I hate to say this but… discipline (even the most agreed upon and/or gentle parenting form of discipline) feels really shitty and like I never get it quite right. I always feel like I was overly permissive or overly harsh.
But I highly recommend being on the same page as your spouse because having someone to talk over how shitty you feel who is not going to judge you or argue with your approach is the only thing that makes it remotely better.
In our house we mostly rely on natural consequences (if you rip up you book when you are mad, it will stay broken) and logical consequences (if you throw a rock in the house, the rock collection will be put away. If you hit mommy while you are melting down, mommy will move her body away from the hitting zone). These consequences happen even if they cause bigger feelings and meltdowns. Our basic parenting philosophy that it’s ok to have big feelings about things but it’s not ok to hurt people or property. As much as possible we stay calm and loving during this and offer help/hugs/etc. But honestly starting at 4 Pipsqueak would accuse me of using a “mean voice” whenever I stayed calm but serious in the face of her big feelings so there’s not much winning with children.
As much as possible we try to explain they “why”.
We say sorry in our house and we talk about how it’s never to late to say that you are sorry or that you would like to try something differently next time. I model this too when I get frustrated and snappy and come back to it a couple hours late.
At Pipsqueak’s progressive preschool, they don’t say sorry and they don’t like that we do, but whatever. Every family is different.
What, why? A proper giving (and receiving) of apology is like “how to society 101”. If I could boil my parenting philosophy down to three things, “recognize and repair mistakes to model doing it and also because child is a human person worthy of respect” is like number 2 on the list.
Yes this is how I feel too. It’s not really clear to me but the best explanation that I’ve gotten is they think it leads to “I said sorry!” Kind of dismissal of the problem?
I asked Pipsqueak recently what they do instead and she said “we just check in” so I assume that means check in on how the other person is doing. Repair if necessary? The other parents I’ve talked to about this were also baffled but it’s really.y only complaint about the school and they do lots of other good social emotional work.
Kiddo tries this sometimes (like just yesterday) and I firmly pushed back with “sorry is the first step, it’s not the whole thing. What will you do differently next time?” (It wasn’t a logical consequence in the moment kind of thing and he’s ten so he can deal with some of the emotional labor of thinking through consequences.)
I’m trying to remember back to the early years and this was crucial:
And we would also tag the other parent in as needed, no questions asked (of the other parent). I also read some sections of parenting books to Mr. Meer. I didn’t love that, I wanted him to read them on his own. He would read one and I’d read three so I could just tell him the bits I liked from the other books that weren’t redundant and that did immediately create an opportunity to chat about what that would actually look like with our kid and our lives, rather than us both reading but never getting around to discussing.
Anyone else feel like, while they’re full time parenting, they’re fully activated? Like. My fight or flight is on? This could also be bc I’m sick but I feel like during the kids waking hours I do not Calm Down
And I needed an hour by myself post-bedtime to fully relax, or I did when Kiddo was wee and I worked full time and was just peopled out by 8pm every night. Which sucked for Mr. Meer when he wanted to do something like watch tv together and I really didn’t. Older kid is easier but over summer break my max is him being home for two weeks before I’m desperate for summer camp or a visit to relatives or something.
I legit didn’t even realize I was doing this but I absolutely am with my increasingly elaborate bedtime routine. I’m running my bath water by like 9:15 PM and lights out is around 10:30.
OK it is a relief that I’m not alone (I was starting to spiral that I am just uniquely unsuited to parenthood lol a favorite anxiety of mine) but also sorry y’all also feel this way
Is this a new situation? Is it the parenting or the adjustment? Is there a new baby and intense hormones? A change from working and financial independence?
It doesn’t seem great to feel that way all the time, and if there’s a particular trigger to pinpoint that could help find a way to ameliorate the cause.
@Noodle yes I am at the point where just being on kid duty is taxing for me; she is not good at playing independently that much and I’m always coming up short on things to do with her. (At least that’s where my anxiety comes from)
At one point I realized that being on kid duty is like sitting the car on a road trip as a passenger. It’s hours and hours, but you’re “just” sitting. And yet when you arrive at your destination you are exhausted and your body doesn’t feel good even though you didn’t “do” anything.
It’s def not great! I can’t tell if it’s just now that we have two, or if it’s always been this way and I’m just now realizing?? Will get back to you on that I guess with due time
I am like this when I have to watch both kids by myself because the input is too much and I feel wildly overstimulated. I also feel like this if I have one kid but am trying to accomplish something (like laundry). If I’m just playing with one kid I’m generally fine - I think it has to do with the amount of input.
Yes, and I think part of it is because your brain is constantly on. Listening for every single sound - I left toddler in the other room to change baby’s diaper, did I accidentally forget that I put all of the sharp knifes on his bookshelf? Is he making noise? Too much? Too little? Now I’m focused on the toddler for 2 minutes, is that the baby needing me? Is the baby headed towards other life threatening situation??
The task switching takes a ton of energy and I task switch what feels like 13 times per minute.
I think the ages of your kids (and mine) are objectively using every single brain cell while you are parenting. Even independent time is full on parenting time.
I don’t have an antidote but I want you to know there is logic and reason behind the fight or flight. It’s not a personal failing at all.
