I can see where differences in ambition can cause issues if you don’t really discuss them and work through the differences to fold them into your future plan as a couple. Like, I have some friends and family members who have always planned to be stay at home moms. From day 1, that was their plan in life. There is nothing wrong with that at all, as long as they have a partner who supports that plan and they build their life around the plan that she will be a stay at home mom. It would be a big problem if they go into the marriage without ever discussing it and then are smacked in the face when she refuses to go to work.
I think what rubbed me the wrong way about this episode is that a person is more than just more than how much money they earn. Like, I can’t imagine dating someone for 2 years, I’m assuming being in love with them, and then finding out they make less than me and having that be a deal breaker, and telling them they have to earn more money before I’ll consider marriage. Something about that feels really yucky to me. Of course, on my end I married someone who was disabled, unemployed, and had $0 in savings. Obviously I loved him for who he was and didn’t care about his earning potential. That’s where I think I just have a very different outlook on life and what it means to be partners from the woman in this episode.
My first marriage had a lot of problems, but the deal breaker for my ex wife was absolutely that I became disabled during the marriage.
This time my partner knew what he was getting, and we still had 18 months of him adjusting in ways that were super hard for him.
My husband’s family is shockingly clear about their attitudes to disability and fulfilling your role, and are actively trying to hides kids’ disabilities. And I have very much seen it in the dating world, more so people hoping for a provider.
I’m listening to Emily and Alex now. Some thoughts:
I think they have the basic Saver vs. Spender dynamic. She’s a saver, he’s not. Perhaps he’s more of a YOLO type while she’s more of a FIRE type.
She wants him to earn more because she thinks he will save more. I have my doubts about that. I think he will just spend more.
There’s a side of, her way is the right way to handle money and what’s wrong with him that he doesn’t do that? She has some control issues that Ramit delved into more deeply.
Spoiler
Turns out she was in a bad marriage to someone with money issues who called her a parasite. She’s definitely brought some baggage into the relationships and Ramit did a reasonable job of addressing it and helping her to change her thinking.
I’m going to flip the concern raised above, because I think they are both equally likely to become disabled. If she became disabled, could he could support her? Would he divorce her?
To be clear, the possibility of one of them becoming disabled does not come up at all in this episode.
Today’s ep, Nate and Serena: loaning your fiance money to travel to visit family? Are you engaged or not? The only reason this man is travelling across the globe to meet your relatives is because he wants to be married to you (presumably she asked him, thinks its important to her) and you would make him pay you back?!?!?!
Is a large part of this trip also going to be tourist and superfluous fancy stuff?
FWIW i am not against splitting couples vacay 50/50, in my own case would probably prefer it…but in this specific context the math isnt mathing for me
Episode 73, Nate and Serena:
Run, Nate, run!
I played it on Youtube in the background while doing other things. Nate’s body language especially near the end was nice to watch.
Run, Nate, run. She’s a gold digger. She doesn’t care about you.
Serena’s “Nate is my peeeeerson” catchphrase complete with whiny baby voice is honestly alarming. I don’t like “gold digger” and what I’d call it might sound even harsher?
In many ways I actually respect Serena’s angle. Like, is it the worst thing in the world to be a “gold digger” if both parties are wise to the nature of the relationship? I dont think so. I understand her need to cling to her own funds after scrapping together student loan payments for many years. I can kind of understand the mindset that puts you in. People divorce sometimes and she wants to hoard her own money, OK. Still, this very much seems like a dating dynamic still and not two people planning to get married. Honestly, I can’t believe he proposed to her (statistically we have to assume?) when he said he feels like he has to grovel because his rent share burdens him and he can’t financially keep up with Serena’s social life (omfg) The double standards are like blatant. She doesnt want to help support Nate while he earns less than her as a medical resident, but she says when he’s a doctor making more than her she will expect to be taken care of and give sub 50%. I wish she would own up to the hypocrisy. She spells it out but won’t admit what everyone else sees? We know she has to be smarter than that. If she said it straight up like “this is what I want because I want it” and not her weird manipulative phrasing. I don’t think this conversation can be resolved in any way without hitting that first milestone.
As usual, Ramit is confusing and makes little headway. I think his “omg Serena would make her kids sleep outside in the rain for getting a bad grade” was weird and uncalled for and not really connected to moving the conversation produvtively anyway.
Lmfao, I was chuckling about the Gossip Girl pairing too. This episode was filmed and we can see them, so with first names only I’m not sure what the point of fake names would be. Like net zero privacy measures.
Also, I kind of cannot believe Serena agreed to show her face on this given how bad this makes her look, combined with her lack of confidence in what she says and what she’s asking for? Again, props to her, and weirdly it makes me respect her more. But the confidence to show your face then not stand behind the words you say.
I’m about to WATCH this episode. Weird. I’m strangely nervous.
First thought: My brain Ramit looks so different than real Ramit. This is like Hermione Granger all over again!
Ok so many thoughts so I'll spoiler
Don’t get me wrong. I, as well, do not care for scrubs. I heeded the wise words of TLC. But this lady who is about to marry this man, and has been with him for 7 years, AND who is only temporarily lower earning and will very soon make more money (aka "their money)… LEANT him money to go to Asia to visit her family???
I lived in NYC for a long time and $45k is alright but definitely not “I’m going on vacation to Asia” money there. She can’t just…pay? It’s $3k and she makes $80k. I do not understand. I’d get it totally if he were just a boyfriend/not that serious but she agreed to marry this guy! And she knows he will out earn her by a lot forever, like soon. I mean…why not be generous? LOL.
And even if we’re talking purely mercenary dating rules her strategy sucks. She’s risking $300k a year for life over $3,000. Dumb.
There is so much beating around the bush about crossing things off lists, making a plan for him to pay her back, how it stresses her out, etc.
She should just be honest, lol, she’s turned off being with a guy who owes her money. She finds being the payer to be a turnoff.
That’s why she keeps contradicting herself IMO. Saying she “doesn’t mind” splitting the bill but then also saying that she wishes he could treat her more but then admitting he does treat her more than she does him. But she wishes it was a bit more, etc. She’s turned off, that’s all, lol.
there’s a teaser in his instagram
um idk if thats a better or worse thing but i guess i will have to watch at least one!
(omfg) The double standards are like blatant. She doesnt want to help support Nate while he earns less than her as a medical resident, but she says when he’s a doctor making more than her she will expect to be taken care of and give sub 50%. I wish she would own up to the hypocrisy. She spells it out but won’t admit what everyone else sees? We know she has to be smarter than that. If she said it straight up like “this is what I want because I want it” and not her weird manipulative phrasing. I don’t think this conversation can be resolved in any way without hitting that first milestone.