11/12, so that is the perfect age range! I will check it out
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i’ve messed up my kid’s brain
i realize that i keep telling him he’s perfect. i say “you’re perfect” or “you’re perfect just the way you are.” which is bad. because no one is perfect.
how do i unravel my stupidity and make this better?
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“You’re perfect for our family”
“I love your curiosity”
“I will love you the mostest no matter what”
“Hm, what happened here? Should we
try again?”
“Oops, mama made a mistake. How should we fix it?”
“I love watching you ____”
Spore seems to be a bit of a perfectionist already (and I personally know all the downsides of that) so I’m working on being intentional about instilling grit over perfection/talent too.
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I think I’d have better advice/scripts if I knew what the situations were that make you say “you’re perfect”? But generally, we try to praise hard work and persistence. Kiddo somehow came preprogrammed with a decent amount of baseline persistence so that’s handy for things like not giving up on things he wants but of course he’s a kid so we also have to teach him to be persistent on things he doesn’t like.
I’ve also gotten books like an absolute favorite of mine, “Where Oliver Fits” by Cale Atkinson. A little puzzle piece Oliver keeps trying to change himself to fit in places where he doesn’t actually belong. It’s hard and it doesn’t make him happy. In the end he does find where he fits but I think there’s an important message about the outside world communicating that he needs to change to meet their needs. So this kinda comes at it from a different direction, you’re the perfect you but that doesn’t mean you’re perfect for this particular spot/role/task/whatever as he gets into being school aged. (Also despite all the puzzle imagery used by autism organizations, this book doesn’t seem to have anything to do with that from what I’ve seen. It’s a book for everyone. Hell, I think a lot of adults could benefit from reading it.)
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“I am always on your side”
When he gets older, or maybe even now, you can add “but I need the whole story”
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Thanks all! We definitely praise the process over the results and talk a lot about why mistakes are good for learning and how everyone makes mistakes or there are accidents sometimes. I guess I was just worried about the use of the word. I can just not use it and opt for different words and have a conversation about all the ways that perfect is used and what it means.
I love that book rec @meerkat thank you.
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We usually say “I really like you!” Or “I think you’re so special/cool” instead of perfect.
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“You work so hard!”
I am fairly restrained with praise, because I am all about intrinsic motivation rather that extrinsic.
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You are perfect to me. You are my perfect boy/child/robot/paleontologist/engineer
For both of you: I am good inside, no matter how much I struggle I am perfect and deserve love and respect. Maybe write it on the bathroom mirror?
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Asking the experts: does this work as a way to get kids to sleep or calm down? I’m curious because I read so many struggles about getting kids to sleep and stay there.
Yes it’s true that the descendants of Descartes did absurd things like suggesting parents not touch kids. Yes it is true that parents touch kids. Yes there are sometimes cultural names or patterns to those touches. Yes it is possible to study the effect of those touches
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I guess I’m curious if this is a technique that works or this is the parenting equivalent of asking if someone has tried yoga. It sounds a little too good to be true to me.
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In my White Americans culture we do this too, source: me
Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t
I can say if I said my kid took forever to fall asleep someone said well have you tried to caress the back of their head yes it would irritate the **** out of me
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The author also wrote a book about parenting:
I can’t help but wonder if it’s fair to study how different cultures parent and conclude that the difference is in the parenting techniques and disregard so many other aspects of Western / American culture.
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I mean. Can it? Yes. Is it perfect all times for all children? No. Wanna know what happens if I try to touch Latte at ALL when she’s already pissed? At best she runs away screaming at me. For pre bed cuddles, she doesn’t like me touching her head. Knee is a yes. Head is a no. She’s very clear about her preferences there.
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IMO this is a huge reach and sounds like a reporter being told to do science writing and find an interesting angle for parents, which sleep always is. In other words, I don’t think one particular kind of scratching caress that varies in the ratio of enjoyment to pressure/technique is gonna do anything. All parents have tried every single form of soothing anything to get their kids to sleep. Bouncing on yoga balls, butt pats, gently resting your hand on their chest, warming the crib with a heating pad, white noise, fake white noise, etc.
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Gently, I am not sure the direction of your questions. Suggesting anything, without being asked, to a parent is a bit like doing the “have you tried yoga”.
What the article above showed is that some kinds of touch have studied benefits in a population (children). Several yoga protocols have also been studied in certain populations and been found effective. Pharma drugs have also been studied and found effective and so have other parenting strategies
I haven’t read that book but I know people who have. It is part of a wave of books just before my 16yo niece was born which promoted attachment parenting with anecdotal evidence (and a gross exoticsm). Baby led weaning, baby wearing, cosleeping and elimination communication all got to be cool for a while. All the parenting techniques get their turn to be cool. The ones that don’t work lose their turns.
For example, not touching kids turns out to cause attachment disorders, but the other elements of schedule led babies work great - taking cara babies is a popular source. Baby led schedules and attachment parenting have different benefits, but cosleeping and sleep training both have studies showing parents get more sleep.
All parents are generally aware that multiple approaches exist and/or do what their ancestors did.
So I’m not sure what you want us to do, go find a korean grandma to teach me the magic scratchy pet and tell you if it works on my kids? Tell you if we’ve been hiding the magic scratchy pet from you in a conspiracy? Advise you to tell parents in your social circle to suggest or not suggest the magic scratchy pet?
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Agreed.
For the book she lived with families in three different places, and maybe it was a great way to write off some travel expenses. And it’s hard to believe this is something that American parents don’t do / haven’t tried, and that if it did work, people would have been all over it before she “discovered” it.
I’m looking for recommendations of media for my husband.
Videos are good, podcasts are good. Books are slightly less good, although audiobooks could be ok. He’s not on social media much but could possibly be convinced to look at Instagram.
Looking for info on toddlers/little kids (age 2-5). When they are acting out, looking for attention and drama, he gives it to them. He knows that that’s what they are doing, but just can’t seem to remain neutral in tone in the moment. He also has random ideas about what behavior is age appropriate and what isn’t, that I think is basically wishful thinking without any basis in reality (Such as, why does the toddler not understand the logic that I calmly just explained - ha).
He needs some resources that will give actual scripts to problems, and if the delivery could be with a bit of sarcasm or dry humor that would be even better. He finds Dr. Becky a little condescending and a lot boring. I’ve looked for local parenting classes or groups but only found things for uninvolved dads looking to build relationship from scratch, or assist dads reintegrating after being in prison. It doesn’t have to be dad-specific, but ideally not overly motherly either.
Any thoughts or recommendations?
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The how to talk so kids will listen. Books have cartoons. You could learn a lot just by reading the cartoons!
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