Queer baby-making


#1

Hi! Imma assume for the time being that this is safe space and I can use my casual, reclaiming unsafe in public language.

So I’m a femme queer with cis lady bits. I have wanted to be a mama forever, target age 22…started trying when I was 24 with an ex wife and it didn’t work before the divorce.

Cue to now… I have money stuff on lockdown…or at least on lockdown enough that I can try. I’m 34 almost 35, and I am going to start trying soon. The finances are scary because I’m single.

I’m going to try for a known donor or sex with a known donor(oddly called natural insemination in sperm land). This should save me a few thousand, but will still have some costs. It also means that if the donor chooses, they could ask for parental rights. I think potential donor could be a risk for changing his mind and wanting to be a parent. But in his case I’m okay with that. But if he changes his mind and I use a more distant known donor… I will be crushed if they try to change their mind.

Anyone else on here trying to make babies? Or been through the process?


#2

The Schrodinger’s parental rights of the donor seem scary to me. That seems to be a thing in the US, too, depending on state. @__@ The whole land of baby making is just this chaos pit that I know originally made sense, but to an outsider is just bananas.
Is there a slightly (or dramatically) more expensive way to do this that would ensure your solo parental rights?

I am not trying to make babies. My body keeps asking me if that’s correct (the number of pregnancy dreams I’ve had is quite extreme) but my mind is not in the game-- I want to be a cool psudo or actual aunt, not a parent. But I know several queer people in my life who are in the process and have had their share of hurtles to cross. Things are a little different in the US, but not dramatically I think.
One is a set of queer people doing basically what you are, but as a pair-- one of them has a uterus they will be using, but neither of them make sperm, so donor. They are going with a donor they know, but are worried because they are changing states and different states have different laws about which of the two of them can be on their potential child’s birth certificates.
The other is a set of three in a polyamerous relationship having kids together. They’re now preggers with their 2nd kiddo. :smiley: But it’s been a process through IVF for them, using both donor eggs and sperm.

I find it all very interesting. Not least of which because the legal parts of having babies as a queer person is so effing sad. And of course while the monetary aspects are not limited to queer people, they are more inherent in queer people trying to make babies.

I want to shake my fist at the world.


#3

So, I can’t speak to the queer baby making part, but at this point I’d argue I’m an expert on attempting baby making, but with biologically unconventional means. Lol.

In short: here to lend support, and happy to lend any perspective/science/whathaveyou about assistive repro tech stuff. Hope you never get there though!


#4

Yes! And while I am lucky that as a cis female the costs are almost guaranteed to be cheaper than for anyone else… (At least the baseline costs)… It still isn’t have fun sex and have a baby as a default. It becomes a series of financial decisions.

Sperm-bank sperm costs about 600/month, has less of a chance of working, and saves all legal issues in Canada. I would not do the gamble when I was younger, but tick-tock plus the number of people who I’ve seen spend $6000 on sperm and then find out they are infertile is insane. I don’t actually know the criteria to get fertility testing here…but I suspect it includes a year of trying.

You are indeed an expert and unfortunately have spent your tuition money to get there. You’ve got all my support too


#5

Ooof, I can see why you’d go for “faster is better” on the sperm approach. :frowning:
I have my fingers crossed that you get pregnant as quickly (or slowly) as you wish. <3 It has no actual effect, but I’ll still cross them.

Other questions, displaying my varying levels of ignorance as an American:

  1. You are self employed, yes? How does parental leave work with that?
  2. Does Canada have nifty child care options or is it as bananas as in the USA?

#6

Soooo not an expert but have heaps of queer friends who have gone through the baby-making/acquiring process. My friends in my home state HAD to use to an Oregon anonymous donor because even anonymous donors in my home state could reclaim parental rights if they were found to be the donor via genetic testing, and even families of a deceased sperm donor could claim parental rights ahead of the 2nd (non-biological) parent. Same-sex second parent adoption is illegal in that state still so…

shakes fist at heavens of Ohio

That being said, is it possible to use an Oregon sperm bank as a Canadian? Like it seems feasible that you can get spermos shipped or could come below the border to attempt to get them put inside you. I know it’s less than $600/month here, but obviously I assume international sperm logistics must be a bit challenging.


