I’m so glad it’s been accurate to your experiences as well 
I’ve tried to do all the research I can, and speak to people directly experiencing it all, but there’s always that nagging doubt you’ve missed something.
I also get my hackles up at “You should just adopt” for all the reasons.
Same for the gross and uninformed ideas that: foster-to-adopt is “easy” OR that queer folks should automatically step up to raise foster kiddos who have experienced significant trauma or have medical/developmental challenges.
Yes, I have friends who foster and are awesome, some have done foster-to-adopt. My complaint is from the people who act like same-sex couples or queer singles should be “lucky” they get any kids and take on the most challenging (or are “heros”…ick).
@Bracken_Joy- This is a fantastic resource! I haven’t looked into surrogacy in a while (at least 5 years ago?), but that’s adds a whole additional set of costs to an IVF process, deep worlds of hurt/disappointment, and ethics about privileged people paying poor women (and internationally, often poor brown women who culturally may not be able to consent) to be uterus-havers in the baby-making process.
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Thanks for this amazing post! My spouse and I are currently talking about children and this is very informative. We’re a cis/straight couple so a free sex baby is an option in theory.
The big debate in our household is whether we for sure want to raise a child throughout it’s life (i.e. try for a bio baby) or whether we want to foster. If we foster, it would be with full knowledge that the goal is to do what’s best for the child and there will almost definitely be some heartbreak along the way. We’d be open to foster-to-adoption if it worked out though.
Since I’m in my early thirties and my family has a mixed history with fertility issues, if we are going to try for a bio-kid it needs to be ASAP but it’s a hard choice for so many reasons (current family support structure, demanding careers, fears about climate change, etc.).
Anyway…hopefully this isn’t too off topic! Thanks again for all the great information!
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I think part of the struggle with foster is that it frequently doesn’t seem like what’s best for the child. =\ But yeah, for people who go in with eyes wide open, it can be a really wonderful thing. I also really hope if you do try for genetic children that you have no issues at all! If you do though, of course feel free to reach out to me at any time.
Ughhhh the “lucky to have any kids” thing is so true and just gets my hackles up. Same idea you run across with infertility. “What, it’s a kid. Isn’t that what you want?”
So glad you liked the piece =) I should add more on surrogacy. If I get a burst of energy, I may do that. A friend has been going through that gauntlet- she can’t afford to pay a surrogate, so she’s been trying to coordinate with women close to her who have offered in the past. People keep backing out now that it’s real though =( I’m just heart broken for her.
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Yeah, I should have clarified that I would be expecting
heartbreak from:
- Getting attached to a child even though we know it’s not a long-term placement
- Seeing a child stuck in a system that doesn’t actually have their best interest at heart, even though it should.
Either way, if we go through with fostering I think the best we can do is to provide a stable and kind home for as long as the child/children is with us.
Based on what you’ve written, I’m not sure how far we would go with medical intervention for a genetic child. I’m seriously impressed by how much you have persevered through everything, but since we are so on the fence about it I think we would take infertility as a ‘decision’ made for us. I could see that changing though if we actually decided to try for a kid though!
Great post BJ. I’d be interested in the surrogacy topic if it gets detailed. We still have no idea if we’ll end up with a FSB or not, but I’m still curious about the options.
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This was weeks ago, but I was curious why having pcos would make it easier. I would’ve assumed it would lead to lower fertility. But apparently it can mean an increased ovarian reserve. Interesting.
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Yep, if you have the polycystic ovary part of PCOS (interestingly, you can have PCOS without PCO), then by definition- you have poly (many) cystic (in this case, follicles containing eggs) ovaries. A typical 25 year old will have something like 20 ‘resting/antral’ follicles on each ovary. Someone with polycystic ovaries will often have something like 30-50 per side. This certainly carries risks- you can easily over stimulate someone with that many follicles, and they have a high risk of a complication called OHSS from an egg retrieval- and there’s also the fact that NUMBER of eggs does not speak to QUALITY of eggs. But in general, women with PCOS have higher AMH and antral follicle count, and often yield far more surviving embryos from a single egg retrieval. I know a 35 year old woman with PCOS that yielded 15 surviving embryos from one single egg retrieval. They retrieved like 55 eggs!
PCOS can lead to lessened natural fertility, but that isn’t always the case. A personal rage point of mine is doctors who don’t adequately explain the nuance of possible infertility to women with PCOS. Too often, they think they’re infertile then have an accidental pregnancy because they went without BC. While PCOS can result in longer time to conception, it is by no means a guarantee. And women with PCOS tend to have incredibly good outcomes with fertility treatments.
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This was a rage point for an ultrasound nurse I spoke to as well, and I have a friend who did exactly this (PCOS, will take ages to get pregnant, WHOOPS.). I have since heard from a second friend that friend #1 has other false ideas about the menstrual cycle despite being educated and married to a dr, so… 
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I technically had sex ed at school, but I saw this glitter clitoris and had NO CLUE it looked like that. It’s a little gorillapod!
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That is the coolest!!
Ahhh PCOS, my old friend. I had so many doctors tell me I had it simply because I’m overweight. It’s such a crapshoot because a lot of people do have it, and it causes issues in so many areas of a person’s health. And it causes issues that even some doctors don’t fully understand it. It fills me with rage that even some of the reproductive specialists I’ve seen still get all “women, how do they work??” 
When this comes up.
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At my first visit w my gyn surgeon last summer he straight up said that womens’ reproductive ailments are mysterious and not straightforward and anyone who thinks pain is easy to diagnose is probably a man 
Then he had a whole analogy where “men’s junk is all right there like the engine on a 1960 Ford truck. Women are like a Ferrari…a whole lot of power crammed in a small space under a fancy hood and nobody wants to figure out what’s wrong in case it gets messed up”
And he said if men experienced any of the pain women did in the abdomen we’d have cures for everything. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, Viagra has benefitted my patients too, but it’s criminal, the disparity in research and care”
And he has a comb over and wears a bowtie
Oh and he broke into song at one point
Hands down my favorite first appointment EVER
/derailment over
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I want your doc.
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I would like a referral to this doctor.
My second opinion reproductive endocrinologist was kind of like this too, she was amazing. When we discovered that my fertility blows and I’d need to get started on trying to have kids if I wanted a chance at all, she said “Now you’ve not got much time left unfortunately, but that doesn’t mean you have to go have sex in the parking garage. You can wait until you get home to get started.” and at my final ultrasound before she sent me to my midwife with Bobbin she quietly added as she was leaving the room “[her very unique Greek name] makes a great baby name…” She also had an amazing burn on my husband during my AFC ultrasound that significantly lightened the mood dispite the bleak outlook of the scan. Her bedside manner was 11/10.
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Re-reading this now as we consider starting our research for clinics and want to reiterate my thanks and love to you, BJ. It’s good to be going in with some sense of expectations.
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I’m so happy this can continue to be a resource! 
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I haven’t read the whole thing here but want to add myself to this thread - I am a parent through donor embryo and always happy to talk about it. Another way to buy a baby that isn’t always as well known!
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Just dropping the start of a thread on donor embryo/embryo donation if people want to read up on that: The Not Pregnant...Yet Thread - #311 by frogger
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