to be clear, the couple I’ve looked at so far are not like that, and I am specifically thanking you for that and giving a frame of reference for everybody else on what resources have not worked ha ha
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Yeah she has some child-focused stuff that I usually skip, but also some parent-focused stuff that has been helpful sometimes for me. Of course taking a deep breath and trying to change how your mind is working about something isn’t a panacea but… Anyway I hope it’s helpful but maybe it won’t resonate for you.
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I also hate Nurtured First. I feel like it’s all “guilt guilt guilt.” I have detailed diaries from my pre-teen through college years and I promise I never processed any of the ways I was parented the way they describe.
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Do you want to do a workout class? (Asked in a non-judgmental way). I’m not in a place where I want to go do a class because it’s a huge time and schedule commitment to show up somewhere on time. I’d much rather go to the gym and do my own thing on my own schedule.
If you do get a lot out of a class, what about one of those fancy studios (corepower, pure barre, orange theory, etc) because they have tons of classes throughout the day, and depending on your area, you can book the class an hour ahead of time, and not try to be somewhere at the same time each week.
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just to offer my different perspectives, I like reading everyone’s thoughts so feel free to ignore / think it’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever seen posted
I would not read any more parenting books, you’ve probably read enough already, it’s all vaguely the same, absolutely never read instagram parenting advice it’s garbage to farm engagement 
Resist the urge to increase rigidity, don’t worry too much about the specifics of interactions with kid and if you enjoy them much or not like permission to not care at all for a couple weeks
I think if you aren’t having fun or laughing it strongly signals a need for more “looseness”. One time when I was struggling my mom came out and basically shook me just stop! Relax! It doesn’t matter!
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I read this like garbage to table. Like farm to table
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Oh yes, I would enjoy a class if I got to see the same people at a regular time and place. Have in the past. But the community loose ties is part of the draw. Piece meal has way less appeal. Our gym has classes throughout the day.
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Ah yeah - that’s tougher. Do you have a Stroller Strides near you? Or is that too challenging with nap and school schedules?
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I’m reminded strongly of Gretchen Rubin explaining upholders and how “lose all your routines” is not fun for us, and other types of people struggle to understand that, lol.
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Back in Ye Olden Days, there were lots of activities for moms that included babysitting. I swear I spent half of my early childhood at the bowling alley playroom, but it was probably just twice/week. Lol It’s not a new thing, though!
What kind of class would you like to take?
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Would it feel fun to have scheduled do dumb bullshit time, or would it not work?
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I honestly don’t know what I would do.
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I was a bowling alley kid!
BJ, If I didn’t have my 2 mornings a week of nursery school I’d lose it. From 3-5? 3-8? Whenever G finishes work are often hell. G has suggested daily nursery but that’d be a financial stress and logistically annoying. In my case I’d say it isn’t one kid harder than the other but that they are so opposite but both want each other but both fight. An B1’s rigidity makes it super hard. So my playing was more so proactively preventing the fights, and in the daytime actually enjoying B2. Today I have PMS though so that’s a no.
This is all very me me me and not about you!
@Bernadette I am held up by cola zero. And I miss hot playground dad. There is a new dynamic of a different hot dad at pick up/drop off who is always with his stylish and hot and pregnant wife but also maybe has a flirty vibe.
@Bracken_Joy I know ages ago you found a book (maybe the highly sensitive child?) really helpful while I was working on the explosive child. A few weeks ago I read the ADHD difference which helped a lot- I have 2 different parenting libraries and scanning titles helps. I don’t think this is a you problem. This isn’t ADHD specific but @meerkat gave me a stat about parents yelling more at ADHD kids until the kids were medicated. The ADHD difference book also made a point that most parents read one or two books and handle stuff on the fly and it pretty much works - but that when parents have read a bajillion books they need outside help and not extra guilt. For us that’s been OT so far and I suspect will be more intensive later. It is not your fault if you and Latte are getting on each others’ last nerve. I don’t think my B1 resources will help (ADHD, ND and PDA stuff mostly) I do think there are books that will help but that you shouldn’t have to do it alone. The people with harder lives aren’t going to judge you for getting babysitting. They just also need it.
G doesn’t do this much, but I had an ex who if I gave him a problem like this he could solve it and even if I didn’t love his solution it either worked or he tweaked it for me. Is that a thing Sir B would want to do if you really opened up about it?
