I’m so sorry. This happened to me too, we lost a pregnancy at a little over 9 weeks that would have let me be pregnant while home from work the whole time, not coming back to the office until after mat leave. The kiddo would have been almost exactly 3 years younger than my first, so all our seasonal stuff would presumably (though not guaranteed) be around the right size, and May is (from my previous experience) a fabulous time to be starting maternity leave, with leave all through summer and fall while it’s pretty beautiful and comfortable where I am. Plus I have an 11 month job so I would have been able to add to my maternity leave with the extra month I’m always off.
There have been times in this journey I have been a lot more pissed about the timing than the loss itself. We tried for two cycles, got pregnant again, I convinced myself this was even better timing (last month of pregnancy during my time off work! still don’t have to go back to office beforehand! It’ll be hot the last few months but pregnancy was miserable anyway) and lost it right away. I wanted to try again immediately after THAT to try and capture the next best timing but my partner helped me realize the timing stress was bringing me to a breaking point and I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders right after deciding to take a break. (I’m not saying you should do this, just describing my experience after 2 losses).
We have now had 3 cycles off trying (as in, we are using condoms to prevent the wondering). I’m still not ready to start trying again. I’m not 100% convinced I’ll even want to, but I do think we probably still want another kiddo, so we will likely try again. Maybe we’ll even hit that perfect timing again a year later? I’m trying to let go of the idea of a perfect time but it’s so hard!
Ugh, so frustrating. And I’m soooo sorry that you have suffered TWO losses. That is literally the worst and no one should have to endure that! I can understand the psychological appeal of a break after that, for sure.
More complaining
Part of the hard part for me is the understanding that, 6 months from 40 with already bad numbers and one mmc under my belt, I am too terrified to lose egg quality time to take a break if I wanted to. (I mean, I’m sure I would if it got psychologically dangerous, but barring that.)
In a totally ideal world, I’d have been able to wait until graduation and completion of my psychedelic program to even start TTC, but sadly, I’ll be almost 42 at that point, and since I tested with the AMH of a 42-year-old when I was 37, I feel like that’ll probably be pretty close to the end of the road for my fertility.
I keep getting irrationally (but thankfully temporarily) angry at things outside of my control, like why did I not meet my partner until I was almost 36? Why did the field I’m going into not exist until pretty much the same time? Why do I have lower numbers than I’m supposed to for my age? Why couldn’t I just be like even 2 or 3 years younger than I am?
It’s pointless anger, and once I let it wash through me, I am capable of making peace with it and accepting unchangeable reality, but then it eventually flares back up again if I start to ruminate.
Why is it so difficult to mentally stay in a NTNP space? Like I was not planning on actively trying for 6-9 months after going off BCP in October. Just seeing what my body does, if I ovulate, etc. But it’s hard not to feel with each week like my time and chances to ovulate are slipping away? Even though I’d kind of prefer a post-vaccine pregnancy… (for reference I’m 32 with PCOS currently on CD 50 and no temp spike yet…)
Semi related: is it normal for LH to be positive for 2 days? Or am I likely seeing a mediocre positive because of PCOS and always/often being a little high? I got almost no line today, though (3rd)…
Just trying to figure out if these work on me, basically.
It’s normal to have LH in your system at almost all times. A positive LH is where the test line is *as strong or *stronger than the control. The duration of this varies, but yes, some women it’s for multiple days- it doesn’t really matter though, since egg release is timed to the beginning of the spike (12-72 hours from then, usually 24-36). PCOS gets tricky if you’re not also temping, because PCOS bodies will sometimes surge and NOT successfully ovulate, so you can have multiple surges in one cycle. That’s why esp with long cycles and PCOS it’s a good idea to confirm the ovulation via temping.
hCG strips can be valid with test darker than control too—as the hCG levels increase, more of the dye sticks to the test line and less is available for the control. A highly prized and coveted result among those who pee on sticks too often, lol!
Note: this usually isn’t one’s first pregnancy test, as it doesn’t typically happen until closer to 5-6 weeks, after most TTCers have already tested, and after most people with a regular cycle will have gotten v suspicious.
The elusive dye stealer, lol! I never got one, I was too cheap to test with the expensive ones
Although that PRESTO study I liked upthread sent me 6 of the fancy ones! That’s like $25+ in tests lol. Time to be disappointed again, but this time fancy:sparkles:
I know when I ovulated (temp spike, fertile CM, positive OPK, libido increase, ovulation pain), and it was around the same time I used to in my cycles before pregnancy (CD14, used to almost always be 14 or 15).
I used to have CD1 like clockwork two weeks after ovulation—if I got the ovulation pain on a Saturday, I’d bleed 2 Saturdays later—but now here I am at 16 DPO and having PMS emotions and many consecutive negative pregnancy tests starting at 11 DPO, but no blood, not even spotting after vigorous sex.
Sooo, is my luteal phase just, like, longer now? Or is there some possible universe in which I could be pregnant and it not showing up on tests at 16 DPO? I feel like that’s super unlikely! I had a faint positive at 11 DPO last time and it was ragingly positive by 16.
Body is done trolling. CD1 at 18 DPO, so I guess I had a 17-day luteal phase this time. Wonder if that’s the new normal or just my body adjusting to post-pregnancy still. I guess time will tell.
@wooljaguar, I’m glad at least the trolling is over!
Had my transfer yesterday. I was upset about work stuff and they clocked my blood pressure kinda high (140/91, when it is always normal), but then they gave me a Valium and I worked hard at relaxing. Now we wait!
I was worried that it wouldn’t make the thaw–this was my very last embryo, so if it didn’t, there just wouldn’t have been anything to transfer at all!
I just got some new beeswax candles in the mail 5 minutes ago, with the express purpose of placing on my altar to send mojo out into the world, so I will light one and send some mojo your way!
Hi, everyone! I finally caught up with this thread. Holding space and sending good vibes to the folks who are struggling with infertility <3
I’ve talked about this on my journal, but to intro myself here: I’m a 33-year-old bisexual cis woman married to another cis woman, and we’re just starting the journey to try to get me pregnant. We have some leads on known sperm donors, and are leaning towards finding someone who is a friend of a friend or an acquaintance.
I have my first meeting with a fertility doctor tomorrow! My plan is to do the initial testing to see if they’re worried that I might need a lot of scientific help to get pregnant, and to plan from there with a potential sperm donor.
fancy:sparkles: