One and Done discussion

Parenting
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Sibling stuff

She will also have two awesome much older brothers who will babysit her in highschool, visit home from college/work/adventures, maybe take her traveling, maybe be mentors and guides on her career path or for her hobbies. Kind of like young uncles or much older cousins (since they won’t be home much for most of her remembered childhood). I have a few friends that have much younger sisters (15-18yrs!) and my own sister is 8 years younger. Actually, on that basis I can probably say… She will probably be a part of their childhood (teenage years) a lot more than they are a part of hers.

Actually, I know someone with a 30 years younger half sibling (dad remarried to a younger woman. I assume. ) Admittedly that gets…very unusual. I think that really is more of an aunt/uncle relationship!

On a different note, I’ve developed an opinion that one of the most damaging things to do for siblings is to make too much of a point of being fair. Not saying not to try to BE fair/equal with time, gifts, treats, etc but don’t defend it to the kids. It becomes an internal monologue and then people squabble over who got more wedding gifts and inheritance as adults. Maybe it was easier with 3&5 year gaps than it would be with a 1 year gap, but it was made very clear to me that things are NOT fair. Not because someone was loved more but because we are different people and our parents had grown up and the world had changed in the 5 or 8 years between us being the same ages. They pushed us to substitute comparison and competition with “were a family and we pull together and we help each other out and when one of us wins we all do” and it worked. At least on me.

I sometimes envied my only child friends, but mostly loved having siblings, especially toward adulthood. I definitely pictured my family with two kids (three seems thoroughly incompatible with career). But we got a later start due to grad school/financial and fertility issues, and we’ll see how this pregnancy goes and what kind of kid we get. I think once we have one I am willing to NTNP and leave it to fate once I get sleep again, and until I don’t think it’s safe. I don’t think I would go as far as IVF for a second, but I may eat those words.

And none of the above is any kind of judgment of what others want for themselves! (Nothing wrong with IVF from scratch for a second kid! Or third!)

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43

I know someone who did it for her 4th… apparently to avoid what I have! She has 2 kids in high school and like a 4-year-old and 1-year-old. More power to her!

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44

I am estranged from my 3 siblings so I dunno man sometimes being born from the same family means nothing?

It’s all just so hit and miss.

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45

I agree that the sibling thing is a huge crapshoot. As mentioned, I am the oldest with one sister 2 years younger, 1 sister 6 years younger, and 1 brother (who was a surprise), 12 years younger. I was super close to sister #2 growing up but after college we have always lived a plane ride away from each other and she now has 4 young kids and a FT job so I’m lucky to talk with her once a month or so (although we do have a family chat on WhatsApp that’s good for sharing pics and general goings on). And while I wasn’t super close to Sister #3 growing up because of the age difference, she moved to the same area as me after college (and even lived with my husband and me for a while) and we now share a ton of interests and she is my closest friend. With my brother he was only six when I left home, but as he has gotten older we have gotten to know each other more and I’d say we’re somewhat close.

Neither of my parents are/were (my mom passed away last year) especially close to any of their siblings despite (or because?) of having so many but some of the siblings are very close to each other. Meanwhile, my husband’s two sisters each live 12 hrs away in opposite directions but they make efforts to either come back or we go out to them to visit them. It’s also tougher for husband to be close to them because of the age and gender difference and different life paths.

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46

I have only one, not a purposeful choice.

I’ve talked to my son/his partner a lot that I don’t want them to put caregiving ahead of their own well-being. Long term care insurance and saving for expenses like in home PCA later in life are biggr retirement goals for me than something like travel.

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47

Yeah this is an important conversation and one that we are planning for in advance of needing it.

It is nice that I can help spouse with figuring out how to support his mom (only living parent). Thankfully she is financially secure. At some point it will come down to a choice of her moving into an assisted living facility in her city, or moving closer to us. We will let her make the choice as long as she’s capable of making it.

My parents are a decade younger and still caring for my grandmother. Hopefully we won’t have to worry about them for quite a while but in reality a lot of it will fall to my sister who lives a few miles away. I’ll likely end up supporting financially because that will be needed.

ETA we have lots of life insurance and will do everything possible so that Pipsqueak will only have to deal with our end of life from an emotional perspective and not financially or too many logistics.

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48

Current discussion is dovetailing in a timely manner with me reading “the gentle art of Swedish death cleansing” right now. I wish more parents would consider and plan for their own mortality, regardless of how many kids they have.

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49

Something I learned from a family friend’s protracted experience with ALS is that the majority of expenses in many cases come during the lifetime, not after death. Long-term care insurance could be worth looking into if you are trying to avoid those expenses falling on a family member.

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I have read that book. I am following my mom’s example of when I die everything is paid for including my funeral and a person could pack and dispose of my condo in 3-4 hours. Now she wrote her own obituary and asked people to sing certain songs at hers. I don’t care about either of those things.

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Even as a younger than audience person, it’s a great read. Both for mindset and because she’s such a subtly hilarious person.

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52

At the risk of taking this discussion too far afield, I thought that LTC insurance was basically written in such a way now that it isn’t really worth it anymore. From what I (admittedly vaguely) remember reading, our grandparents and parents were able to use it, but now that people are living longer with more wrong with them, it’s basically not worth it for what you pay vs. what they pay out. Am I way off base on that?

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53

Oof, I haven’t been plugged into details since the 2000s, so that’s entirely possible :frowning:

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This has been true in my immediate and extended families, by a large amount - long term health needs that are age related but people who tend to live a long time.

My parents are currently using theirs quite a bit. In the past six months theirs has paid for an aide several times per week, to help with household tasks like teaching my dad how to do laundry, setting up their new phones when they got them, addressing mail since my mom’s hands are not able to, helping think of ways to make access easier for my mom and her scooter, making sure their budget is still reasonable for how they eat. She is not allowed to do medical anything - it’s a separate program from home nursing.

