There was a cool thread in MMM crowdsourcing ideas to get partners on the same page for money. I am thinking it might be cool to have a space for that for parenting ideas.
For example, in my family how we talk about food is something I have strong feelings on. My co-parent and I are not on the same page. There’s good will and we’re trying, but it’s just one example of, I’m sure, many things we are trying to work out compassionately with our fellow parent in this crazy journey.
So, in a nutshell this thread is about exploring and problem solving around getting parents or caregivers on the same page.
Rules:
Feel free to be funny, but have a problem solving mindset. Rage and hyperbole are my lifeblood, so far be it from me to hold you back from a hilarious rant, but try to bring it back to what you wanna solve.
Don’t insult other people’s coparents. If you feel like there are red flags you really want to address, then please expect to use all the tact and emotional labor to be polite and considerate in raising them. And maybe do it, in like, a PM.
Beware of sexism. Not that I really care about cis het mens feelings (OK IM JOKING) all this moms know best or dads are dopes doesn’t do anyone any favors. Also is heteronormative. This probably won’t be a problem here but worth mentioning.
This could also go on the tantrum thread, but I think it fits better here - Mr. Meer found a book called “How to Stop Losing Your Shit with Your Kids” by Carla Naumburg.
He read it then said I should read it and we should book club it. It took us like three weeks to find time, but we did. I really liked it because where the “How to Talk” books focus on the kids feelings, this one focuses on how parents have feelings too and kids are insane little shits sometimes and yet we’re expected to be the adult since we’re, y’know, actually the adults. It was a relatively quick read, I screen shotted some stuff to refer back to in the future.
When we talked, nothing earth-shattering was talked about but it was good to directly acknowledge our buttons and stress levels. We talked about some strategies of how we could work together and also how not to do certain things. For example, I asked Mr. Meer if there was a way I could kind of check in with him when I think he’s getting pissed off and he said that I could phrase it as a question rather than a command or statement (“how are you?” vs. “you need to go for a walk”). We also both acknowledged that the times in the past that I’ve told him to go for a walk was well past the crisis point and this check in would happen much earlier next time. Cause there’s going to be a next time. We’re both working from home full time with no childcare, we’re both introverts parenting an extrovert (who I suspect has ADHD but OH WAIT I can’t check with any professionals who know him like his teachers or therapists because he never sees any adults in person except us).
Oh no problem. Adulting on the weekend severely cuts into my internetting, and like I said it took weeks for me and my spouse, who are around each other 24/7, to have time for a one hour conversation to express Serious Thoughts.
Thanks for the book rec! It’s hard to find time to read but I’ve found that books/articles are the best way for my spouse and I to have productive conversations around parenting and get closer onto the same page.
He suggested we read “Hunter, Gather, Parent” which I’m about 25% through a month later. A lot of it is fairly intuitive to me since it’s similar to how I was raised*, but it changes the conversation from “we should obviously do this” to “how did you feel about X thing discussed in the book”.
*Kids are expected to be part of the family and learn family tasks from a very young age is the gist of what I’ve read so far.
Ok I think I need some accountability. We have tried to get through the feeding littles course together so we can talk about it as we go, instead of watch it and neither one of us address what we agree/disagree with, but we havent been doing it.
So tonight we are gonna watch one feeding littles lesson.
We watched one lesson per night until we were through. Good luck! I’m really glad we did it. And doing it at the same time was key- 0% chance SirB would have gotten to it otherwise.
That’s so hard then, nothing but sympathy it took us well over a month to get through it because of his travel and that was during a period of really good/predictable baby sleep.
One of the hardest things about parenting is feeling life, even when you have free time, it never seems to sync up with your partners time. Especially if you want to keep any personal interests or anything.
I’ve been procrastinating on watching the videos, and also secretly feeling resentful that I’m the one researcher all this stuff (though my execution leaves a lot to be desired). I think getting Husband to watch the videos with me, one video a night, would be a good way to go.
Getting on the Same Page - Rant
Husband and I are generally on the same page on things, once we figure out what that “page” is. That’s the conflict in our relationship.
Take sleep-training for example - I read Precious Little Sleep front to back multiple times, and watched all of the Taking Cara Babies series. Worked out a schedule, came up with ideas for trouble-shooting. I had to mark pages in Precious Little Sleep for Husband to read because he wouldn’t read the whole book. Which - fine, but am a little resentful about it. Whenever anything sleep-related comes up, he just asks me what I want to do. Sometimes I know, sometimes I don’t know what to do, and I’d like him to have an opinion as well, but he doesn’t have an opinion because he hasn’t read the literature.
Some of this is undoubtedly gendered; some of it may just be personality differences, but I do find it frustrating.
OH GOD THIS. Like, I appreciate that if my husband doesn’t have a well informed opinion, he’ll defer to me because he acknowledges his opinion isn’t well informed. That’s a big improvement over a lot of my family of origin who will argue from a place of ignorance with zero shame lol. BUT sometimes I wish he would have those informed opinions more, so I was collaborating and not dictating.
FWIW so far I’ve found he’s much more receptive to small bits- IG posts seem particularly effective- versus whole books or classes. Suboptimal but way better than nothing so far
it took us well over a month to get through it because of his travel and that was during a period of really good/predictable baby sleep.