Honestly the best thing for me was getting away from my kid for an extended period. I just had to be able to turn off that part of my brain that was constantly on hyper vigilance - what is my child doing right now, is he making the right amount of noise (not in distress but also not being so quiet it’s suspicious), is he talking constantly (yes) and requiring a response (maybe) and even if he’s not requiring a response is he saying something that might be problematic, when is the last time he ate and what was it and how long until the next meal (should I put a healthy snack near him in hopes he’ll eat it so he doesn’t get hangry before then), etc etc etc etc And I only had one kid to manage. And being at work was helpful but still fraught with potentially being pinged when I was in the middle of a task. I needed an extended time away to get away from that “ears up by my shoulders because someone is going to need me at any minute” feeling.
I know Sir B has a crazy schedule but could you do a (long) weekend away while he solo parents the kids? I don’t know if that would be easier or harder to figure out than the weekly sitter situation.
Definitely not alas. It’s a Herculean task to get me the three hours for Book Club once a month, honestly. I get substantial chunks away from the oldest when she’s at school. But the youngest pretty much my biggest time away is when she naps in the afternoon so I’m not actively next to her, and then when I run errands a couple times a week.
Whenever SirB’s schedule allows it, I do try to dip out for a long walk alone in the afternoon or evening, that lines up a couple times a lot of weeks, 30-60min.
This sounds like caregiver burnout to me, and I agree that you getting some time away from the kids (alone or with Sir B) is probably something very helpful. Maybe a more than weekly sitter would be a good thing. You’ve been at this for years now - you need some flex now.
Mentality wise, when I’ve been an edgy rage bucket it’s helped me to remind myself to act like the person I want to be. I can feel whatever I want, but I want to act better.
I’ve been trying to lean back into “make it fun” with my kid. Yeah she’s 5 and more independent than 3, but she’s still little and the morning grind of potty/teeth/breakfast/change is not conducive to being 5.
So what makes her laugh and how can you lean in? Today we put on dress up bunny ears and hopped to the bathroom, for example. And the. I made her a “silly breakfast” which was a mix of breakfast cereal and non breakfast food like shredded cheese spread across her plate.
She’s whining now because it’s time to put in sunblock
This has always been one of my struggles with latte. My whole schtick as a pediatric nurse was being very silly, and patients absolutely loved it. Latte wants nothing to do with that bullshit unless it’s exactly on her terms and her schedule and her timing. I hate falling into the trap of blaming my kid, but she has definitely crushed the silliness out of me.
I wouldn’t say crazy hours, but with the drive for school on top of everything else it just feels like much of our time is life logistics? It’s a bummer though because if I want to see SirB, it’s family time because otherwise he doesn’t get to see the girls enough. We do already have a cleaner, which is part of why I feel like this is just a mindset issue and not like a logistics issue so much if that makes sense? Although it seems like everyone’s in agreement that maybe I just need some time away from home. I hate that though because I miss my husband, But we really don’t have any opportunity to just spend time alone. And frankly, I don’t really enjoy just going somewhere alone and wasting time, it just makes me feel anxious if it’s somewhere new, and it doesn’t feel like a break if it’s somewhere I go a lot.
This is definitely sounding like a me problem ha ha
I definitely don’t want you to feel piled on, but I am also voting for significant time away! It would be such a gift to your younger kid to get quality time with her dad or with other caretakers, paid or otherwise.
Sometimes I see panicked posts on social media from parents whose kids have never spent time away from them, and then have to go to the hospital or travel for an emergency: it would be so beneficial for your family to have those reps in already in a worst case scenario.
You definitely don’t have to go somewhere by yourself and feel like you’re wasting time: maybe a trip to see old friends, or a workshop led by someone you follow?
To be clear, I absolutely get time away and she absolutely gets time one on one with her dad. It’s just that those spots are usually filled with things like panicked, dinner prep, or running errands. And are usually an hour or two at most of the time. The question was about longer chunks away. It’s not like I’m not letting other people take care of her.
Are there things that you and Latte DO both like? I’m not much for playing and also not naturally very silly. Our best moments these days are honestly doing carefully selected chores at her pace. Latte is probably too old to be fascinated by chores but any areas of intersection you could lean into?
One time when the boys were like 5/6 and BB was struggling so much, before the Boy lived with us, I just stopped serving dinner for several days. I stood up in the kitchen and the boys sat at the breakfast bar and we ate cheese and crackers and fruit or something like that.
These are just examples of, I guess, looking for things where you can engage and also looking for things that you can just not do for a while with no serious consequences.
