We rarely regret helping those we love 
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Would it be awkward to gift to the friend directly? GoFundMe takes a chunk out of the proceedings and I always encourage those who can to make a direct contribution instead. Or if you have concerns over her knowing how much you gave, you could ask for the medical records number and medical institution where the bills are and make a payment there.
As to how much to give, only you can say that. How much would you give were the medical event to have just happened? Being able to budget for it is a red herring since she resisted asking for help for so long. Could you provide help in non-financial ways that would have an impact as well?
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What is your monthly charity budget? If you can, you could halt all your normal donations for a month or two and give her that money.
ETA: Not that you have to share your charity budget here, I just mean you could easily reallocate it
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I’ve offered many times but she’s uncomfortable with direct money gifts. I did send her an early Xmas gift that included material needs instead of just, like, shiny fun things. It’s hard because she’s not local to me so I can’t, like, help with chores or bring her homecooked meals (though I have sent her gift cards for takeout and such.)
I believe the issue is less needing to pay medical institutions, and more that she paid them and now is very behind on her mortgage. And is also having trouble paying her Cobra premiums which I guess, there was covid relief for this but that’s gone now?
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AHA, you have hit on the problem. I don’t have one. I tend to be reactive, see a need and give something, then beat myself up when I don’t hit my savings goal that month. I’ve been really resistant to setting a monthly amount because it hurts my brain to figure out what the amount should be. It becomes a tug of war of “I have savings, I am relatively healthy, I am privileged so I should give more” vs “We have a very expensive cross country move coming up, and I will never own property if I don’t get serious about down payment savings.”
Then I end up feeling like an asshole and therefore don’t solve the actual issue, which is, I need a set budget. For everything, really, not just charity. My current method is “try not to spend anything at all ever” and, well, this does not work. 
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Yeah being reactive rarely bodes well for anything but especially long term planning. What if you brainstorm a more measured way to figure out the right amount instead of basing it on reactive emotions (I’m rich/I’m guilty/I’m healthy) too?
Like, if you look at what you spend on charity on average based on the last 6-12 months, because that will give you a baseline of what you can reasonably afford. Then you can round out the number, so say it’s like $117.89, round it up to $120. Then, figure out what percent of your income $120 a month is and you know your giving percentage. I like having my charity numbers set because it takes the constant daily decision making off the table, if people here share an interesting charity or I get sent a gofundme, I don’t even have to consider it because my charity dollars are already out working. When my husband gets a raise I up our charity giving along with our savings rate, so that’s when I decide new charities but it’s only once a year.
Is there a reason that ^ wouldn’t work?
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I have some charities that I give to regularly, but I also have a charity slush fund that I put some money into every month. That way when something like this comes up (teacher has long Covid bills, a friend’s wife passed away, SOMEBODY has a pet pantry with an Amazon wish list…) I have somewhere to pull it from.
Even if you only put away part of your average giving amount, as AllHat suggested, it’d be a little cushier than pulling a big chunk from your monthly money.
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This makes a lot of sense. I just need to find a way to get over my feeling of “you should be spending NOTHING on X, OMG, your retirement savings are behind and you will never own a house before you’re 80 if you don’t save more.” I seem to be really resistant to accepting “I spend on average $X on food, $Y on entertainment, $Z on personal care, $Q on giving” etc.
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The power of habit is so strong! I feel like I learn that anew in different ways all the time. I think a lot of things in our minds outlive their usefulness because of habit and because undoing those things (even if they are negative) can feel like a threat to our sense of identity. Sometimes you have to be really really really fucking tired of how things are to actually change thought patterns and behaviors, IME at least. I think the current way has to feel so terrible to us that we’re willing to jump for the unknown and start seeing ourselves differently.
Side note, but I always wonder if that’s why there are millionaires on financial fora who still vehemently feel like they are not secure enough, rich enough, privileged, safe, able to make changes, etc. I mean the agonizing those people do is real! It’s like they still see themselves as the broke 20-something struggling to buy beans, even though that person hasn’t existed for a long time. Haha, sorry for the sidetrack I’ve been studying this stuff a lot lately to untangle my own mental mess.
