A major complaint of Montessori is that they end up self selecting very heavily for “type of kid”. It’s why, even though I was a success in Montessori story, it didn’t fit for my oldest. It is a very specific pedagogy and esp the way it’s applied in a lot of programs ends up super rigid. That being said, yeah, I wonder if talking to the teachers and them clarifying what they mean would help.
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I low key hate it.* But it’s not worth switching at this point. HERE WE COME, PUBLIC SCHOOL!
NOT the montessori philosophy a la carte, no one be alarmed. I think it’s just really Feeling Itself sometimes with the specific language and requirements.
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I have nothing to offer on parental differences, but would be happy to contribute scenarios or responses to an appropriate place if it helps.
I’m doing my best to think of my small child’s behavior as “she is doing her best” because I truly believe she is. And when she screams in my face with rage about something it’s because she did do her best but she’s 3, so I keep doing my best to stay calm (which is usually better than hers because I’m 40) and save talking about whatever happened and why we don’t scream in people’s faces for when we are reset.
Sometimes my best isn’t what I want it to be because “The shoes. Are RIGHT THERE. All we have to do. Is PUT THEM ON FEET.” But she is still 3 and she is still trying her best.
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My husband also is concerned about our kids being disrespectful, but I did not know this was a widespread phenomenon. I thought it was just because of his extremely conservative upbringing. Very interesting to hear that this is common.
I don’t have much advice around overcoming it. I’m the designated parenting researcher in our family, so I just told him what I had read. Also in our case some close friends of ours have kids that are absolutely wild, so spending time with them often helps him reset his expectations.
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Ah so I should send Meow videos of Latte. Got it 
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I don’t have experience as a parent, but have sort of experienced one as a child. I was raised in an immigrant-strict family. My parents were was on the more relaxed end, but they still did ruler slaps and lectures – conformity discipline, basically.
I graduate, move across the country, and my brother reaches his teenage years. Then he manages to change their mind about parenting style by negotiation and diplomacy. I stan.
It was a lot of years (like 2-3 years) of conversation. I think his premise was basically “your way isn’t getting the results you want”.
And now my kids get the much gentler version of their grandparents, too.
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Very common thought process, for sure, and an extremely common wish or goal, right? We all just want our kids to do what we tell them to do, yes, please, life is hard enough, come on kid!!
For my kids’ dad, it seemed to help him to remind himself that he didn’t actually, truly want a super obedient kid. He has this chant he has for years repeated to himself, “Anything but a mush.” Because for him that was a value. He has his reasons, I’m not 100% sure what they are but based on his own personality and his own upbringing and his own father issues. My point in telling you is not as an answer for your husband, I don’t know that this particular reframing would work for him. Just to suggest that everyone is different and has their own motivators.
“Anything but a mush” does nothing for me, personally. I am rather different than my co-parent. Because I am the way I am, I took this same situation and thought, well, “should” doesn’t matter. Who cares about how they should behave when they aren’t behaving that way? Fuck should! The point is, they won’t do what I tell them to immediately and it’s annoying. How can I get them to do what I want sooner? Do I tell them a different way? Do I need to change my behavior/actions/words? Do I need to provide them something that helps them with the transition? Do I need to come up with something that motivates them to want to do what I say when I say it? I just go into full analysis mode and try to figure out the best-for-me solution, like what will both work for them and is something I can live with. Because that is what works for me, which is different than what worked for him.
So all that to say, you know your husband. What do you think could work for him? My advice is to guide him away from worrying about respect and tap into what will be meaningful for him based on who he is. Kinda the same as what you would do for Meowlet. 
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I’ve got other mantras that helped my co-parent throughout the years. Let me know if you want them!
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I think something that has helped us in general is being in public spaces with lots of kids (kids museums, play dates, parks, etc) and looking around and seeing the whole range of kid behavior rather than some idealized version in our heads.
My parents like to tell the story about how embarrassed they were when I was little and always cried when leaving a friends house after a playdate. Now that I have kids, I think “I was max 4 at the time! All the 4 year olds around me cry when they get the wrong plate! Why was this a big deal?”
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The three things that make small children easy to live with are:
- obedience
- sleeps a lot
- eats anything.
And yet, none of those are qualities that we especially admire in adults, are they?
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Thanks all for the feedback! I appreciate it. He’s a great co-parent and was the one who specifically requested the coaching resources from our school and taking the role of organizing the appts for that and also the neuropsych eval for Meowlet (at our docs rec). So at least he’s taking on that labor.
I’m sure that all of these combined will give us a great foundation for evidence based knowledge. And I’ll definitely take the advice to continue leaning into shared values and high exposure to a variety versions of “normal.”
I’m reframing that this push and pull between each other is an example of him being invested in the process, instead of being frustrated that he won’t … Just do what I say 
FUNNY HOW THATS FULL CIRCLE.
PS: sorry for wasting everyone’s time tbh. I was SO frustrated and apparently triggered by this whole disrespect thing HAHAHA. That’s work I have to do. I realize now I was giving an impossible question and you all did really help me through it.
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Anyone have experience with gas drops or gripe water? GM is convinced baby is he having false starts going to sleep due to gas. She’s been super farty and with a lot of patting and bouncing will eventually let out a huge burp.
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My experience is 12 years old, but both J’s used gripe water.
If they were fussing and nothing seemed to be helping, they were fed/dry/etc, I’d give a dose.
I don’t know if it actually helped or if it was placebo effect, but they did seem to sleep better after it.
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I tried it but didn’t notice much. What really worked for us was infant tummy massage. There are some good YouTube videos that can show you how to help them expel it.
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Agree. And colic carry.
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Colic carry helped us. And some homeopathic drops that I can remember the packaging of. A SIL did gripe water.
Just make sure it is a safe to be sold one and not a fifties sugar and booze formula and you’re good
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D2 was very gassy and colicky and gripe water and gas drops did nothing to help. We figured out she was sensitive to dairy, soy, and egg. We started by stopping dairy (me, I stopped eating dairy) and then she got a little better but not perfect. So then we dropped soy too and once again she got better but not perfect. Then once I dropped egg as well everything was much better. It’s hard though because it can take up to 2 weeks for the sensitive proteins to leave your breast milk, so it takes awhile to figure it all out. Those are the top 3 sensitivities for babies and our ped said to try them in that order.
Obviously any formula you give also has to be free of those proteins. We kept trying nutrimigen, which is the only one the ped said she could have with dairy and soy sensitivities, but she would not drink from a bottle so we were stuck with BF only.
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Pumpkin had a LOT of gas problems. Turned out she was latching poorly on one side, so with the lactation consultant’s help we got better at burping her and fixed the latch, partly by doing football hold on the dodgy side and a bit more turning practice to make sure she played evenly and built the muscles more evenly.
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Oh yeah, that’s a good point. Her gassiness improved massively after I dropped dairy and soy. Still not perfect, but better.
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