oh, hey, it wasn’t just me being a lazy babysitter, sitting outside the door waiting for the kids to fall asleep, but being right there if actually needed. I feel my teenage instinct in this very particular case are validated.
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Having been through two toddlers, I am 0% expert at any of this. However, what has worked for each of my kids is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. To crazy degrees. So I don’t really have anything to add except that when you find what works for your kid, even if it works better some days than others, stick with it for that kid. And really, some days will be better or worse. Maybe he got a bad night’s sleep the night before. Maybe the day was just slightly disappointing in some vague way you will never understand. Who knows what sets them off?
My brother and I were just talking about a theory of child development which says that, until about age 8, kids are living entirely in a fantasy land. They just don’t understand enough of the world or how it works to be grounded in reality. During the toddler years they can speak, but they can’t logic and to them things kinda happen by magic. Occasionally I remind myself of this and it helps me to stay calm, or at least put it in perspective, when my toddler is screaming at me that “See??!! I DIDN’T NEED TO GO PEE!” as she’s peeing. (Twice this weekend she did that, and threw a shitfit the whole way to the bathroom.) Or telling me that she’s too cold, and that’s why she can’t possibly put on clothes.
I hope it helps to know that it’s not you, it’s them. Toddlers are little crazy people.
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I was hanging out in my friend’s front yard yesterday while she ended up doing a quick work call, with her three toddlers. I remember when my son was 234 I was already pretty sure I would suck it parenting other people’s kids that age because it was hard enough figuring out my own kid. But dang I am out of practice corralling 2-year-olds testing boundaries and the three year old laughing and egging them on and three kids screaming as high pitched and loud as they can at 7:00 p.m. enough that the neighbor came outside pretending to walk her dog and just stood in the yard and stared at me 
(I know they have no nearby neighbors with small children to be woken up but the volume was still horrifying). I made up a story about sleeping baby bunnies to try to minimize that. It was not successful.
Also many repetitions of keeping one of them out of the road (standing at the edge of the grass looking at me taking a step in the road hahaha) and him running away back towards the house saying “I don’t want to go in the house I don’t want to go in the house” before I even said anything about him going in the house if he kept up his boundary testing so he’s apparently very familiar with that line of cause and effect
I have not laughed so hard all year. It was so fun but would have been terrifying and stressful if my friend was actually not home and waaay more stressful if I was the parent, for sure.
That’s a whole off topic ramble to say HOLY SMOKES all of you - you are DOING GREAT no matter how crappy your days feel. Like SisterX said, toddlers don’t live by the rules of our planet and you’re doing great!
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This thread was recommended to me by OMD after I posted about the tantrum my almost 5 year old is throwing about bandages for his jump rope snake.
Thanks for reminding me that other people get upset at their insane kids too, and also that there are better ways than being completely overwhelmed at all the screaming and yelling at him for yelling (yes, I see the irony even as I do it, but I can’t stop because otherwise he just yells louder, and so do I and I need them to go to daycare now kthanksbye).
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You are a v. good friend, @katscratch!
Spouse and I joke about the time we were on a camping trip in Morocco and a snake charmer came to visit. Unlike the Aladdin version of snake charming, he was more of a snake coaxer/herder and behavior was not exactly guaranteed. Whenever he got one baaaaarely under control, he would open a wooden box and introduce a new snake… up to 5 or so. Now when the dog or baby are being wild we look at each other and say “Time to add a puff adder.”
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This feels like a fitting place to share this. After talking with one of my Group Chats, I sent this to Bestie (who knows Latte well and is a mom of 3).
Her reply made me laugh, and also experience the stages of grief a little
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I remember a friend telling me with wonder, when his daughter was a toddler: “I used to think they were just small humans and you could reason with them. But you can’t, because they’re insane.”
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Book recommendations?
So you know, I can … buy them and not read them?
I’m trying to make my way through “How to talk to little kids” at the moment, and I’m participating in this experimental “course” that Alexis Dubief (author of Precious Little Sleep) is running on FB. By participating I mean that I paid for the course and am in the group but haven’t gotten through much of the material.
Parenting Philosophy?
I have these vague ideas that I want to parent calmly, respectfully. I’m not entirely sure what that means other than what I’ve gleaned through instagram, and it doesn’t help that at the moment my parents are living with me, and that is not how they parented. But - I turned out okay? I think?
I was parented rather strictly, with the idea of “you do as you’re told”. My tendency is to go a little on the more lenient side as a counterbalance, but am also afraid to go too far.
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Any of Janet Lansbury’s books would fit the bill for gentle/respectful parenting philosophies. She also has a podcast called “unruffled”.
