Yes please I need to know I’m not alone in my struggles
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Jumping on the baby proofing topic with a specific question for those of you living with toddlers*
- we currently have an open fireplace. Would adding glass panes across the front be more or less safe than something like this: https://www.westelm.com/m/products/industrial-fireplace-collection-d6913/?cm_type=details
*Technically pipsqueak is toddling now! Everything seems even more dangerous than when she was just crawling
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I would worry that could be pulled over if she pulls up on it? Any way to connect something to the wall? Perhaps a temporary low book case install?
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We did this. Would something like this fit on your fireplace?
Padding not the cutest - I have plans to add cushions and other decorations but toddler likes to jump from the fireplace so I haven’t done it.
Thanks for the inspo photos 
Pillows might work? Anything that could be anchored to the wall would have to be very wide,. It we could rig something (I was hoping to keep it looking classy but I might need to give up on that).
This is what it looks like currently. There is no glass at all, just an opening. I think it’s possible to buy glass panels that slide across the opening but this particular model isn’t sold anymore so it would be from a third party.
Stay At Home Parents - How the fuck do I know I am doing a good job? I feel like my life is mostly trying to keep us alive while keeping him from killing himself and occassionally have meaningful interactions with him. But a lot of it is him keeping himself busy with my proximity.
HOW DO I KNOW I AM NOT MESSING MY KID UP
Daycare and nannies helped reduce that anxiety because they were always engaging him. But i want to make the most of weekends
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For me it involves a heavy heavy dose of Instagram accounts about parenting. And parenting books. Those legitimately help me frame and clarify my goals with parenting. It’s kind of like having a personal investment statement. But for parenting. I try to clarify to myself what matters to me and what doesn’t. Admittedly, it’s harder in the pandemic when I can’t always live up to those things that matter to me. But I try to find other ways to fulfill those same priorities.
Having a partner that’s willing to look at those same resources that I highlight to him and heaps praise on me certainly helps as well 
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What constitutes ‘messing him up’ in your definition?
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We lean a little Montessori so at least a portion of our weekend is doing family chores together and engaging the little one as much as possible. At her age (11 months) she can stand next to the washer/dryer and help me pull things out (admittedly onto the ground but whatever, eventually she will understand that the goal is to move them from on location to another). I give her a burp cloth to “help” wipe down countertops etc. We ask her to carry things that are getting put away. Everything takes a million times longer than it would, but she actually gets quite a bit of entertainment and engagement from it. We mix that up with more typical kid activities like a trip to the park, age appropriate art activities, music and dancing, etc.
ETA that independent play is important to me too, so if she’s entertaining herself nearby while I’m doing something, I try to just leave her be! If she looks up at me or gets distracted I ask/comment on what she’s doing. I imagine those conversations will be a lot more interesting when she can use words. For now my "I see you’re reading a book! Is it interesting? " Is pretty one-sided 
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That’s a good way to put it.
I dunno, ignoring him I guess? isn’t that bad? i don’t want him to think i don’t enjoy him or care about him. it’s just pretty tempting to not engage most of the time because kids are exhausting so mostly I want him to go play so I can do something decompressing like reading a book? HAHA. But also i don’t have the energy to be a mom with an activity all the time. And also I don’t want to be walking over to the park all the time. So maybe I’m just a tired parent.
We are in Montessori and I looked at some work cycles and it looks like kids are just doing chores and sometimes “learning” activities or random toy playing. So I guess that’s fine. God knows we’re always cleaning something.
I might focus on making our home more accessible to him.
OH ETA:
I know we’ve all joked before about ignoring our kids during the work day during pandemic to simply GET OUR SHIT DONE, etc. I am not saying that this is horribly damaging anyones kid or whatever. Kids are probably find doing independent play a large chunk of the time. I just personally feel like I’m not making our weekends great and that’s on me to figure out. Maybe it’s just too much pressure I’m placing on myself to “do parenting right.”
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We definitely don’t do anything structured at this point, but if something needs to be done around the house and it’s safe to include the baby then we do. I also try not to stress if she’s not actually helping. She definitely knows how to take silverware out of dishwasher rack and put them into the drawer, but most of the time she gets distracted banging spoons together. That’s fine, they make cool loud noises. I hold her and let her do that while I finish putting the rest of them away so she’s still involved. I think your kid is older? I’m sure there are even more things he could do!
