I am sick of not knowing what to say and therefore nodding tiredly when family members make comments about my toddler son having all the girls chase him because of course he’s already sexually aware and hetero.
There is other stuff too, but, does anyone have a script for responding to this? I am having trouble finding anything online - just rants from other parents about the same issue. These people are not going to read that article, ever.
Other people needing scripts for other expectations put on young kids welcome to chime in with their problems, we can crowdsource ideas.
Depends on who you’re talking to, but I know people who do well with semi-jokey responses like “what, and you think all the boys aren’t chasing after him?” or “yes, he’s already asked if he can borrow the car for prom.”
YMMV, obviously. Not everyone gets the gentle “pls stop” request embedded in that sort of response, and some people are flummoxed at the mention of anything non-heterosexual, so.
I don’t have kids, but in other contexts where people are making comments I find creepy, “I don’t know why you would think it’s appropriate to say that.” tends to shut down a line of discussion pretty quick.
I usually say things like “I’m just focused on letting her be a baby right now” and then switch the subject. I feel like that conveys that it’s kinda weird to push this on a small child, so let’s let them simply be children please.
A classic situation for us at the moment is that DH’s grandma will say “He’s got such lovely physical feature/cheerful kid, he must have all the girls chasing after him!”
I can’t redirect to “boys and girls” because she will agree without taking the hint (at least she’s not homophobic?)
Talking aloud has made me realise it’s the implication of sex rather than the hetero. So I need to redirect to “yes, he has lots of friends who he likes to play with” and just reiterate.
Caveat- non-binary descriptors were not yet the norm in my area when my son was little.
At Duckling’s age I’d usually say something like, “Or boys; but I think it’s more likely they’ll play together and invent cool cars."
My goal was to 1. Subtle nope to old school sexist statement and 2. Shift the scenario to language about curiosity/growth as a person.
I actually had a notebook with scripts written down, that I would practice, so that I didn’t simply deflect (the ineffective defense of women everywhere….). I was incredibly shy when my son was small and was often abrupt and rude when I felt affronted. His dad has always been an amazing conversationalist and he’s likely the one that shaped a lot of our family language.
This is exactly what I do at the moment and can confirm, it is ineffective no problems with foot in mouth from me, at least! I also totally end up blunt and slightly aggressive when I have been polite too long!
Depending on the person, I say “that’s kind of creepy!” in a mildly disgusted way. Maybe not appropriate for your Grandma though. I do a lot of deflecting.
Had to use one today. Was talking with my mom, grandma, and aunt on FaceTime today and mom said “Oh Bobbin has SUCH A BAD TEMPER!” And I was like NOPE. Shut that shit down. I told her 1) not to say that and 2) you’d have a temper if you were working hard to express yourself but the people around you just kept not understanding what you were trying to communicate.
At 15 months she is doing really well at trying to tell us what she wants and she does get big feelings and act out a little when she doesn’t get her way or whatever. But I’m not gonna sit here and tell her that she has a bad temper. She’s got feelings like we all have and she’s learning to navigate them.
Of course I got that whole shaking heads and knowing laugh from my family about this but whatever. I’m not going to teach her to bottle up her feelings like I was taught. Especially not at sub 2 years old.
I felt like I had this gender thing kind of worked out enough for my kid as he is, and now I’m having a baby with the other option for genitals and there feels like no good way to navigate this for her. A new set of things to push back against, as her own personality and gender expression emerges. My BFF asked if she could get a few cute girly things for her and I know she loves dressing up small children regardless of gender/sex and I don’t, but it felt like a crushing expectation of “girl must wear girl things”… At least I’m navigating some of this before she arrives, so when I’m a grumpy sleep deprived asshole I don’t burn too many bridges?
What about asking for balance… "You know I’m more into practical baby clothes than you are, so please make sure anything you buy is comfortable and easy to put on, I don’t want to waste it by not using it. And if you buy an ott girly item, can you balance it with (this wording works for me but maybe not the younger generation) a butch piece? That way when baby looks back at what auntie x bought her, she’ll see both.
this is good, I will use this later. I ended up thanking her and asking if she could pick a few cute hair clips for both of my kids - Duckling would enjoy putting cute items in his own hair and his sister’s.
Saying “I don’t want to waste it by not using it” is gold for me. Definitely going to use that line in the next interaction with someone.
Ugh yes, I have a two month old daughter and it’s hard! So far, free has outweighed anything else which is how we ended up with a pink crib and a lot of pink clothing. We have balanced out the nursery by including lots of other bright/bold colors in it and any clothes I’ve purchased have been much more on the “male” or “neutral” spectrum.
My scripts so far have mostly been around clothing but I usually say “sure, we like pink AND blue things, butterflies AND dinosaurs, just like we would with a boy.”
Another one I like depending on the person is “oh, we’re trying not to reinforce gender stereotypes do early on. I’m sure if she likes [thing] she’ll let us know as she gets older.”
Obviously my two month old doesn’t care much about the books we are reading yet, but today I took a sharpie to one about construction trucks so that half of the trucks had female pronouns. If I had been thinking about it more, maybe I would have changed one to they/them.
So far we’ve only had one awkward comment about Pumpkin being a girl, when I mentioned my mum is coming to help us sort our baby clothes stash and Ponder’s grandma asked if we wouldn’t need new clothes. I had a blank face for a moment and then slowly explained babies are all the same shape. And size. (I mean, babies are not the same size, but their genitals don’t make very much difference there…)
We kept all of our favorite clothes from our first (boy) for our second (girl). She wears a lot of them, especially the ones with animals she likes or robots. She’s 21 months now, super opinionated about her clothes, and she definitely prefers things that are pink with flowers. It’s weird.
On the other hand, our son also likes “girly” things like painting his nails, loves to watch My Little Pony, and thought some rainbow bedazzled sneakers were “beautiful” and wanted to buy them. I’m having trouble with my mom, and also a little bit my husband, cringing and trying to steer him away from things like that. I don’t know how to work on changing their minds, other than telling them I’m not going to forbid him from these minor things that he enjoys. No one should care if he has sparkly shoes.
My son’s favourite gumboots are sparkly pink and light up when he stomped! Sadly he outgrew them. Now he has spaceship ones he loves just as much.
Sorry to hear your mum and husband are having trouble getting their heads around it. My mum already waged the required wars on my side of the family when she had a boy after 2 girls, and therefore dressed him in all the practical but generally pink things people had bought her for us (because being frugal says we keep the clothes).
no problems with foot in mouth from me, at least! I also totally end up blunt and slightly aggressive when I have been polite too long!
this is good, I will use this later. I ended up thanking her and asking if she could pick a few cute hair clips for both of my kids - Duckling would enjoy putting cute items in his own hair and his sister’s.