I have a friend who is in the early stages of recovery (still have some problems with relapsing) from an alcohol abuse problem. She commented to me today that “her self esteem is very low” and she is deeply embarrassed/ashamed by her struggles. She is not currently in the U.S. so many resources she could normally rely on are not available to her. Any suggestions on things to suggest as a way to help her increase her feelings of self worth? She is very intelligent, successful professionally, generous and kind, an activist on social justice issues, and a single mom who has raised an amazing kid. But with the struggles of the past year she’s really lost confidence. Thanks for any suggestions.
[details=“Summary”] I think offering suggestions can sometimes be dicey/ a minefield, I typically avoid unless specifically requested.
In the meantime I believe being a supportive and totally non-judgmental listening ear is like pure gold. When she brings up the feelings of low self worth, I think it would be super encouraging mentioning exactly what you wrote here: the positive qualities you’ve noticed in her (specific examples are ideal too, that you’ve had throughout your friendship).
It can be quite subtle how you mention it, but the gentle reminders are an awesome personalized support that only a close friend can offer, and potentially help someone see themselves in a better light over time. It is a unique support that a professional resource couldn’t necessarily offer as easily- because they do not have a longer term relationship with them! So that is cool.
I don’t think I answered the original question as I read this back to myself, but hopefully kinda addresses a way to be of help to a friend in distress?
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I think listening and validating are really important and you’re doing that. Do you know how she used to take care of herself in healthy ways? For the right people a gift like a spa package or candles or fancy bath stuff or books that let her do some self care that works for her could be nice.
A lot of online packages are available internationally and might not be something shed treat herself to (a lot of my favourite YouTube yoga or meditation channels have paid programs, or there are meditation apps. I think for books scribd is an alternative to kindle unlimited.
I don’t think I’d look at recovery or therapy options unless she expressed frustration at not finding resources and wanted help. But you know your friend best
We talk everyday and she feels like she can be very honest with me. I’m glad that she finds me supportive and we’ll continue to be in touch regularly. I think she most needs activities to keep her occupied during the evening when she is most likely to struggle (and I go to bed early due to high sleep needs). She is in a location where it is not safe to be out and about after dark, so she’s at home alone a lot in the evenings. Maybe podcasts or YouTube (she’s done some guided imagery in the past, but finds meditation too difficult/intense at this time) or some journaling prompts? We’ve discussed that getting her thoughts out of her head would be helpful, but she can’t readily access counseling at this time, so it’d need to be more self-directed? I know she’d welcome suggestions as she’s feeling overwhelmed on how to find resources. I just don’t know what to suggest.
She’s just started to focus on self-care in a few ways (got a massage, has hired help to remove some stress of daily life). She has struggled with baths or activities that do not keep her mind occupied. I’ll mention scribd to her and also the kindle app as that might be a way for her to access some resources from her location.
Oh you are a step ahead of me! I hope I didn’t come across as condescending or anything like that.
First thing that comes to mind is Exercise she could do at home, videos and stuff?
Is she doing AA or NA or other kind of meetings? Many meetings are still on Zoom, info can be found online, sometimes people from all over the world attend via zoom.
When I quit drinking I thought I would never sleep again. I think the best thing would be for her to speak to someone who has been sober for a while. She doesn’t have to do AA, I didn’t and think it’s wildly outdated, but my husband got sober before me and that was really helpful. If she has no other way to find sober people AA might be the best start just because it’s so international, most chapters have women-only groups too. In my case DH had already been through what I was going through which was awesome, so I had built in support. Even a forum for sobriety would be a good start, especially if her shame level is high.
Distractions are key too, movies, god I watched so many movies. I got really into foreign films because they distracted me more since I had to read the whole time. I’d also recommend therapy when she’s ready, because odds are she was a drinker for a reason. I was drinking to cover up a lot of past stuff I hadn’t dealt with and then I also had stuff happen to me when I was a drinker (common for women unfortunately). But I couldn’t have handled therapy immediately after quitting drinking. Maybe suggest it in a year or something.
I think fun self care is a good tip for right now, like learning makeup from youtube videos or hair styling, cooking, baking, knitting, building tiny models, learning photoshop, learning a language, painting (maybe along with a video so she has to constantly be following along, anything where you cannot disengage is good), decoupage, refinishing furniture, basically any hobby you can do at home at all hours. The main thing is she needs to have other people who 100% get it because they’ve been through it. She’ll believe them more when they say “it gets easier” or “you will sleep again!”
The shame is unavoidable IMO. It’s just part of it whether anything horrendous happened or not. But it gets so much better. There’s a giant life on the other side. Oh and this site helped me a lot, reading the home page is actually what made me finally pull the trigger and quit. I believe she also has a podcast and a new site now.
I really like jigsaw puzzles for keeping my mind from wandering and myself from dissociating. For me the combination of focus plus movement keeps me out of my head better than reading or listening to things.
I’m not her and I don’t know her, so everyone is wildly different! I like allhat’s stress on FUN self-care, I don’t think I did as good a job stressing fun and pleasure, but I meant it.
I’m having back and hip pan, maybe sciatica? I want to do PT for it and my insurance doesn’t require a referral. Do you think I should still see my PCP first or can I just skip straight to PT?
Wow, thank you so much. This is tremendously helpful. I know she’s familiar with Tempest, but I don’t know if she’s found hipsobriety yet. AA is not an option for her due to past trauma with it. And I really like the suggestion for fun self-care; currently she doesn’t have really any hobbies (besides reading the internet), so this give me some ideas of things to suggest. Thank you again!!