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Yeah, I saw a post the other day at The Other Place where someone is feeling super insecure about money and then it came out that they have $3 million invested and I was like 
I do think that when one has struggled financially, it’s hard to get out of that mindset sometimes and realize that things are OK now - or at least more OK than they were.
Changing my mindset around this will be super helpful after the move, I think - I’ve been wanting to make sure I am not some gentrifying asshole who is just sweeping into town to party and soak up art and culture (a common criticism leveled against transplants by locals). I want to give back to the extent that I can, get involved in mutual aid there, which I have done a little here, volunteer, help others get through storms. Figuring out a balance between giving/volunteering and making sure I’m caring for our own future will be a good skill to bring with me there.
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I think it’s true even for people who haven’t struggled that much! Or who struggled for a very short period of time decades earlier. I think it’s mostly about how the person sees themselves as the protagonist and their life as a plot line more than actual fear that they’ll be evicted or not have food or something.
I wonder if this trend will become even more common now that lack of complaint or even worse, gratitude, is equated with ease which is equated with never having had any obstacles which is equated with unfair advantage which is equated with massive injustice which is equated with being a terrible person. So if things are ok in your life that means you are terrible; if things are terrible in your life that means you are ok. It’s super interesting to me.
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I had (have) the same tug of war generally speaking but eventually I had to realize that even if me and my whole family ceased existing, stopped using any resources on this Earth and gave away all of our money, that would not magically solve even one of the problems I see in the world. And that kind of sucks to realize too. I can’t magically make sure that there are no hungry children in my county. I’m not even aiming for solving world hunger, just in my county.
(I’ve said this part before on this forum, sorry if it’s repetitive but it was a big “aha!” moment for me.) I decided on an amount that worked for me - beware of processing fees, do you want that to be part of that amount or in addition to - and just consider that money “spent”, it’s just a matter of who I’m sending it to in a given month. That’s been a lot better for my mental health.
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OMG. YES. There is definitely a trend out there of “you have these privileges, therefore you are an oppressor and contributing to injustice.” I saw this a lot during last summer’s BLM protests. I personally was told that I was not supportive of the cause because I wasn’t willing to put myself bodily between BIPOC and cops and risk my safety and just gave money instead.
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I sort of got out of this habit during covid for some reason - maybe because I wasn’t vending - but a very simple solution to this problem would be, when my next Amazon Handmade payout hits, that’s the amount that goes to the gofundme. After I had a Real Job again, I started using my profits for either fun money, a fun goal (a lot of it went to our Feb. 2020 Hawaii trip), or charity.
So, I think I’ll do that. Her GFM will be up for a while, my next payout is on the 15th. I currently have $47.20 net in my payout account, not counting today’s 2 small sales.
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What are your favorite tricks for resisting the urge to spend?
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I don’t get a generalized urge to spend. Is it an urge to buy clothes? Makeup? New house? Furniture? Food?? Takeout? Travel?
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Right now it’s mostly food treats, particularly holiday-specific ones, and also replacing stuff that’s worn out or that I don’t like. I’m not really compelled to buy STUFF since we are moving so need to get rid of STUFF.
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One of my biggest things is getting myself busy otherwise, in particular getting myself out into nature. Some thing about outdoor time makes consumerism seem way less appealing to me normally.
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I would replace or throw out the worn out things. Treat yourself as though you’re special and surrounded by nice things. You need one moving and painting outfit.
And then buy some food treats but not all.
If I’m depriving myself of stuff that I need (or my soul needs) I will spend that money seven times trying to fill the need with impulses when I could have just done it once.
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Can you set a budget ($20? 30?) and use that for food treats? Then you can get the joy of picking exactly what you want the most, and it doesn’t feel impulsive.
I did a big move about a year ago, and my advice is to budget now to replace broken stuff or stuff that you hate before the move, especially the stuff that you use all the time. Example from my move: I had a coffee maker that I hated when I lived in Oakland. I thought I was being so smart by selling it the day before we left, but then I scrambled in Denver to get something right away, and now I have another coffee maker that I don’t like. Since it’s cheap and I don’t love it, it’ll last forever.
Sorry, not the advice you asked for!
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