Ughh (Welcome to Tantrum Town)

How do we deal with tantrums again? Two year old is screaming bloody murder and pounding his crib because he doesn’t want bedtime.

This is very unusual for him. He isn’t in pain. He wants to read more books, or turn on the light, or go downstairs.

I basically just gave him two options calmly, which he refused, told him I was choosing for him, put him in the crib. And then the screaming began and I did all the feeling words stuff and tried to calm him down but he just got madder. So I said seems like you need some alone time and peaced outta there.

He’s still shouting about getting out of his crib.

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Big Little Feelings on IG is life saving lol

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I follow them but cannot remember anything in this instance unfortunately.

I also bought their class! Have not even started it.

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I think the only additional factor is that if you want you can go in and say something like “it seems like you’re still pretty upset, I’ll sit here as you calm down in case you need me”. Then sit against the wall. Or, you can wait outside of the room and just let it ride. If you already acknowledged the feeling and validated it and gave him some comfort but set the boundary, then you already did pretty much all you can I think.:woman_shrugging: Toddlers are just hard AF.

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Paging @LadyDuck I feel like she’s good with language around all this.

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For me what worked and what didn’t was really dependent on who my kid is and why he was tantrumming. We did the whole Honor the Impulse thing and that worked best for him. He did NOT respond well to us trying to name his emotions. He has never been a person who feels supported or validated by the other person deciding for him.

In a situation like yours the only thing that would have worked with my kid is to frame it in terms of his impulse to yell and flail about and my own needs for peace in the house. Like, it is perfectly okay for him to need to yell and get feelings out, but it is not okay to scream at me non stop and therefore I am putting him in his crib so that he can be in a safe place to scream and so that I can be in a safe place to not be screamed at.

It did not work immediately that’s for sure.

But over time he was able to identify his own impulses and go in a other room to yell on his own.
Or hit pillows or whatever.

It’s super trippy remembering that phase of parenthood because he is such a chill dude now!

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Thank you all! BJ I know you deleted your post but it was also helpful so thank you!!

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Yeah sorry, I’m in one of those weird moods where I second guess everything I say and assume the world secretly hates me and get mega overwhelmed. Ironically often triggered by a toddler screaming at me :woozy_face:

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Oh man! I’m sorry if I gave that impression, dude. No hate at all I promise. My first post was meant more to convey my level of exposure in case that was helpful. I actually did go scan their instagram because I thought maybe you meant specifically that something on there had popped up re this situation.

Was just typing fast and exhausted and not communicating right, my bad!!

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I am honoured that @Bracken_Joy thinks I’m good at the words around this.

For starters, what you did was excellent! You gave options, put him in a safe place, and let the tantrum run its course without backing down or giving in.
:star:

The rest is icing on that excellent basic cake. @katscratch is right that some kids don’t like their feelings being named for them. I’m just going to say what she said with new words because that can be helpful.

Most important: it’s not going to work the first tantrum. Or the fifth. But you’ll notice after a while, and then he’ll start to do more of the regulating himself and tell you that he’s doing it.

I’ve found Duckling is OK with it sometimes but if it’s a whopper of a tantrum and he’s completely unregulated, he can’t handle any of it and is more like what Kat described. Say what behaviour is OK and is not, and wait it out.

“I can see you need to hit. You can hit the pillow, but my job is to keep you and me safe and I will cannot hit me.” I have semi physically restrained him to cease the hitting, if he’s attempting to hit one of us or to break something, but otherwise let him go for it.

Sometimes, generally when he’s feeling the emotions but is way before he gets to tantrum level, we practice naming the emotions. I might give him options of feelings he can pick from. “Are you angry or frustrated? Happy or excited?” Etc.

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@Bracken_Joy that account looks amazing and I wish I’d had that as a resource when my son was little! Although I am VERY GLAD pinterest did not exist :laughing:

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I think BJ would have linked to Big Little Feelings, but here is another account called seed.and.sew who I like. This one is very relevant!

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Posting to follow!

Under a cut because thread hijack.

Tonight Baby Spore (previously angel sleeper, just turned 6 months) just decided to renegotiate bedtime. His opening offer was WAAAAAAAAAAAAH. We tried soothing, teething drops, feeding, cuddling. He countered with AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Then completely happy flirty smiling and happy kicking for two hours. Then sleepy at 9:30p and behaved exactly like a normal, calm bedtime, just two hours later.

I know this only gets harder, but allow me the illusion that this would be easier if he at least understood words.

I’ve learned a lot from various Instagrams (solid starts, safe beginnings, big little feelings), but eventually they get very insistent and FAR too much inside my head and I have to remind myself that each of them is one approach out of the dozens or hundreds that work around the globe. Honestly all y’all OMDers have been the best resource because of how varied and empathetic your experiences and advice are. Hence ptf!

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I went back and un deleted. I’m a stable genius today, don’t mind me :laughing:

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These days about 20% of my communication is panic texting to make sure I didn’t offend anyone

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I feel seen.

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ILU both.

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Oh thank goodness me too. These are my people.

I like both of the accounts listed. I think they both suggest both of the strategies outlined above. seed and sew also talks a lot about what sensory needs your kid might have that by being fulfilled might head off some tantrums. A ton of the info is about heading off tantrums. Once they’re started really all we can do is stay as calm as possible.

ETA and now I’m worried I said too much or too forcefully. To be honest I’m trying to join this conversation while also being pulled in multiple directions

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Honestly their discussion of sensory needs feeding into tantrums is useful for ME. :grimacing:

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Didn’t notice anything forceful. Actually tardis was talking about how she gets sensory overload and it turns into overwhelm, and I was like MAN THAT’S ME.

So makes lots of sense for a toddler haha

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