We were thinking I do the week and dad gets weekends, staggered so I get some time on the weekends. But I really don’t like the idea of not having weekend time with my kid.
What have your arrangements been, pros and cons?
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I’m so sorry - I haven’t been in your journal lately and didn’t realize you were going through a separation. I’m too tired to be coherent but I will fill in tomorrow with my many varied co-parenting arrangements over the last 8 years.
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Aw thank you. I’ve been meaning to reach out but it’s all kind of a blur right now. Any thoughts very welcome!
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Okay! I am partly caught up on your journal. I mean, it’s hard to read backwards but I have a bit of picture. Sounds like things are pretty rough right now. Hopefully having some morestructure will help thngs settle down.
These are some arrangements I have had. Initially, we both lived pretty near the school.
Arrangement 1: switching every 2-3 days depending on my work schedule, which rotated on a 2 week schedule. The XFP dropped off the children at my house and I had to take them to school every day, which suuuuucked. Because at this time I worked both Saturday and Sunday every other weekend, I had the children on the weekends that I did not work and he had them the other weekends.
This arrangement was terrible. It’s only merit was that it enabled me to keep my evenings-and-weekends job.
Arrangement 2: 2-2-5
The boys were with their father Mondays and Tuesdays and with me Wednesdays and Thursdays. Fridaythrough Sundays alternated. So, like, sometimes they were with me Wednesday through Sunday and sometimes with their day Friday through Tuesday? It was still pretty complicated but at least the weekdays were set.
We could NEVER find mittens, boots, or backpacks at this stage. It was grueling. Of course, there were by this time 4 boys involved and they were all almost the same size, so no wonder it was complicated. And the fucking school uniforms! Never where they were needed!
Stepmom/the XFP helped out sometimes with Thursday afternoon child care because that was a real gap. But I bore the burden of the early release every Wednesday. That would be my day off because school got out at 1:30 on Wednesdays WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT TO PEOPLE??
Fun fact: This was the era when we had a communications breakdown (literally involving a broken phone) and the school nurse called the police because it wook us 3 hours to get someone to the school to pick up LB when he had a fever. (For the record, it was not my day, it was their day.)
Arrangment 3: The Arizona years
When the XFP moved to Arizona, the Boy moved in with me and became the after school parent. The children were by this time 7 and 8. They would go to Arizona for the whole summer and most school breaks. It made it hard to take the kids on vacation.
Arrangement 4: The suburb years
The XFP moved back to Denver but lives in a suburb far enough away that he can’t take the kids to school. So we now have a traditional “every other weekend” situation. The boys are with their dad when I work Saturday.
He still gets the boys on most school breaks, including most of the summer, although now that he is going back into classroom teaching they won’t always line up. They are now old enough that they don’t need round-the-clock supervision.
Financials
He WAY underpays and I just live with that because the Boy doesn’t want to fight it. We gave him extra credit because he was keeping us from needing day camp but that’s not a thing anymore. (In Colorado there’s a cut off where child support is reduced if the children spend at least I think 95 nights with the secondary parent.)
Your situation
Does the porcupine live far enough away that he can’t be a school day parent? I would STRONGLY caution against giving up all weekends and also I would urge your ex not to try to parent every weekend! Super imbalanced for both of you.
If it’s at all possible to have weekday time for dad and child, I really think that’s optimal, whether it’s Wednesday afternoons or whatever. Because I get that every other weekend is just not a lot of parenting time for a kindergartner so that’s why you were thinking every weekend but- really, that’s just not fair to anyone. You need chances to get to be the fun parent and he needs to do some actual parenting.
I hope with some patience and time things will get to a good place for all of you. Look at us now! We’re on such friendly terms and can spend significant time together! We’ve come so far from the days when That Asshole was tricking me into doing his laundry.
Anyway, sorry for the text brick and please let me know if there are any particulars that I can shed perspective on. We are almost to 8 years post divorce and we’re just all doing really well.
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The best happiest friends of mine, the ex has Wednesdays and every other weekend.
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I am not a primary source, but from what I see from my divorced friends with kids, alternating whole weeks seems to work decently. It can be longer chunks alternating when school is out for vacations etc. They all live in the same small town with school age kids so ymmv.
