Hate everything about this! But glad you have clarity.
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Question on IVF and egg donation, spoilering in case it’s a sensitive subject; also because long.
Summary
We’ve been having the discussion on IVF and how far we’re willing to go to have a child. I’ve always been fairly ambivalent about having a genetic child vs a non-genetic child, but my husband only wants children that are genetically his. Besides if old fashioned sex did the trick it would likely be cheaper and easier than adoption.
So I’m wondering if going straight to frozen donor eggs is an option. Honestly I’m a little freaked about doing egg retrieval myself and nervous about the risk that I spend the $ and get no eggs, vs using eggs that are already successfully produced.
But I’m worried I’m being unethical by saying I’m not wanting to go through this major medical process myself, so I’m going to use the efforts of someone less financially fortunate than me. I’m also worried about successful egg thaw rates.
I don’t know what question I’m asking. Just looking for thoughts I guess?
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I can tell how badly you want to be a parent, and my heart hurts for you. This is so hard!
Thoughts
You don’t have to respond to me, just things to consider.
- Are you pretty familiar with the whole IVF process? If lower intensity interventions didn’t work for you and you did decide to do IVF with donor eggs, you’d still have to do all of the ouchie testing, PIO injections, potentially needle meds leading up to embryo transfer, embryo transfer(s), etc etc. You’d be awake for all of that but not the egg retrieval.
- Have you talked to our clinic about shared risk programs? I qualified for it and I am older than you and have DOR depending on which doctor you ask. There are definitely financial protections if, again, lower intensity stuff didn’t work for you.
- Have you dug into the horrible social media groups for the unhappy donor conceived people? It’s a very self selecting group, but I found it helpful as a way to think about the worst case scenario. E.g. I could end up with a kid who considers our donor their real dad and wants a relationship with him but no relationship with me because I kept them from their real dad. Bummer and I’ll do what I can to mitigate it, but a real scenario I could end up in. I know the other folks here who also used donor gametes took it really really seriously, it’s a whole ass thing, so I just want to make sure that’s on your radar.
I will say I am probably using logic against bad feelings, which doesn’t help, right? When I was looking for a therapist I found a ton who say they specialize in infertility/reproduction, if you want I can email you my list. 
What you’re going through is hard and real.
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Summary
I’ve also considered your final point, and I’m very concerned about that. I’ve seen on TikTok especially adopted or donor conceived people who are furious about their donor conceived status or adopted status. It’s hard asking myself the hard questions of what am I doing for myself, what for my husband, and what for the good of the prospective child. From the child’s benefit perspective, my main hope is that they wouldn’t genetically inherit mental health problems that I have.
I’m also fascinated at the shift I’ve seen in the socially perceived morality of legally parenting a non-genetic child. I’ve seen on TikTok this wave of people basically saying people shouldn’t be adopted, as the vast majority of adoptions are basically some government services entity and/or birth parents deciding that a birth parent is too poor to have children, and that such problems should be solved by providing all children with their basic needs through social programs. Or they are deemed to otherwise be unfit parents, but who decides that, and how is that decision made disproportionately about POC compared to white people?
On the donor side, I’ve found the arguments I’ve heard against interesting but not ones I understand. For example the argument that they don’t know their family’s medical history. I don’t either, and I feel like with my family I would have to push to get a lot of that on one side. If a medical issue isn’t visible on my dad’s side, it is not spoken of.
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Totally different thoughts on fertility that are sensitive
Fertility and weight
I’ve heard the line “be at a healthy weight to get pregnant faster” since I was in my early twenties and vaguely considering future kids. I came across an article recently about a study published this year which suggested this might not be the case.
Link to one place discussing it:
Weight Loss Won't Help Pregnancy Chances, Study Finds
I’m torn between a “fuck yeah” reaction and a “fuck” reaction. It’s liberating to have someone say “ya know, you not having lost weight to get pregnant doesn’t matter and therefore it’s not your fault,” yet frustrating to feel like a solid option to maybe make me more fertile is off the table.
Also uncertain about some things in the study and not getting clarity on some details. This article said compared to exercise without weight loss, weight loss conferred no fertility benefit. Did exercise confer a benefit over no exercise?
How long was the study conducted? Did it show weight loss maintained for multiple months showed no benefit, or did they see no benefit in a single cycle? Is it possible that the recent use of the medication and intense calorie restriction affected fertility in a negative temporary manner?
What were the details of the cohort? Were they merely obese? Did they have PCOS or other issues?
Trying to read the paper itself rather than an article overview to find answers.
Edit: some answers after reading the study
Summary
Women in study did 3 rounds ovarian stimulation with IUI
Women had unexplained infertility, which makes me think no PCOS?
Probably leaning on previous studies which show higher incidence of pregnancy with increase in exercise?
Also says there was an insignificant increase in mc in the intensive weight loss group but uhhh 33% vs 25% is that really insignificant?
Still not like, thrilled with the amount of detail and data but oh well
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On weight
Summary
If you are too low a weight or the process of trying to lose weight puts your body at its idea of starvation mode it will negatively affect your fertility - we know this from people with anorexia, regardless of their an actual weight their periods can stop well before they look thin. No, i don’t have a reference to link right at this second, sorry. But even people “average” or “fat” have these effects, it isn’t only thin anorexics. They’re an unfortunately handy group for testing this on people return no other fertility issues.
My understanding from my own reading a few years ago.
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Statistically speaking, it means they could run the study over again and find the numbers flipped because they’re within the margin of error for extrapolating from a smaller group of people to the larger set of all people with unexplained fertility and the same set of other criteria.
25% vs 33% might be a pretty big difference if those are the true full population numbers, but for this study it’s too small to know if they are the true population numbers.
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6 dpo for my first letrozole cycle and my hope fortress is HUGE.
This could hurt.
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So I got my booster and have perhaps unfounded suspicions that I’m post implantation, pre-positive. Should I be keeping an eye on and managing my temperature or anything?
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Make sure you don’t have a fever of 104F+ without taking meds 
you’ll notice, lol.
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Fuck. 9 dpo and getting cramps, right on schedule.
I’m about ready to give up on this whole thing.
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Boo. I’m sorry 
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Um I have news
yep, tw
I’m freaking out because it’s faint, but it’s also there!
I’m terrified that the faintness means it won’t stick around but also it’s a cheapie and 12 dpo.
So idk how to exist now because I’m in limbo between excitement and terror and I would like to just fade into oblivion until either the worst happens or I’m out of the abject terror zone that is first trimester but I have a job.
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!!! OMG
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Crossing all the things and sending the most good thoughts!
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Hoping all hopes for you!
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Cautious congratulations!
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Eeeee! 
Hope is hard but I hope you can embrace it soon! In the meantime, embraces for you!
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Okay, transfer is tentatively going to be end of January. Saline sono this Friday. We’ll do a “modified natural” one, so no injections 
but may get cancelled mid cycle if my hormone levels and endometrium aren’t good. (Then the following cycle we would do fully controlled, stabby meds). There’s still oral and vaginal meds with this approach but no stabby meds and no rage inducing hormonal birth control (literally, the pill gives me rage attacks) so that’s a win if it works out. And in theory we know my body CAN support a pregnancy without hormonal support if the embryo is good so 
Huh itll be a lot cheaper too without the stabby meds, I hadn’t even thought about that.
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All the cautious optimism @Greyweld!
@Bracken_Joy will you be using estrogen and endometrin, or even more natural than that?
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