Would the Laura Vanderkam framework of “one big adventure, one little adventure” per week help you find joy during your kid time? (Not that I ever personally achieve this.)
Otherwise, solidarity. I feel you, it sucks. Yesterday I forced myself to play a whole prix of Mario Kart 8 (love the original Mario Kart, not so much the glitzy one) with LB because teens are also a tough nut to crack and I didn’t want him to spend an entire day off school alone in his room with the bed bugs.
This is where the two kids part really sucks. Latte really enjoys reading with me and art. Both of those can’t be done with a two year-old sister, also around and helping, without everybody losing their cool.
Oh yeah, that’s what I meant! You said it was really hard to get 3 hours away once a month, so that’s what I was responding to. My specific kid benefits from long chunks of time with his other parent and other adults in his life, including overnights without me.
Yeahhhh I’m sorry that part is rough, too. Even with teens it’s still rough because I don’t wanna, like, just leave one alone while Brother and I do something fun!
Maybe in the future they can have slightly different school schedules so you get one on one time with them both, although of course that comes with its own set of challenges.
When I talked with Laura personally (flips hair), she suggested that I keep a running list of activities that might be fun to do. It’s all easier said than done. Especially with two and one is a toddler.
I think your goal to find more fun is super valid and I hope some of what people are saying will resonate and be helpful. But I also want to offer the perspective - ignore if it’s not helpful! - that this part is really hard and IME, I struggled a LOT when my boys were very young and they still love me and want to be with me. (I mean, as much as one can expect from a teenager.) Like, I hope you find some joy for its own sake but not because it’s, like, a checklist item for being a good parent?
Part of it is me wanting a better experience for myself, but part definitely is not wanting to fuck up my kids. Latte gets a lot more of my irritation and snappiness than Luna does. Between their ages and just their underlying dispositions, I express a lot more delight and patience with the little one than I do with the older one. And I know that’s one of the surefire ways to really fuck up your kids, because they can definitely tell when it seems like you like one of them a lot better than the other. It’s pretty fucking shitty to them if I’m only capable of being a good mother to one of them.
OK, what I’m getting is that there are no resources like I asked for, and I just need to keep trying to beat my head against changing my life in a way that it doesn’t necessarily change. Or just wait.
Idk a ton about your routine but I tend towards a fairly regimented routine, when I am doing long solo stretches by 2 weeks or so of that I hit I’m going to freak out levels and i try to take a mental day off while still watching the kids. Like I do a day of TV on and like easy takeout, one entire day. I know screen time isn’t for everyone but your version of checking out a bit. Or if i have the energy and want to get out I’ll pack for an entire day at the beach or something (outdoor setting of your choosing) where they can go nuts with minimal intervention, screw up their sleep schedules, all of it. Even if it ends up being a bit more work it seems to give me a boost.
When you said your sleep , exercise, everything is on point that’s what makes me think maybe going that route could help. All the advice says workout, do all this routine stuff but if you already do that sometimes I think it’s good to do the opposite. It provides me a mental refresh without requiring additional childcare.
My younger kids objectively are equally annoying but I have experienced their stage already so I can have more of an objective view, the oldest behaviors are always brand new to me so stuff she does is more triggering
This is a good insight. I do cling to routine because otherwise my life has no schedule. it’s very, very hard going through life trying to make things stable and consistent for me and my kids, when at any moment, my husband could travel, not come home, meals get messed up, I never know who’s gonna pick my kid up from school until an hour or so before I have to leave, stuff like that.
It’s really hard to explain my husband‘s job. Because he actually works not that much in some respects. But the absolute chaos and demands of travel really make up for that. and constantly being on call on weekdays, stuff like that.
He’s not a workaholic by any means. He gets out of stuff as quickly as possible, comes down the second he’s done with a call, stuff like that. To be clear, there’s absolutely no dillydallying or shirking of duty on his part.
alas. It’s a Herculean task to get me the three hours for Book Club once a month, honestly. I get substantial chunks away from the oldest when she’s at school. But the youngest pretty much my biggest time away is when she naps in the afternoon so I’m not actively next to her, and then when I run errands a couple times a week. 
I hate falling into the trap of blaming my kid, but she has definitely crushed the silliness out of me.
it’s very, very hard going through life trying to make things stable and consistent for me and my kids, when at any moment, my husband could travel, not come home, meals get messed up, I never know who’s gonna pick my kid up from school until an hour or so before I have to leave, stuff like that.