like an adult or he has a meltdown. If he’s having a meltdown and we can fix it easily for the future, we do that.
Ok and this is where I struggle. I feel like we have worsened the tantrums by being overly accommodating. She never used to make a big deal out of the blue cutlery or being the one to set the table until recently when we started giving in every time. She used to get a little fussy about wanting the blue fork, but I’d say it was in the dishwasher and she’d pout then move on. Now it’s all out tantrum if it’s not available immediately. I’m not sure if that’s due to parenting being too accommodating or just a developmental phase she’s going through.
I guess it depends on what you, and she want to accomplish. This doesn’t seem like a case where you’re going to do her damage by letting her use the stuff.
The independence goal is for 18 for me. Or 40. Just eventually.
It might be a little of both (accommodating + developmental). I’ve noticed my 3yo get more particular about certain things lately because he now has the ability to make multi-step plans in his head. There is a vision and we are all pawns in his game.
Would some lower stakes advance notice work? Like, “In a few minutes it will be lunch time. Do you want to set the table now or do you want to keep playing and come after Mom has it ready?” Super personality dependent, but for us a few minutes of heads up and an artificial choice helps minimize meltdowns a lot.
We’ve also been trying to introduce some small, regular uncertainty. “You want the octopus whisk for hot chocolate? Ok, let’s see if it’s clean. It might still be dirty, and if it is, we’ll choose something else.” Sometimes he insists but it’s 50/50 on whether the alternative is ok, which is tolerable to me at this age.
It’s partly developmental. But it has helped give me credit with my kid that I don’t pick fights about little things (or at least I don’t when I’m fully rested and fed and therefore less grumpy, like any human) so that other times my no is a hard no. He also knows that safety is mom and dad’s #1 job. Like if you ask him “What’s mommy and daddy’s job?” he says “Keep me safe”. He may not like that I’m saying no to something because of safety, he might still act like a butt about it, but he knows I’m not going to move on that point. They’re kinda getting into older kids stuff but we laid the foundation for it from day one.
To put another perspective on this, there’s a kids book “Have you filled a bucket today?” about doing nice things for others. I think in your shoes I would do the book and include “make sure blue fork is clean” into the dinner prep routine and then have language like “here’s your blue fork, I washed it because I knew this makes you happy. Did that fill up your bucket?” as a way for to show her that the blue fork didn’t magically get clean and maybe she can do something nice in return.
I got that on your recommendation. I absolutely hated it- it felt saccharine and moralizing to read. And you know what? Latte fucking LOVES IT and uses the language extensively of her own volition. The recording I made was the main go to track on her Yoto for a couple weeks. So while I find it physically painful to read, 10/10 useful and beloved by the child. So I big thank you (mostly ) for that recc a couple months ago.
I think I picked it up at the same time and someone else recommended it, thankfully I only had to read it once or twice. Kiddo will now be like: “I like that shirt mama. (pause for my response) Did that fill up your bucket???” and also then I must immediately compliment something back.
Ok, ok, point taken. I don’t think of it as picking fights but I can see how situations could be read that way. I am just as stubborn as she is, but I suppose being the one in my 30s I can bend a little more than the 4 yo.
I borrowed the bucket book from the library. Let’s see if this helps transform me into a more compassionate parent lol.
A really useful phrase I’ve seen is “you don’t have to show up to every battle they invite you to”. If it were up to my 4 year old, there would be 500 screaming matches a day in this house.
Hello! It’s so nice to catch up on this thread and read from other people in the thick of it who care so much about parenting.
We are on night 5 of horrific bedtime meltdowns. It doesn’t help that kiddo has a cold but I feel like she leveled up her strategies and we haven’t had time to catch up.
One of the many new things that’s getting me: Isn’t the copy cat thing supposed to start closer to 4 or 5? My 3.5 year old now demands to have the last word before I close the door to her bedroom at bedtime AND demands that her last word be verbally acknowledged (catch 22). This then devolves into her copy-catting everything I say and eventually a meltdown.
“Goodnight”
“Goodnight…I said goodnight”
“Ok”
“OK…I Said OK!”
“Thanks, I heard you.”
“Thanks I Heard you Too!”
“Ok I’m closing the door now”
“Ok I’m closing the door now too!!! No Mommy! I said I’m closing the door too! Mommy!!! Mommy!!!”
And she’ll loose it for 5-10 minutes until I give in and come back or she throws up and I have to come back.
I have no help Pumpkin occasionally copies too. And then cackles her witch’s cackle.
My only saving grace for myself is that my kids inherited my falling asleep and will pass out midsentence (eventually). I wish I could bottle and send it to others
(Pumpkin is 2.5 but has an older sibling so maybe picked it up off them…)
I’m not sure if this is help or makes it worse but around this time DD and I started this “I love you, goodnight, goodnight I love you.” We both say it on repeat as I walk away and until the door is shut, almost like a fade out (getting quieter as I walk away) and in a silly way. That way it’s the same last words every time, and we’re both saying it together.
Ooo this might work! Last night I had two more opportunities (at 10pm and 2am…yay) and had success by saying “ok I’m going to walk to the door now, we’ve said our good night’s so we’re both going to zip our lips closed and be very quiet” but she was already worn down and exhausted so I’ll keep this in my pocket for normal bedtimes.
I’ve had some (minor) success with telling my 4.5 year old that I’ll come check on her in 5 minutes, then setting a timer and coming back. I’ve had to do it more than once in a night, but I start increasing the time by 5 minutes a visit, otherwise it’s ridiculous.
I’ve also had a sobbing kid come in at 2 am because they thought I forgot to come check on them, so…it’s also helpful to let them know that if they’re asleep when you check on them, you’ll put a specific toy/stuffed animal in bed with them so they know you were there.
Does anyone have reasonably effective art supply storage solutions?
Our front closet is our art supply spot, but it is ALWAYS messy - a failure of both the space and my kids’ organizational skills. But we kind of just threw it together with what we had, and I’d like to upgrade if possible.
I’m also considering just getting my kids tackle boxes for portable art things, but we’ll see if that’s feasable.
Yes! We got this thing recently and it has improved craft storage exponentially. I also know there are some really great things at IKEA but I’m not making the 2.5 hour IKEA trip anytime soon.
IRIS USA Fits 12" x 12" Paper, 6-Tier ScrapbookRolling Storage Cart with Organizer Top for Papers Vinyl Tools Office Art and Craft Supplies, Yarn, White Frame with 6 Clear Cases w/ Built in Handle Amazon.com
That is similar to some other things I was looking at, thanks for confirming that it does help
ETA - I just realized that the drawers are REMOVABLE CASES, and that’s super cool!
My IKEA is only an hour and a bit away, and I’m still not driving that far for craft storage (and miscellaneous unplanned purchases), so I appreciate the link.
Same
Pumpkin occasionally copies too. And then cackles her witch’s cackle.