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The main reason we didn’t try this was the weird school schedule with the Wednesdays- at that time my ex and his wife were both teachers and couldn’t possibly be available then- and my work schedule, until 8 pm Mondays and Tuesdays. That’s why we landed on the 2-2-5. Very much an individual thing!
I have a work friend whose husband drove WAY the hell across Denver every morning for years so that he could drive his son from his first marriage to school in the mornings. The opportunities to connect are always there if you really lean in.
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I would strongly advise against giving up every weekend. IIRC, Meowlet will be starting kindergarten, so you will be starting to have homework and after school activities that will all fall on the weekday parent. Plus getting him to and from school will disrupt your workday. It just seems like the most unfair arrangement that could possibly be worked out for you.
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This. Porcu getting all the nice relaxed days with Meowlet while you take care of the hard ones is nowhere close to an equitable or fair or reasonable setup.
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Oh yeah – I would not give up weekends in your situation. Nope nope nope. The Porcu SHOULD be in the part of his graduate career where he has the most control over his schedule. Or it should be at least as flexible as yours. He can/should make time for Meowlet during the week, and you should get some off time during the week. And you each deserve to have some time with Meowlet on the weekends.
With our nesting arrangement what we agreed on was alternating days of parental responsibilities (getting DD up/to school/making dinner/taking to any appointments), and when TheEx had a long trip to China, I got some “off” time on my own to compensate for having had single parent duties for several weeks. It never ended up working out that way – I still did 70-80% of all the emotional and practical parenting, easy. But It did allow me to do the MMM Moab trip twice and take some local trips with my sister. And if I had something going on one evening I’d just plan ahead and be sure TheEx was fine with dinner duty that night, etc. I know that kind of thing is not going to work for your situation – you probably want much clearer boundaries and schedules, especially when just starting out. But eventually as things evolve hopefully it can be more flexible – for all of your sakes. Just be careful not to be taken advantage of. It was easier for me to accept the heavier parenting load because I was retired AND I really valued/craved the time I did have with DD. Our relationship is so strong and positive now. We even survived our move with minimal sniping at each other!
BTW, I can’t remember what it is called but there is software that helps you manage custody schedules, shared expenses, appointments, etc. Some people put using that as a management/communication tool into their agreements.
I think this is the one our mediators suggested:
Holy AI – it comes with a “Tone Meter”! Wish I had had that in my work life…
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This isn’t really a suggestion, but perhaps more an idea to consider: is 50/50 really the goal? Are both parents interested not just in equality, but in maximizing their parenting time?
For cultural and maybe logistical reasons, my mom got me 100% of the time and then we moved to a different continent for stepdad’s grad school. I didn’t have contact with my father for a lot of my childhood, until I started emailing him as a teen of my own initiative. This wasn’t ideal, I wish as much effort had beenput into that relationship as us knowing our grandparents. But I did have stability as a result.
An example closer in time and place, my friend’s ex fought her tooth and nail, but when he only got every other weekend custody, he didn’t even use that time (sometimes left the kids with his parents, sometimes just flaked). To put it mildly he is not a nice guy so honestly the kids are better off mostly being with mom. I admit I’m biased, but I’m right.
Not saying either of these represent your case at all, @Meowkins, but sharing to highlight that uneven splits… are an option, I guess? And there’s really no right or wrong there’s just right and wrong for you.
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Just asked Ponder, he did a week at each house and said swapping on Friday was hard and swapping Monday nights after school was much better. He was about Meowlet’s age when his parents split and they lived in suburbs adjacent to the one his school was in, so like 10-15 minutes apart and about the same from each house to his school. Both parents were quite committed to putting the effort to be there for their kids and were able to get accommodation & jobs near each other, which can be tricky.
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Why’s that
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I’m not Ponder, but that actually makes a lot of sense to me. Monday nights have a lot less ambiguity than Friday nights. You might not know who is at the house, or what’s for dinner, but you know that you’ll have a normal bedtime, and that school is tomorrow, and the normal schedule is in place. Friday night, you could be walking into plans that are completely random. Tomorrow morning we’re going to the beach yay! or the doctor boo! or away for the weekend yay! or yardwork boo!
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Pretty much what Rocklobster said, Mondays and the following days had a consistent pattern and his parents planned the week from Monday -Sunday, so a Friday swap was much more chaotic. They could discuss the weekend with the kids before it happened, tell them about playdates and activities.
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