Okay. Asked a friend to be executor. 
wouldnāt want to spring it on her. Splitting kid from money control is wise.
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Apparently one of my friends from college is an estate and wills lawyer in my city and is getting on the phone with me tomorrow.
Noice.
Can yāall share who you wanted your executor to be?
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I asked long time Bestie. Sheās also financially interested/Savvy, not entangled with my family, someone I would trust my life and my kids with. Honestly if she didnāt travel the world for her husbands work and have so many kids already, I would consider her for guardian. And sheās not afraid to stand up to people.
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I have my brother as Guardian and cousin as executor.
Iām neither close nor distant to this cousin - ie, sheās a step removed from me, so emotionally wouldnāt be as upset as my parents / brothers if something catastrophic happened (sheād be sad, donāt get me wrong).
She also has very similar child rearing philosophies as I do - and I felt that was important for someone who was in charge of the funds.
And sheās an accountant.
I did feel it was important to separate the person responsible for the children from the person responsible for the funds.
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Once this was pointed out it was clear to me! And I want someone not subject to power plays by family that will try to control/undermine access to the kids by the guardians etc free from messed up family pressures.
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Thanks for answers! Had a call, have more questions.
So friend said that I can get it done for free basically (she will do it for me) if we donāt do anything complicated like a revokable trust or whatever. Do I need a trust? NW is like $250-300k or so and she said that amount would likely just put him through college or so and so she recommends waiting for 5 or so years for when assets grow/get more complicated.
Does that make sense to you all? (It does to me, just wondering)
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Probably no on needing a trust? What I like about the trust is that itās private so no one can know what we have in there outside the people who need to know (when they need to know). Itās also tidy for real estate if/whenever you get to that point. For your current situation, I would say the will is probably perfect.
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Is it weird this conversation makes me feel better about not having one before kids? The default order in CA of spouse->parents-> sibs works for me and is what I specified in beneficiaries. No complicated assets like real estate yet. I suppose we should pick someone to take the cats.
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PTF. Have been needing to get this done for ages. Especially important now that large amounts of cash will be hitting my accounts from the house sale. Will likely set up a trust to ensure the kids donāt blow everything if I get hit by a bus or something ā I doubt that they would, but doesnāt hurt to be prudent.
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I also need to update my will, poa, etc. I have no close living family (husband, kids, parents or siblings) and Iām kinda close to one of my cousins and some I never see or talk to. Iām struggling about if I leave something to one cousin should I leave something to all or go with a different split, and the split between friends, family and charity. The friends who Iād like to leave some money to are also the friends who might be named as medical poa, executor etc and I feel a little weird naming someone to be my medical poa who will benefit financially from my death. I know my situation is different than a lot of other peopleās but Iām open to thoughts.
Oh I also moved across the country recently about asking someone nearby Iāve not known that long versus someone Iāve known for a long time who is far away to be my medical poa / decision maker - does anyone have any good advice on this topic?
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We did something kinda complicated. Each of our siblings gets some money. If we die before the kids are 24, thereās an annual amount that goes to their guardians for raising them. There is an additional set amount for each kid between ages 24-38 that they can use for 1 of 5 reasons (education, home purchase, starting a business, childcare, or extraordinary medical expenses) and the rest is equally split between 4 charities. If the kids donāt use that second pool of money by 38, they get the rest of that pool outright. The goal was to give our kids a bit of help, and protect them against catastrophic medical expenses, but not leave them ātotally out of touch with realityā money.
Both of us have siblings we trust so they are our executors. Itās not really a job I would wish on anyone, but they would do a good job.
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Morally/ethically itās 100% your choice whether and how much you leave to anyone. Also most sensible people will recognize that whoever you are closer to will get your inheritance. Unfortunately, some people are not sensible or tactful and will cause drama with their entitlement (usually those stories seem to come from siblings/offspring rather than cousins though). Iām not convinced changing your plan will actually help that, so I wouldnāt include it in the consideration.
In general, I like the idea of transparency and think that if inheritance would change someoneās actions as my POA, I wouldnāt want them as a POA! But also, if it feels weird, you donāt have to tell them?
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Posting to follow. I have been wanting to do this for a while, and keepā¦notā¦doing it. 
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How do yāall actually go about finding a lawyer to do this? It would be easier if I were in a small town with limited choices, but Iām in a major metro area and I have zero idea about how to choose a lawyer. Does it matter? Is this just simple and not worth agonizing over and I should just do a game of darts with the yellow pages??
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Is there anyone you can ask for a recommendation?
I have used a couple (moved states), and if you donāt have the ability to get a referral from family or friends, I would just use google reviews and get pricing from a few. In my experience the paperwork is about the same and thereās only slight variation in pricing. I think I called 2 and picked the cheaper ($1200 vs. $1500 or something similar IIRC).
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I googled and went with the friendly slightly out of date website that specifically said they specialize in artists and non traditional families.
We didnāt have either complexity, but itās who I want to keep in business.
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I canāt remember how I found them (maybe the local ChooseFI group?) but I really like the philosophy of this practice and how upfront they are about their fees:
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We did ours through the legal service offered as part of Husbandās work benefits. We have it set up so if we both die, Luigi (or future pets) have a guardian (plus 2 backups) and money specifically for their upkeep/needs. Thereās also 50k each going to Husbandās niece and my closest sisterās kiddo. Iām an asshole and not leaving money to my other nieces and nephews. We arenāt close, either with the kids or their parents so much. The rest of the money goes to charities. We also have backup POAs for each other and language in there about end of life stuff.
If you have beneficiaries listed on any accounts that usually trumps wills so keep an eye on that so the money is spread out the way you want.
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If you still need referrals let me know. Iād be happy to get you some names.
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