One book I read recently was “Hunt, Gather, Parent”. I didn’t love all of it but one thing that resonated with me is that toddlers and young kids really want to help. That’s definitely been my experience hanging out with 2-4 year olds! The other thing the book talked about was giving lots of opportunities to practice and build up skills without a lot of pressure to do it correctly from day one.
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It sounds like sunflower parents a LOT like I do.
I do think a lot of working parents put a ton of pressure on themselves to try to make weekends somehow special or important. I don’t have any solution for that, just know that our culture heaps a lot of guilt on for doing things “right” versus “wrong”. The most important thing for not messing a kid up is just that they know that you love them and they can count on you and your love is unconditional. 
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This is normal. I like kids so much I chose to make a career out of hanging out with them and I still wanted my own kids (who are the cutest, the most charming, the most delightful of all kids to me!) to go play on their own and leave me alone so I could do what I wanted to do instead. Even as big as they are now I am often still bored by their conversation topics and wish they’d shut up half the time so I can think about what I want to think about instead. I don’t say that, but… So, you are a normal human and a good parent. Your job is to meet his needs, not provide all entertainment. You take care of all his staying alive needs and you provide comfort and care and love and help him with his emotions. But you do not have to have an activity for him at all times and provide all enrichment. It’s good for him to explore on his own and do his own investigations and learn how to entertain himself. That’s good parenting, too. 
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Yeah one idea that I really appreciated from “Hunt gather parent” was around the idea of inviting children into family culture and the adult world, rather than excluding them from the adult world and trying to make a kid bubble that they inhabit. A lot of times latte is along for the ride with what I want to be doing and I prioritize, like movement outdoors. That wouldn’t always necessarily be her first choice. (Although has become much more that way now that it’s our norm).
I do find clarifying my values helps a lot with the energy thing. Even when I don’t have energy really to get her outside, I know that I’ll be exhausted whether we’re outside or inside, and I know that her being outdoors and moving and me being outdoors and moving is a priority for me. So I may as well be tired outside but meeting my values
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If all of your weekends are “great” and full of special events, then nothing is special. It’s a lot of pressure all around.
Kids - even really little kids - need a chance to be bored.
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Yup. I have been informed multiple times this school year that school is boring, to which I immediately say “Yep, but you have to do it anyway.” You just get the toddler version of that same feeling.
Also it’s a lot easier to teach them that they don’t get to have 100% of your attention at all times at this age than when they’re older. They’re not going to get 100% of anyone else’s attention as they age. Edit: I’m trying really hard to teach this to my only child, for everyone’s sanity.
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So when I was pregnant and looking at single parenting and talking to single parents of multiple kids, a few people repeated a number of minutes (10 or 15) that kids really need of special attention per day. That seems really low but also really reassuring.
I’d say I went the opposite direction the first 16-17 months of sacrificing myself too much. And I was in a house where I got in trouble for integrating him into mist chores - I still did when I was unsupervised, but it was all a shit show. So I focused on giving him lots of reading, okay and outdoor time.
Now he’s doing more independent play and helping more. I try to build blocks of focused us time - dishes, part of the time at the park, crayons or painting, reading, guided play. Usually these are like 15 minutes or half an hour of doing things together, and then I split my focus for a while, playing on my phone or doing chores or doing work work and playing or not playing, hugging or not hugging as needed. Building the blocks in lets me feel less guilty when I’m less hands on but I still get to recharge or get something done. And a lot of the time that goes to hell because he can’t play independently long enough for me to finish typing this out. And that’s okay too.
I know you build in activities like water play and silly time and bedtime storytime. So I’m pretty sure you aren’t messing up your kid. Except that we all will in unexpected ways and we just have to do our best. Taking time for yourself is a good part of parenting too. Trust me, I’m an expert with less than 2 years experience
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Thanks dudes. He is currently playing in his room doing race tracks on his own and perfectly happy with that and so I’m going to take 30 mins to just stare into space or whatever.
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@dahlia calls her (my) style of parenting ‘benevolent neglect,’ and I think it’s beautifully put. I’m enjoying this discussion on upholding my values. 
Seriously though, as a kid, the time spent alone imagining things and making up stories was the best part of my day. Not all kids are that way, but some really love that time and it sounds like Meowlet is one. You’re doing awesome!
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