Ok, you’re all a bunch of eager over achievers. As host @Meowkins has explained, this is all made up. You’ll only have to verbally and maybe visually (google image search people) sell the sizzle.
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I love this but I will just sit by and watch because my life is much too crazy to participate
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Episode 1 starts soon.
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Tease.
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If more contestants are allowed, I’d like to play! Otherwise I will cook along at home. 
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Hello and welcome to the first round of OMD Top Iron Master Chef! I’m one of your hosts, and the other is the lovely Meowkins! This is the cooking show to find out whose cuisine reigns supreme! Who is the best chef in the OMD jungle?
Lets get the boring stuff out of the way first.
This is how it will work (hopefully).
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The Theme - Your amazing hosts will announce a theme for each round - maybe an ingredient to be used, maybe a feeling to recreate, maybe whatever we think up.
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The Cooking - Contestants will then be required to ‘cook’ their best dish to meet the theme.
Cooking it can entail pretty much anything short of actually cooking the dish (lets be real here people - this host struggles to feed himself and family and he don’t have time to cook for the internet). Provide a recipe or don’t. Provide a back story or don’t. Google image search a picture or don’t. Draw a picture in microsoft paint or don’t. -
The Judgening. Your hosts and maybe a guest judge will ‘taste’ all the dishes and decide on the best dish of the round - who wins glory. And the two least best dishes.
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Dun dun dun - THE ELIMINATIONING. The two least best dishes will be forced into an elimination challenge to save their bacon.
Don’t feel pressured to rush your response - the round will last a few days or so. And if you don’t get something submitted, think of your hosts as that cool professor who was chill about stuff like that.
Without further ado, the first theme ingredient is…cauliflower!
Cauliflower is one of several vegetables in the species in the genus which is in the Brassicaceae family. It is an annual plant that reproduces by seed.
In the 1st century AD, Pliny included what he called cyma among his descriptions of cultivated plants in Natural History: “Ex omnibus brassicae generibus suavissima est cyma,” (“Of all the varieties of cabbage the most pleasant-tasted is cyma”). Pliny’s descriptions likely refer to the flowering heads of an earlier cultivated variety of Brassica oleracea, but comes close to describing modern cauliflower.
Or as this host’s toddler refers to it ‘ghost brocolli’.
So, now our brave contestants…cook! Cook like your lives depend on it.
@Smacky
@Gdogg
@galliver
@diapasoun
@Elle
@LadyDuck
@Greyweld
@beep_boop
@AllHat
@brute
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Ghost broccoli sounds pretty bad ass, though, you have to admit.
grabs popcorn to enjoy the shenanigans
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Here to watch!
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Ahem. You guys, don’t tell my partner why I take long washroom breaks while he’s WFH.
In reverse Pinterest order, Hi Alllllll. I’m Emma, aka Elle! And I’m a crudely stereotyped mom. My favourite time is wine o clock, but you have to be careful with those calories! Pro-tip, rose, prosecco, pink gin, vodka and a LOT of sparkling water can make a turbo fueled low calorie cocktail.
But what about our other nutrients? We could do a green smoothie, or, we could go for something a little more tropical to celebrate the start of Canada’s beach season. In your high powered blender (unless affiliate links work here, in which case let’s name drop) combine an entire cauliflower chopped into florets, a can or pineapple, pineapple crystal light, coconut essence, and 3 TBSP creamed coconut. Add ice and water, start low and work up to a high pulse. It’s daytime, so you can use rum flavour. At night, go for the vodka drink above. Or, I guess add rum to this.
Enjoy your newfound virginity in this creamy cauli colada!!!
Kid approved, neighbour detested
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Oh, you want a bio? EXCUSE ME I AM AN ARTIST AND TOO SPECIAL FOR THIS.
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This was my favorite part. And all of it. Both.
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Imagine if you will. Cauliflower, the palest of the brassicas. The outcast of the crudites, that one awkward friend hanging out to the side of the steamed mixed veggies. What if I told you we could not only find a way to choke down this seeming travesty, but we could make it into a dish that your unsuspecting dinner guests would ask for again and again?
Welcome friends. Brute’s Kitchen awaits.
Sure, you’ve seen people claim that mashed cauliflower or riced cauliflower or cauliflower pizza crust is “just as good as the real thing!”. Don’t listen to these sociopaths. Today we’re going to make a creamed cauliflower that will change your life.
We’ll start with the following ingredients:
1 medium sized head cauliflower, trimmed and cut into florets
4 tbsp unsalted butter
4 oz cream cheese
1/4 cup heavy cream
1/2 tsp chicken better than bouliion
2 cloves garlic, minced
4 oz freshly grated white cheddar.
Heat the cauliflower in a 6 cup microwave safe bowl for 5-7 minutes depending on the power of your machine. You want the cauliflower to be soft and cooked through, but not dehydrated.
Add the cauliflower and remaining ingredients up to and including the garlic to your blender (one of the heavy duty commercial ones is ideal, but you can get away with a vitamix or blendtec if you’re strapped for cash) and blend until completely smooth.
Pour into the warm bowl used for heating the cauliflower, top with cheese. Add pepper and salt as desired. Serve along side grilled meats, leftovers are good reheated or turned into latkes.
