Fascinating! I love this.
I don’t think I’ve asked what can I bring and been told not bring anything? I feel like among the people I know, if they don’t want you to bring something, they just say wine? Will have to pay attention.
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Oh yeah, totally! I would find it rude to bring something that’s meant to be eaten right then and there. I don’t like when people try to “help” by bringing food in that way, because I have a full menu planned and space is so limited! I once had someone bring a bunch of raw marinated chicken drumsticks to a dinner party and insist on me baking them and serving them. I did it but I was pissed inside, lol. Usually when I bring something it’s either something to drink or flowers or something like that, maybe dessert if they say they want that, and I don’t expect them to serve it right then if they don’t want to. My family is mostly Italian and Lebanese, and yeah, same with food. So much food. All the food. What is “not hungry”? That’s not a thing.
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Um…yeah I’d be pissed too! I’ve had this happen a couple of times when I’ve hosted and it’s always so random “I brought these Italian sausages to throw on the grill” …um, well I prepared Jambalaya, green beans and a salad. But yeah, go ahead and throw those on outside on the grill I wasn’t planning to have to use. Haha.
A random aside, to further hammer home the Italian/Sicilian food thing. I once mentioned in passing to one of my aunts that I loved her artichoke parmesan (it’s basically heaven). Now if she knows I am coming home she will literally make me an entire 12x20 pan of it, even if it wasn’t part of the meal plan for the family dinner. Last time I was home for Christmas she literally put this pan down in front of me on the table like…“here you go, eat up!” haha. I was so sad I couldn’t keep any leftovers!
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Awww, hahaha I love that.
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One side of my family is very Italian, and this is how they behave also. If they say they’re inviting you to dinner, they expect to provide the dinner (and probably a plate to take home afterwards) and would find it very weird/insulting if you felt the need to add to the meal. On the other hand they’re generally appreciative of a bottle of wine, although with most of my relatives it would go on the shelf for a later date unless specifically requested because they’ve generally got drinks planned too.
Thinking about it, I think they’ve rubbed off on me more than I realized…when invited to parties/game nights/whatever I always ask if I can bring something, and while I wouldn’t show up empty handed unless the response was along the lines of ‘DO NOT’ vs ‘Oh, don’t worry about it’,’ unless food of some type is specifically requested I’d default to some kind of drink that I know that the host likes so they can choose to either serve it or put it aside.
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Feeling v called out 
I sometimes buy disposable to-go containers so people can load up on their way out. I don’t force it…but they’re there. Most people take a lot IME!
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If you’re A Guest or it’s your first time at my house I’ll ask if you want something to drink. After that you can ask where the cups are if you don’t remember from your previous visit, help yourself. (Being “A Guest” is different from friends/family in my head. More formal or something.)
That said most of my friends I’ve known forever (let’s not start doing math on the years…) and they were confused after we got our kitchen redone and moved everything around. We all make ourselves at home in each other’s kitchens. I will probably have to revisit this if I’m successful in making new IRL friends over time.
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One of my friends here is like that! I still ask every time if it’s ok 
and she’s like YES JUST GET IT. Hahaha. Force of habit!
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This gifting convo is so fascinating! I love gift giving/receiving but I’m also easily stressed about whether or not I’m Doing It Right, so I’m much more likely to send my friends random gifts and miss actual events lol.
For dinners I also do the “text on the evening of and ask if I can bring something”, and the answer is usually wine/beer/seltzer. Occasionally it’s “oh crap I forgot can you get a bag of ice”
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If I was going to spend $200 on a meal, it had better be a waaaay better meal than any I’ve had at a wedding reception AND there had better not be any speeches.
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It is expensive to be born in this generation, unfortunately! (No one is forced to have a big wedding - I didn’t have one! - but lots of things cost more than maybe they feel like they should).
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As a big gift giver, this concept rubs me the wrong way too. I am not giving you a gift to offset the cost of my attendance (not meal, a wedding involves much more than a meal), I am giving you a gift because I want to celebrate you! How fancy or expensive a wedding is should have no bearing on the gift to me. That’s also why I don’t understand not sending a gift if not attending the wedding. The two are not connected in my mind.
I also don’t bring things when going to someone’s house for a normal dinner party. If it’s a stated potluck, that’s cool, but otherwise I expect there to be a set menu that the host has sorted out/planned. You bring food to my dinner party, I assume you think my food will suck and you needed to guarantee something for yourself.
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I had what I thought of as a small wedding, but would probably be considered midsize here (75 people), it was some 12 to 15K all in. I was so happy to be able to throw a great party and celebrate with so many people from different parts of our lives together. I hope my guests felt like it was more than just a meal.
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I know we live in different parts of the country and you’ve been married for a minute, but I’m impressed by your wedding budget! When I think about our 10 person ish SF city hall wedding + nice but not excessive dinner, the number that sticks in my head is $5K? Now I’m wondering if I’m misremembering.
(Edit: I am looking at spreadsheets, and this was over thre course of a weekend, where we hosted multiple meals. Worth it!)
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This was central Florida almost 10 years ago. We also got some hella deals.
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I think/feel the same way! I love giving gifts. It’s a fun opportunity to do something for someone in a really tangible way, whether it costs a lot or not isn’t important, and isn’t dependent on any kind of reciprocation, etc.
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I had someone over the other day and she brought a hostess gift of chocolate covered blueberries in addition to the dessert (store bought cookies), and I realized I never bring a hostess gift.
I hope I haven’t offended people with my thoughtlessness, but it is literally thoughtlessness, it never crosses my mind as a thing to do because it wasn’t ever done when I was growing up.
(For weddings, we generally give $200-300 to cover both of us if we are attending, and a $50ish gift off the registry if we aren’t attending. But we don’t get invited to many weddings these days.)
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Another thought I had and another reason I eschew wedding gifts as a rote requirement: why would I only give gifts to my friends who get married and not the ones who chose not to.
It just feels weird to me. The whole thing.
The end.
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LMAO I hear you but it is what it is! I had a pretty middle-of-the-road wedding for 150ppl in Chicago, and plates were $115 each. It’s just the way the wedding industry has gone!
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We get invited to lots of weddings (or did, preCovid) and some of them I don’t really know either of the people getting married. They are either old students of dh’s or the children of friends. If I don’t go to the wedding of someone I don’t actually know, I don’t feel any obligation to send a gift.
If it’s someone I remember fondly, I probably would pick something off a registry.
Though several years ago I did that and later realized that they probably had no idea who it was from as it was shipped with my name but not dh’s!
Mercifully, at this point as my actual friends remarry or marry long time significant others, the invitations usually say NO GIFTS. We all have more crap than we need.
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