It’s been helpful to think about what’s worked for us.
I think the most successful was leaning into empathy and doing something that soothes him (rocking in the chair with a hug). I will also try the trick of drawing/visual cue or set a timer to talk about the toy.
Listened to a cool podcast on the way to PT that went in depth on perseveration. It’s from an autistic perspective but was surprised to hear it’s common for people with OCD (me) and ADHD (MrM). Also learned more about processing speed and language since I’ve noticed MrM sometimes gets stuck on words. Cool to know why.
I also wonder if starting conversations on sticky thoughts would be helpful. It was helpful for me as an OCD person with lots of intrusive thoughts aka cognitive perseveration.
I’m glad the perseveration term helped give you a direction! It’s a thing in anxiety too, which is how the friend who told it to me knew of it.
A couple phrases I realized I do use a lot with her:
“I’ve already answered this. It seems like you’re really concerned about this.” And “we’ve talked about that already. what else would you like to know?”
I don’t really know about perseveration, but your nimber one sounded really good and appropriate. I see it as grieving. And they might mourn a toy as much as a person and that’s okay.
When he is really sick my kiddo still wants pink bottle. And I am kind of glad I threw it out because otherwise I would cave and give it to him, which doesn’t fit my other goals to parent him. So I agree it is sad and understand that he wants it. And we cuddle. Sometimes he wants the bike bottle, but usually not.
We have talked to our doctor about anger separate from this issue. And he basically can’t help beyond what we are finding in books and podcasts. The taking space for himself sounds pretty good. But that is coming from the perspective of someone who’s kid bites and hits etc. i am big on feeling the feeling but not doing the action. But everyone is different and I feel like we all handle anger super differently
Re anger, i do validate his feeling and say it’s okay but you can’t hurt yourself/others. But i really wish we could find an alternate way of channeling that feeling. Because i can SEE it’s just him getting overwhelmed.
Get a freestanding TP holder? Maybe on Buy Nothing and then regift it back on Buy Nothing in the future. Or at a store if time is more important than money.
We had one in a weird place so we removed it and replaced with this one. We used the adhesive to just stick it to the wall. Could you put it further back within her reach? It’s out of stock but I’m sure there is a similar one that is in stock YISSVIC Toilet Paper Holder with Shelf Adhesive Toilet Paper Phone Holder Wall Mounted Without Drilling Polished SUS 304 Stainless Steel for Standard Roll Paper Holder https://a.co/d/8HrZI1V
Oh that’s an idea- temporarily stick one closer would work. I’ll have to test though, it’s super tight in there so I don’t know if knees would hit. And a good friend is a wheelchair user and this bathroom is already a super tight fit, it’s the only ground floor one though. I guess that would be the benefit of the freestanding one, I could put it away for friend. Downside, Latte can steal it and use it as a coat rack or whatever chaos agent idea she has.
She has a hard time climbing up already though, she has to use the handles, so there’s nowhere for her to set it. Otherwise I would set some pre torn sections down for her if I could think of where.
Depends on the type of boundary. If it’s an item that’s the problem, it goes into time out not her. “I see you aren’t able to play with this appropriately. I’ll put it away for today and we’ll try again tomorrow” (cue her screaming, of course).
Depending on the available amount of grown ups we sometimes do, “If you can’t play nicely with Baby, then Baby and I will go in the other room while you play here” (with Dad), or vice versa.
I’m definitely looking for tips and tricks on this though, especially for outright refusal. I give choices but that doesn’t fool her. Which shoes A or B? NO SHOES. Ok, well we’re leaving, so you can walk with no shoes. NO NOT NO SHOES OUTSIDE. Ok then which shoes? NO SHOES. Ok then…consequence is you walk outside with no shoes. Carrying not always an option because other kid. Sometimes this ends in mild force, which I really hate to do. But life.
I did a lot of, “Do you need me to help you with that?” And then I’d have to get up and “help” them to do what I was asking. It was a pain in the butt it solved the problem without involving anything punitive.