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I think that you’re trying to start a new forum blender war. I’m imagining monthly threads “I only have a Vitamix, should I get a commercial blender or wait until this dies?”
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Name: Strega Nona
Age: Mind your manners
Occupation: Entrepreneur/Pasta Witch
Bio: I cook what I cook and people like it. If people don’t like what I cook they can find their own magical pot and carry their own goddamned bread around with no help from me. Now, sit down. It’s time to eat. That wasn’t a request.
Challenge: Cauliflower
Veal Trojan Horsed Cauliflower
I love cauliflower. Cauliflower lasts long in the larder, is always affordable, and tastes very good. The best way to trick a man into eating cauliflower is to mix it with cheese and wrap it in thinly pounded veal. Men are, by nature, distrustful of vegetables. But, as my great grandmother used to say, “When veal is around men don’t notice vegetables.” Veal is excellent for hiding disgusting vegetarian food and also very useful for hiding hexes and charms. I’m not saying it’s a good thing or a bad thing, I’m just saying it’s a reality of the world we live in. Do with that information what you will.
Once the veal is pounded, puree the cauliflower down into a tolerable rice-like consistency. It will look just like risotto except terrible. Combine cauliflower with ricotta, egg, and parmesan. Layer each veal cutlet with cauliflower cheese mixture and roll. Bake the works in the oven in that gigantic pan I assume everyone has until the veal is barely cooked through, and then top with slow simmered marinara. I only use San Marzano tomatoes in my sauce, but you don’t have to. If you choose to use a different tomato the recipe will be ok, but you will be wrong. If you’re ok being wrong and making bad decisions, well that’s your business. Do what you want!
Finish the dish by topping it with fresh mozzarella and sticking it under the broiler for a few minutes. I don’t know exactly how many minutes that’ll take. I don’t time every single thing I do. You’ll just have to watch the cheese so it doesn’t burn. Once the cheese is melted and browned it’s ready. Eat!
ETA: Actual suggested recipe
I actually love cauliflower and also just made this. FWIW it’s really good!
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Emma, what a delightful celebration of the suburban banal! Did you get this recipe while shaking your khaki capri-clad derriere to Ellen? It is all adorable.
Brute, your straightforward, macho recipe fills me with earthly and rustic feelings. If only culinary art were as simple as your heart or forceful as your (no doubt) brawny arms!
To fulfil this brief I knew I had to present our illustrious judges with something sophisticated, meaningful, and divine. I must encapsulate the fundamental essence of cauliflower. I meditated upon this at length. What does cauliflower mean? What does its soul look like? Anyone can make a vegetable taste good, but who can elevate and express its essence? Only I, dear friends. Only I.
Is cauliflower the spirit of an albino forest? Is it broccoli’s anemic daughter? With the forceful earthy odour of the earth, this child of cabbage has been part of the western culinary tradition for centuries. Soft and mild, it has played the bridesmaid to more forceful vegetables again and again. What do we think of when we are reminded of blandness in a world of brightness, colour, and flavour?
Cauliflower struggles to flourish in the domestic garden. It cannot bear heat or moths or dry or excessive damp. What does this fragility bring to mind?
Cauliflower is 92% water and despises the idea of containing fat. It is low in calories and carbohydrates, making it a favourite of the Atkins diet and other low carb fad diets.
All of these factors synthesized as I meditated, and it came to me. The cauliflower spoke to me and told me its true essence. It showed me the face of its soul. In a fundamental way, cauliflower is a celebration of whiteness. Of course! Bland, fragile, and disinteresting, cauliflower represents that insidious culture that has, by being banal, established a hegemony in global popular culture. A culinary celebration of cauliflower must be an expression of whiteness!
This recipe cannot be a superficial treatment of cauliflower. It must truly express the meaning and experience of whiteness. Should I offer you boiled eggs, garnished with the barest pinch of salt? Rice pudding, with its rice and milk and sugar combining to the ultimate of white foods? Would preserved tuna and mayonnaise upon wonder toast express this concept? An earthly potato, its tuber body peeled and boiled and placed upon a plate, steam rising to the heavens?
No, we must delve more profoundly into the nuances of meaning.
The recipe revealed itself to me, the seeker. It came upon me and I knew. May I humbly present to you the recipe that embodies the very soul of cauliflower.
Short lengths of pasta cylinders
A bechamel based upon the most american of cheese, in its powdered form.
Homogenized milk from the vast factory dairies.
Garnished with american style sausage.
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You have all made my day.
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AMEN!
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Cooking is a work of art, and a work of love. We are driven and inspired by love. Love pushes us to expand our boundaries, to engage all our senses. And we shamelessly steal recipes from the ones we love, and they allow it with no rancor. Because we make it for them to enjoy. Thanks, husband!
Ingredients:
Half head cauli
Large beet
Small (or half) sweet potato
3-5 rainbow carrot
Olive oil
Curry powder
Ancho chili
Garlic powder
Salt and pepper
Break/cut all veg into bite size pieces.
Toss with olive oil and spices (use a separate bowl for beets).
Spread out on parchment sheet on baking sheet.
Roast at 450F on top rack until soft inside with delicious seared spots in the outside. It comes out perfect and never soggy because we crowded the pan in our sad electric stove. I declare it.
Serve as side to pan fried skin on chicken thighs. Disappear remainder by sneaking from the fridge in the night.
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