#7

The queer couple I mentioned in my post have Ohio is a possible place they’ll end up moving due to one partner’s job options, and they’ve talked to an attorney there about the whole thing and YUP it’s PRETTY BAD.


#8

No working knowledge of unconventional baby making, but you have my support! I very much hope it works smoothly. Actually, you might be able to get fertility testing done if you complain about menstrual issues to your GP without having to “try for a year”? I believe I had some hormonal testing done years ago because of this, and a sympathetic doctor might be able to write the right stuff down to get you the correct tests/ ultrasounds/ etc? Of course Australia VS Canada may be different.


#9

Nope! The only way I can use foreign sperm is via a Canadian sperm bank (or travel). Otherwise smuggling any body parts is hella illegal… genetic stuff more so… And potential contaminated fluids… NOPE.

Any known donor can demand a DNA test and become a parent… But then they are on the hook for child support. It’s kind of a MAD thing. But OMG that Ohio thing is terrifying!

@ladyduck I think that my best bet would be to discuss BOTH fear of infertility AND cost AND menstrual issues in one visit… And then I’d only get the testing done by a nice doctor. My doctor and gynecologist are both peaches but both believe that I am fertile with no worries until age 40 or until trying for babies fails. And they believe it with all their hearts

@oro I’m self employed. Our mat leave is funded at 60 or 66% of our income by the government as long as we or our employer pays in. The mail strike delayed my application to opt in for paying, so the earliest I can start using it is January 3rd. And then I will get my percentage of my money. Assuming that I read everything right. So I’m trying to earn LOTS so that a drop in my earning won’t hurt much.

And then if I have a baby after my mat leave I will rebuild my career despite not working standard daycare hours and earning less than daycare costs (these issues are just as crazy as the US). And somehow I won’t go broke and at some point I might get a 2bed place… except those cost more…so then I will panic.


#10

:(((( Butts. I’d really hoped that the Canada system was better than US. I’m sorry.


#11

You can’t move to Quebec before day care time and get residency so you can get their fancy free childcare, right? I mean, I’m kidding because I assume that would make your job and client base challenging, but I’m a tiny bit serious.


#12

I am physically and emotionally attached to not moving far. And I think it takes two years residency to pay Quebec tuition, so I assume daycare is the same


#13

I know nothing about this (well, I understand the biology…) - but I wish you all the best and want to know how I can help?


#14

If everything works, you can come babysit :joy:.


#15

I’m excited to follow this journey! A baby Elle will be ridiculously cute. I’m also down for the babysitting.

Daycare costs are absolutely absurd. I really wish our country (and yours, apparently) would get its shit together and start prioritizing the care and welfare of parents and children.


#16

Did I just figured out who you are? Are you the only one who’s complex name change foiled me? Someone quick and nimble will be pissed that you tricked me where they didn’t.

Also yay team of international babysitters! Giant question marks about local babysitters.

And I have a perfect opportunity calendar and donor wise to get knocked up, but I can’t try because of being a responsible adult who waits to qualify for mat leave. Ugh.


#17

Lol yes I’m sure you figured me out. I wasn’t going to name change but then my real name got caught in a forum glitch and wouldn’t let me resubmit, and I figured a slight tweak might be appropriate anyway.

Boo to being responsible. But also…good choice.


#18

She got me too, Elle! (I mean, I suspected, but I hadn’t confirmed yet…)


#19

Fellow cis queer woman here! Attempting this in a relationship, and not using a known donor, but I am so here for money talk and general hand holding/high fiving.


#20

Yay queer baby making! Are you guys going to have a doctor squirt the sperm straight into a uterus or doing it at home? I can’t start for a few cycles but soooon.

Did you already pick sperm? Aren’t sperm catelogues the weirdest and make you face uncomfortable truths about yourself? (when I was perusing catalogues with the ex 10 years ago I discovered that I am weirdly biased about things like height. But only with sperm catalogues )