It seems like a lot of us here are either looking to make new friends, struggling to make friends, want fostering current friendships to be more of a priority, are moving or thinking of moving, or are otherwise in flux when it comes to friend-stuff.
This thread is for all things friendship-talk! Ask for advice, give advice, share friendship wins and struggles, share tips if you’re already great at carrying on long-lasting friendships- or weigh in with your wise opinions. Talk about what you did today to pursue or nurture friendships, end toxic friendships, meet people, work on issues with a friend, conquer insecurities, whatever.
Texted my friend/faux sibling in another state today. Since we can’t vid chat anymore (because of my garbage internet) our communication has fallen a bit.
I love this topic! I’m currently struggling a bit with newer friends. I have 2 newer friends who I’d say are closer than acquaintances but not super close and I feel really guilty that I rarely invite them to do things as of late.
In the last 6-8 months I’ve definitely invited them to stuff (hosted them for dinner/game nights, met up for dinner out etc) but it makes me feel guilty lately when they text me about getting together because I don’t want to be “that friend” who doesn’t ever invite people to things and instead relies on other people to do the asking. I just haven’t had the brain space to think about coordinating anything lately (lately being from about November through now). I also can’t always say yes to their invites and that makes me feel guilty.
It’s not like I don’t want to have these friendships but I think I’m just burnt out with all that I’ve got going on. I feel like I might just need to say something along the lines of “I really value our friendship and sorry I haven’t been super present lately, I’m just kind of in survival mode right now and I’m really glad you reached out”
I’ve had several friends say this and I’ve found it makes me feel good that my friendship is worth vulnerability and honesty. We are so conditioned to not acknowledge these things and just carry on.
Thank you for starting this!
I’m in a place where I feel like I have a moderate number of friend-acquaintances (people who I like hanging out with in settings that we’d meet in anyway, or with a group), but really struggle with progressing that to a closer friendship. There’s only a very small number of people I could invite over for dinner, for instance, or talk about something difficult. Partly, I think this is because I’m really bad at maintaining text-based relationships - I just never really “got” how to be an engaging text partner.
@beep_boop I have trouble getting to that deeper level too. Superficial friendships are really easy for me. I’m trying to get better at texting check-ins. Reading here in general has helped with that, just in terms of how people think/see things. I’ve been putting fun texts on my to-do list. Like I literally sent one friend a cat picture with “good morning!” today. These small things seem to make a big difference! I kind of mentally have different people in different categories, like some people like cat pictures, some people like article links, etc.
@Ckni27 It sounds like you are inviting them to things though, at least events! I don’t have kids but I’d understand 100% if a friend with a baby was a little tough to nail down plans-wise. I think just telling them the real reason like you did here is great, you’re in survival mode and it’s hard to make plans!
I like the idea of putting that on my todo list! It’s probably something that I need to be more deliberate about, because it doesn’t come naturally, and I don’t realise I miss it until I really miss it.
I just don’t want it to sound like I’m always making up excuses or that I’m just wholly not even thinking about them or wanting to hang out. The truth is by the end of the day I’m wiped and interacting with anyone but my bed is not on my radar.
The other thing is that one of them is suuuper social. She frequently invites us out to things that I think she knows H and I can’t really do (but she wants us to know we are included, which is kind). I don’t think she’s offended that we can’t do a 9pm impromptu bar meetup, but I feel bad constantly turning her down. But she also loves hosting and invites us to things like her upcoming easter brunch which is perfect.
It feels selfish to me but I feel like we’re still in a phase of everyone has to come to us/do things on our terms if they want to see us. We’ve made a few restaurant outings work, but the last one ended in us hurriedly paying and GTFO because the service took way too long and Bobbin was melting down after 3 hours of waiting. Nights like that are more stressful than fun for me right now, even though I did like seeing friends.
Side note: your bumble adventures are making me want to try it and see if I can make some 1:1 mom friends. I have a puppy playdate scheduled with someone who has the same breed as me and little ones, so that’s a first step. I may join you in bumble-ing soon!
My difficulty with friends is two things: I’m almost always the one who initiates plans/contact and with one exception, I feel like I’m always way more willing to share details/emotional intimacy with people. It’s like they are my top 5 friends, where I’m much lower on their intimacy list.
In September I moved from Boston to the smallish city closest to where I grew up. I didn’t particularly like Boston as a place, and rents were getting so high, so we moved here to be able to afford life better. But. I have so many good friends in Boston and I hate that I left them all. I just saw them for the first time since I moved, and it reinforced how much better my social life was there than here. I don’t really know any people here yet except for my family. I work from home, so don’t have any coworkers. My husband works nights, so I am not getting the social interaction from him I normally would. I am introverted, so loneliness doesn’t bother me all the time, but it does bother me some of the time.
Right now my strategy has been to keep in touch with my friends elsewhere, either just through social media or mailing them physical postcards, which has been really fun. I signed up to volunteer at an event this weekend hoping I can meet some people there. Interested in trying the Bumble friend thing!
I’ve definitely recommended Bumble to other folks! My sister has successfully used it for friendships in the past.
While I’ve recommended Bumble and Meetup, I’ve never actually used either
I just didn’t feel a need at the time, but friends and family were rough social spots and I knew they were resources. If I stay in the area I am now (there’s a chance I will if MWP decides to move here for school instead of staying put) then I’ll definitely try to use both.
In the meantime, my friendships are remote or I have one friend in the area and my siblings.
I’m curious how often people would ideally see friends each week and how you make that happen. In grad school I saw people 0-3 times per week depending on what was going on, so I assumed that’s how much interaction I liked. Now that I’ve moved and have a real job I have so much more energy and brain space that hanging out at home isn’t cutting it any more. I’ve been averaging 2-3 social interactions with people who aren’t my husband a week and I think I’d like to increase that but I have no idea what to suggest on a Tuesday night! Also the problem with cities is that theoretically 10 close friends live here, but in reality they’re 40-60 minutes by public transit or $20 by ride share away.
This. I know that when folks have said this to me, it helps me feel closer to them – they trust me enough to say that things are rough – and it also makes me feel appreciated, because they pretty much said that straightforwardly. And especially for friends with children, it means a lot to have them reach out.
I used OKC two or three times for friend dates – not super successful in creating long term friendships, but it was still decently fun. I wonder about trying Bumble now! It may have a different set of folks on it.
I’m an extrovert and if I’m not super pressed for time with work, I’d prefer daily or near daily hangouts with friends. Given my work schedule and the part where most of my friends have left our town, this is not quite possible, but it’s definitely my preference. I probably get 2-3 days a week now.