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Hi. Mama and baby tantrum team here
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I have both her books, and I started reading Elevating Child Care but I put it down when she was talking about asking her infant for permission to change their diaper, and never picked it back up again…
It keeps getting recommended by folks I respect so I really should just finish the books.
My ambition is greater than my follow-through. 
I don’t always agree with all her stuff/the REI stuff. (I am very pro tummy time, even if a kid can’t get there themselves, for example) but I never agree with 100% of ANY parenting stuff. I very much have to read or listen to everything with a “take what works, leave the rest” mindset, rather than an “adopting a holistic system” mindset. 
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Adults react in such funny ways
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I’m just going to pick this particular thing out because I have an actual opinion, lol. I think this is less a strategy thing than a mindset thing. I can count on one hand the time’s I’ve gotten truly upset when dealing with my (under one year old, extremely easy) baby, which I only say because it means two things:
Most of the time, when she’s losing her shit, I’m calm–like there’s nothing I have to do and nowhere I have to go that’s critically important, being a baby is hard, and when she chills out again after her rage against the diaper change, we hug and go back to whatever.
When I have gotten upset, it’s because she’s doing some totally normal baby thing, but I’m already overstressed and typically sleep deprived. In that moment I need a strategy for me to either regain my own calm or walk away (safely). A big part is noticing that feeling as it’s happening. Sometimes it’s enough to remind myself that she’s just a baby and being a baby is hard. Sometimes it’s that reminder and then also that she will not be harmed by putting her in the crib alone for a bit if I’m the one losing my shit.
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The family that tantrums together stays together.
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LOL! Then I guess my kids will be sticking with me forever…
I too have dreams of being a more patient person overall. I finally realized a little over a year ago that I likely have ADHD, and part of that is emotional dysregulation. Just knowing this actually helps me SO much. It helps to remind me, since my older kid also has ADHD, that sometimes we just clash because we’re both having a hard day for whatever reason. Sometimes it helps when I realize that I’m the one being unreasonable because Emotions, so I can be patient with myself and then move on. As adults we all expect ourselves to run at 100% all the time and then get upset when we’re less than perfect, even though the expectation itself is unreasonable. This helps me to put it in perspective. I also view it as a good time to model what I want. If I’m the one being ridiculous I take a moment to calm myself down, apologize, talk it out with them, etc.
I don’t really do resolutions anymore but I like the idea of a “theme” for each year. This year’s theme is patience, and it seems to be working. Soooo many times my spouse has given me props for keeping my patience when he’s had a hard time listening to whatever shit the kids are putting me through. That feels really good. If I’m losing it, just the word “patience” will float through my head and help to calm me down. I mean, I’m not perfect, but I’m getting much better.
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I know the request was for books but I think Seed and Sew and Big Little Feelings both have classes that would be great for this question of parenting more calmly. Seed and sew is more focused on meeting your own sensory needs than BLF but they both have a lot in common and I totally agree calmly parenting has more to do with mindset than strategy and the mindset is basically,”it’s totally developmentally appropriate for you to lose your shit on a regular basis and I’m here and love you and I’m getting my needs met enough in the rest of my life to not be triggered the hell out of your toddler tantrum most days”
BLF also does a tantrum Monday’s question box that’s always a good read about why we are yelling
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Serious question, is this possible for anyone during this pandemic? I feel like I can identify my needs until I’m blue in the face, but if I can’t DO anything about it, what then, you know? 
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Ooh I have thoughts!
First of all if you’re 2 working parents with no childcare, no. 100% not possible. When we did that I think we did manage to mostly only lose our shit at each other but I think that was a cooincidence.
1 parent works and the other doesn’t? Still no childcare? Pretty damn hard to get your needs met in a pandemic. Even worse if working partner is out of town all the time.
We have 1.5 FTE among the parents in my household and childcare most weeks. When childcare is closed, see above. When it’s open, I can get my needs met as long as kiddo goes to childcare each day all day, I get to see my therapist, and spend a not insignificant part of each day doing a bit of self care.
The pandemic definitely makes it so much harder. Even harder if your kid is high needs or you have to juggle a bunch of medical appts. Or your kid is high energy or highly spirited. I mean all the activités for taking care of that energy are closed!!
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Okay - what you and @frogger said about mindset is really helpful.
If I stop and reflect, the times when I’m losing my cool are generally during the one week a month that my husband and I are trying to juggle two jobs and a toddler, or when we’ve had multiple days in a row of bad sleep. The first part is coming to an end because of starting daycare, the second part is also improving now that we’ve nap-trained.
I am worried about being overwhelmed with logistics and things we have to do once we’re in daycare and back in the office full-time, but I guess we’ll tackle that part when we get there.
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