Imo gift exchanges between family are based on whatever you’ve done forever until stated otherwise, and gift exchanges between literally anyone else don’t exist unless stated otherwise.
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It got more complicated because aaron’s brother and SIL and three kids moved here this summer, so we don’t really have historical context with those kiddos.
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This seems like a just have Aaron say “hey we don’t really do gifts, is that cool?” And if it’s not expectations can be adjusted accordingly.
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Do this at your upcoming party! We did an “only our stuff” surprise white elephant gift exchange at a new years party one year after we had moved. It featured an array of coffee mugs, party dishes, external phone chargers etc that we’re ugly or we didn’t have room for. Everyone had a blast taking home one piece of our junk 
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Make sure it’s not a choking hazard and you’re golden, those kids will think you’re awesome.
Source: 2 kids between 1-6yo, and having been a child. Chocolate in festive shapes is a huge hit.
My siblings do <$50AUD and we only buy for 1 sibling (pull out of a hat each year. BIL pointed out we should just rotate every year 
that’s not the point). I can’t imagine spending $100 USD on one person for Christmas!
The point of the gifts is the surprise, for us.
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I mean you brought me chocolate when I had cramps and covid tests and groceries when I had covid, which is way better than a random Hanukkah gift.
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Candy, cookies, or books from the thrift store are great for kids. Niece after my own heart had. H
Kids have zero problem understanding that c aunt and uncle do x differently too.
And yes, you give lots to the people in your life, and I say this as a big gifter.
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I’m not offended and don’t read into it when people don’t do gifts. I just assume it’s a cultural difference!
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I think you might be much reflective on cultural differences than some people 
Okay, here are my reflections - I would love some input - because I actually have been trying to figure out if I need to change my strategy with my parents, partially because yesterday my mom sent me a link to some d20s my dad wants and asked if I wanted to buy it for him? I told her I wasn’t planning on doing gifts (I didn’t know we did? I don’t usually), and she seemed disappointed.
I have never gotten my parents holiday gifts, and they got me some things as a kid (only child) but we don’t celebrate Christmas and always just went to see a movie and eat Chinese food in December with other non-christian friends. No extended family was around us, so we didn’t do that.
My parents are not religious, and I was raised atheist/agnostic. I always view Christmas as a Christian thing I didn’t participate in. Later, I worked/lived with radical Christians who didn’t abide by the capitalist interpretation of Christmas, so I have even less interest in participating in a consumption holiday.
My parents moved to my city when I was in my late 20s after I spent 10 years living 2,300+ miles from them. I didn’t go back during the holidays because it was too expensive to fly out there, and I usually have a busy season at work at the end of the year. My parents got a lot more into festive traditions like putting up a tree after I moved away at 18, partially because of holiday fundraising as they were active in politics. We did not have a tree when I was growing up, except for maybe one year?
I always get my parents stuff for their birthdays, but yesterday my mom expressed a preference for end-of-year gifts over her birthday— this is news to me! I’ve always done bdays and not Xmas/Channukah. When I told her I already had her (Feb) bday present picked out, my mom said “just get me flowers to show me you love me”. My mom is critical and used to be a florist and garden center manager and has a degree in horticulture, so I get stressed about getting her flowers, lol.
I’ve wondered about the cultural differences actually with my parents around gift-giving more than anything. My mom and dad really love to plan gifts, and involve me in what they choose for one another. I think they’re getting SSO a relatively big birthday gift (relevant because SSO’s birthday is the last week of December). Since they lived here, they have gotten me small things during the holidays (most of which I don’t particularly want/need). Last year, I brought purrbon tea wrapped for everyone to the xmas eve game night/heathens/orphans xmas.
Now I’m left wondering if I should get my mom and dad something, based on yesterday’s comments and text message conversations. But isn’t it too late, lol? Also, I’ll have to redo my budget. I guess I can check my dad’s Powells wish list to get a book and find a fun hat for my mom that will ship quickly.
I didn’t know we do holiday gifts now? but maybe I’ve missed out on it because I’ve been oblivious. And I’m worried about creating a tradition that will escalate. Gift-giving stresses me out, especially doing it all at once for a holiday that isn’t even my religious tradition?
Am I writing into my own advice column?
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it’s difficult when parents change their approach on things that we grew up with and thought were part of defining who they were and what they valued. See my parents’ recent approach to travel which is in many ways wildly different from the values I grew up with.
IMO they’re explicitly asking for something (d20) and for birthday money to be shifted to late Dec. It’s maybe not the best year to have done this, because the money flow isn’t what you wanted in 2022, and so shifting the spend from one month to another isn’t easy.
- I will note ‘just buy me flowers’ is odd to me because flowers are actually more expensive (around where I am) than basically anything else I would buy my parents, and that doesn’t with with my narrative of shifting spend but adding another event. Can you just give her Feb thing in Dec?
But also I come from a guess household, so someone asking for something is kinda a relief (I got my little sister for gift exchange and I have absolutely no idea - when I do the exchange I make sure we aren’t swapping).
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I just decided to ask my dad because he would answer honestly. My mom will answer in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person while also making her feel bad. She’s estranged whats left of her family, so I should remember me and her dad are all she has gift-wise.
He said they’re getting me “stocking stuffers” and that I should get mom something small because she likes gifties. He said he doesn’t want anything but I’m not gonna get something for mom and not him. I told him we’re moving in 9 months and have no storage space and please don’t get us too much!
I usually spend like $18-25 for a bouquet for my mom? I feel like that’s reasonable? Right? hahahha.