If you don’t want the answer to be xyz it doesn’t need to be, but you do need to pour yourself your favourite coffee and eat a meatstick and smell something yummy in your house. You will get through this and if you fuck the kids up you can buy them chips and therapy later.
Anyway my diet cola break is almost done, so back to parenting until sleep, TV or weed tonight.
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I guess I was just thinking different books vs more of the same- I’ve read a lot about the kids side of it, but my own mindset stuff (parent specific or not) needs work. My lack of awe and laughter isn’t constrained to the kid time.
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Ohhhhh let me sit on this.
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I had a bunch of stuff written out but: You are a nurse. You know this shit. How much do you fit the criteria for clinical depression right now? How deep in anhedonia are you?
For straight up mindset shit, some things I’ve read/am reading – they’re not directly about parenting, but might still be helpful:
- The Magic of Thinking Big, David Schwartz – old MMM rec, very 1960s big corporate man vibes in a lot of ways, but also actually really helpful to me back in 2018/2019 lol
- How To Winter, Kari Leibowitz – I think Scottish recommended this and I just started it. It’s about mindsets about winter, but it talks a lot about how mindset affects us generally (and what an effective mindset consists of). It’s also very readable.
ETA: Also I feel like you could probably use a hug right now, assuming you are a hugger – so sending you a big squish through the internet.
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I was going to give the same suggestion as @Sunflower
I think some alone time would be amazing for you! And not chores or family admin.
Your husband’s job has changed a lot over those 6 years. I think with the structure you crave having a 2-3 hour block once per week for you time could be massively game changing. I think it will be hard to do at first because you’re going to want to be productive and cram as much in, but once it’s a given in your week and you can reliably have that time, you can settle into making it what you want.
Your husband is also making more money now, use it!! And please be nice to yourself about this, none of this “I’m already so spoiled” nonsense. That might be true AND it’s okay to ask for more.
My therapy is virtual and it isn’t at the same time every week. I am able to look ahead and schedule a good time and I can text her if I need to change. I might reconsider that you can’t do therapy right now because I bet there is a solution for that too.
Even when the 2 yr old is napping while latte is at school, you’re still in mom mode.
A 3 hour per week babysitter for Luna is $100 at most. Probably closer to the $50-60 range! I think it could massively improve your life. And I think for you the key is to not have it as one off or occasionally. If it is built into your weekly structure that would be great! And if husband is home during that block, maybe even do a date!!! The options are endless with how you can use that time.
Ps I’m a spoiled human who still puts her 2.5 year old in daycare 2 days per week even though I’m not working. It’s hard to justify and not twist myself into knots but it’s awesome for me and for him.
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Non depression anhedonia I’d say.
-no depressed mood, I’m not flat
-yes anhedonia less pleasure in previous activities
-no weight change
-no sleep change
-no psychomotor agitation or retardation
-no notable fatigue
-wouldn’t describe myself as having feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
-minimal struggle with thinking or indecision
-not dwelling on death.
5 or more needed, I really only might check one and barely poke at a couple more. Def not close to clinical depression. (And I have met criteria before so I def know what the difference feels like. Thanks hormonal birth control lololol)
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I do plan to start her in preschool next fall, when she turns 3, doing forest school a couple days a week like her older sister did.
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I think you’ve already read hunt gather parent? I didn’t love the book but honestly I still think about it often. Maybe that was my hubris of not having a 3+ year old when I read it 
.
Anyway, what has stayed with me is that there are different ways to respond to children who are “difficult”. The mom in Mexico who had no problem reminding her kid to put on his shoes 15 times and didn’t stress throughout the period where he played before listening, the native parents in Alaska (I think?) who talked about when they get louder, you get softer, or considering the opposite of when they get louder you mirror their emotions. The parents who stepped back and observed or asked questions without telling what to do (and truly not trying to change the behavior). Those are the resources I try to pull on when I feel like I’m in a parenting rut.
Getting ready in the morning though is just rough still in our house. Yesterday I told Pipsqueak that I set a surprise (a little path of birthday wrapping bows) for her to discover on her way to the bathroom rather than telling her it was time to brush teeth and pee. She accused me of using a “mean voice” which made her “too sad” and to leave her alone and then cried for 5 minutes in her closet until my spouse jumped in and got her giggling about something. So mostly I have no answers
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