It also paid for them to retrofit their interior doors to be wider to allow a scooter/wheelchair to get through.

It also reimbursed my dad for the ramp he made in their garage.

My mom said they have more benefits available that their aide has gone over with them but they don’t feel they need to utilize them just yet.

ETA my parents are both retired, living in their home. My dad has typical ability for his demographic. My mom has typical mental ability and extremely diminished physical ability, notably within the past year losing sight hearing and mobility. She’s still a smartass though lol

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55
LTC, perhaps morbid, off topic

That has to be true mathematically for any insurance, doesn’t it? And for many things you’re happy not to use it. You’re paying to offset the risk.

I’m not a fan of Dave Ramsey but his LTC strategy made some sense. He said get it as a couple to protect retirement savings, which the surviving partner will need to live on. If the surviving partner spends all the savings on care, they can fall back on medicaid without depriving anyone of livelihood (assuming descendants aren’t relying on an inheritance).

Stats say on average LTC services are needed 2-4 years.

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56

We are one and done. Kiddo is 10 now. I always thought I wanted multiples, but then PPD, anxiety, and a kid who didn’t sleep through the night until 2.5 years old (not once!) happened. I also didn’t have an easy pregnancy, and we lived far from any family and had no village at all. Our parents flew out once or twice a year, which I am so grateful for, but it was So. Hard.

I also just felt at peace with one, which is hard to put into words.i do sometimes feel small pangs of regret. He is often the only only in his class. I have made an effort to connect him with kids from larger families that he can get some idea of the sibling experience and also I can invite his friends over for some peaceful playtime.

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57

I am very grateful that my grandfather is being very clear about it with his living children and my mum is following his example of being as clear as she can with us about what her & dad want.

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58

That sounds like it is working really well for them, that is great.

I do think it is a good benefit for people who have it. What I was reading about was for younger professionals getting it now, that at this point it covers very little. Most older people would have purchased it at a time when people weren’t living quite as long or having as many interventions, and the evaluations I was reading basically were saying that the algorithms have been tweaked to cover much less in the way of nursing home care. So it might cover some interventions, but it isn’t going to preserve your assets significantly if you need years of nursing care.

Well yes, but we still purchase it because of the catastrophic risk of not having it. What I was reading was that they don’t cover much anymore so it doesn’t actually protect from catastrophic risk. I could be wrong, I only looked into it once a few years back.

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59

It’s my understanding that many companies have stopped selling it, and it’s quite expensive if you can find it.

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60

Adding my two cents, I can’t imagine life without my sister (3 years younger). I’m very, very, very close to my friends, and would die for them - but how can that compare with someone that has been with me as long as I can remember, and has seen all my highs and lows? Someone I’ve protected, fought with, at times wanted to kill, but deep down never would? My sister is someone I would not just die for, but would sacrifice everything I have and more. I’d gladly suffer in her stead if I could.

If my parents decided I’d be the last, I’d never know what having a sister could mean to me.

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61

Reviving this thread because of recent thoughts.

I’ve wanted kids so long and thought I wanted SEVERAL. But being a parent is harder, dare I say, worse than I thought.

My partner in parenting is better than I feared he might be (as someone who was never really a baby person and dragged his feet on ttc) but not as good as I hoped he’d be (and as a career martyr I have to basically be at my breaking point to ask for help). And he’s stepping up enough now for me to manage, but having such a a hard time adjusting to doing still half of what I do.

But also we had kind of a rough start? Awful labor, I was delirious for like a solid month hallucinating that there were screaming baby faces in everything, extra needs coming home (on oxygen), diagnosed special needs, PPA I took too long to get on drugs for… We had no idea what we were doing and it took us almost two weeks to work out okay sleeping arrangements, two months to actually get the nursery set up comfortably, and five and a half to work out a decent on-duty sleep shift schedule.

And I’m torn because on the one hand, probabilistic if we had another it wouldn’t be quite as bad. But also it could be worse, and we will already have another kid to take care of. I can’t imagine like, doing any more than I already am? We’ve started discussing what would have to be different in terms of agreements on division of labor and what we will do as parents to have a second kid in terms of things we can control, but there are so many unknowns. We don’t yet know if daughter’s condition is genetic or a fluke. We don’t know if a second kid will have some other condition. We don’t know if they’ll be a naturally amazing sleeper or a naturally terrible one.

And also I don’t know if I feel like our family would be better with more. Like my kid is super cool. I think she’s smart and funny and great. I want to put everything I have into her. I don’t know if I want to have her share us, our resources, etc, with a sibling. I always thought my dad was silly for saying he wasn’t sure if he wanted more because he didn’t know if he could love another as much as me but OH MAN I GET THAT NOW.But I always imagined having multiple kids, which is odd because I never really enjoyed having siblings and still don’t really as an adult?

I also have had 1/3 successful pregnancies and I really, really don’t want to have another miscarriage but I have to consider that a pretty substantial possibility.

I guess I’m grappling with going from in the “2 kids minimum” camp to leaning one and done. I’ve considered this before, when it seemed like we wouldn’t start trying until my late 30s or when we were starting to think we might need more intervention to have a baby, so I’ve been able to positively visualize what having just one would be like in the past. I just didn’t think there would be so many negative reasons for becoming more in that camp.

Anyway, idk just rambling thoughts. I was at the doctor the other day and asked about tubal ligation and he looked at me like I had four heads but like, right now it would be a relief to have the option for kids just gone. I’m probably jumping the gun with a less than six month old but THIS IS HARD AND I KNEW IT WOULD BE HARD BUT I HAD NO IDEA.

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