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Delivery flowers are just so expensive, they’ve skewed my opinion on everything. (We generally get the MIL flowers, and I got my mom flowers a few months ago when she got out of the hospital after a scary incident.)
I’m glad you have a person who will answer honestly. In general my parents are honest when asked about the other parent, but not about themselves.
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I’m in the process of rethinking family gift-giving so thought I would weigh in.
Many, many years ago we decided to stop giving Christmas gifts among the adults in my immediate family because it was just stressing everybody out and we all had more than enough resources to fulfill our own wants. We had never done much birthday gift giving as adult siblings (though my sister and I are close and we usually exchange $50 cash or gift cards, typically on things we enjoy together) so that wasn’t really an issue. Then when my brother and I started having kids we agreed the adults would give to the kids for Christmas, but set a modest limit ($50/kid, which we have never really adjusted). When the kids were little we would buy actual gifts based on lists the parents helped compile/share, but for the last several years we have mostly just done gift cards (when the kids enjoyed buying stuff themselves at places like target/barnes and noble) or cash (the current standard).
But now the kids are reaching adulthood (boys both 21, girls junior and senior in high school), so I’m wondering if it is time to revisit the gift expectations for them, and for family in general. My sister/SIL and I have started doing a lot more socially together, and I like the idea of gifting experience-based stuff that ensures that we get together to do fun stuff several times a year. We could extend that to the kids, if everyone is amenable. So maybe we say we will go to the movies as a family once or twice a year, or go to a concert or play together. Or a fancy restaurant.
I also want to start doing things like this more with friends.
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Okay… apparently, they are getting Dora her Channakah catnip toy. I will get their dogs something, then.
What is something small I can get for two small dogs 25-pound dogs? I’m bad at dog size? Here are the dogs.
)
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I think it depends on how important different things are to you. Is it more important to live out your beliefs on gift giving, i.e. not giving? Or is it more important for you to have relational harmony? It’s fairly normal for peoples needs to change over the course of a relationship; I think it would seem less weird to you if they weren’t your parents! I’m sure you and SSO (I always read this as single sign on) have not been completely consistent and unchanged in both of your needs over many years.
I think the quality of the relationship and the type of ask matters too.
I think liking gifts and seeing those as a form of love is just something about a person (nothing to demonize or valorize) just like how others prefer acts of service or physical touch or whatever. So for me if there was someone important in my life who was like, “hey AllHat, it would really make me feel loved if you did xyz” I would be inclined to do it. Much like if someone said, “AllHat, your gifts make me uncomfortable,” I would stop. I can only see refusing if it were a core belief violation for me that I truly felt was wrong in an innate way, like something illegal or immoral to me. Or I suppose if I felt it was unfair, but that goes back to the quality of the relationship thing.
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Thoughts that may work for you. My dad’s family does a gift pool for everyone, including the adults, for everyone’s bday. They started this after my yaya died once all the kids (me and my two cousins) were adults since yaya kinda was the organizer of bdays before that.
Everyone throws in $20-ish dollars to the gifts pool, and one person organizes venmo-ing or zelle-ing it to the birthday person. This means everyone gets like ~$200 for their birthday to do something special or buy what they prefer. They tell/show everyone what they got on the family group chat, and it feels nice they were able to get what they wanted. I spent the money on jumping off a tall building in New Zealand for my birthday this year, something they probably wouldn’t have bought for me but was super fun for me. My cousin usually spends the money on cosplay, and expensive ass hobby that she’s very good at and I love getting to see her cosplays come together!
We’re all physically distributed, hundreds to thousands of miles from one another except two aunts who live next door, so it works better than trying to organize something but still makes us feel close and included.
Sure, it’s less efficient than just buying what you want for your birthday and not sending around $20 every month to a different person, but it’s sort of the same philosophy as a tanda/savings club, only for birthdays. Feels more fun but still relatively more efficient than everyone sending them something individually.
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Some sort of toy. I was going to get Percy something stuffed-animal-like (but without stuffing) but Kiddo picked out a treat puzzle thing.
When I sent my mom flowers (we don’t live in the same city) it’s easily $50 or more. Last year I got my parents a very spendy (by my standards) gift of Storyworth subscriptions which they both enjoy. I have no freaking clue what to get them this year. They’re both very well off so it’s very much a “the thought that counts” situation rather than price point. I think for my mom I’m going to do a gift certificate thing for her, me, and Kiddo to do an activity together. No idea what to do for my dad. Maybe I can look back at my Quicken history. The last gift I remember getting for my dad before that was a bag for his bike so he and his wife could bike to a nearby park and maybe do a picnic lunch or something, since he’s into biking now.
Which, come to think of it, he just mentioned that he got a new bike - are there any “nice to have” bike accessories I can get him?
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My mom always taught me that as a florist, the best way to save money on flowers from afar is to call up a local florist that does delivery, rather than use teleflorist or any of the aggregators. I don’t know if this is still true though, because she was a florist in the beginning of online commerce, but the local florist delivery fees were way lower than the aggregator services.
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The florist I use is owned by someone we used to be neighbors with. Art lived four doors down from us.
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You mentioned a bag for picnics and I gotta say I absolutely love this bag I got this summer. It has an insulated compartment on the bottom, a raincover that’s built in, and it looks good off the bike. https://www.pocampo.com/collections/trunk-pannier-bags/products/mardy-backpack-pannier
Everything I’ve gotten from pocampo has been a winner.
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