This is all fascinating. I am more in @LadyDuck’s camp. I was never taught to host because my family never hosted anything, except having my grandma over sometimes. I had literally zero frame of reference for how this is even done and to me it seems like everyone else instinctually knows, like, how much food and how many snacks and how much booze/pop is needed for X people.
And if someone eats a big restaurant meal, it literally does not occur to me that they might get hungry again later that day - because I can’t eat a lot at one time, and one restaurant meal will mean I am DONE, lie-on-the-couch-and-moan DONE, for the rest of the day. We ran into this a lot with my friends who visited this past weekend - we weren’t technically hosting, they stayed in a hotel and eat most meals out anyway even when home. But I’d think we had a plan and then, no, they need a snack. Which is completely fine and people should honor their bodies’ needs! It just literally didn’t occur to me.
That being said, I would never serve a specific portion to someone or offer to cut it in half (!!!).
I’m grateful that potlucks are extremely common here. That gets around the issue nicely. We’re hoping to host one once we get the table situation sorted out.
I’m finding this conversation super fascinating because my mother is of the feeling that if there aren’t leftovers of any dish (and she’ll make 10 - 15 dishes when she hosts) then she has FAILED.
This often results in sending leftovers home with guests AND an overflowing fridge the day after.
Did you ever look it up? I remember you saying you don’t like hosting, so maybe not. But I was always fascinated by 1950s style dinner parties that i will never have - so a lot of my old cookbooks have sections about hosting, as does the internet - customs vary, but feeding guests seems universal.
Personally I am happy for a dish or two to ryn out but not everything!
And if you are still thinking about it (anyone) Peg Bracken’s I hate to cook book has great basics; and now that I am often cooking for bigger groups I like to think about servings for Indian or Chinese restaurants - I need the equivalent of one if those big black dishes per person plus rice, apps or snacks and a sweet.
If all the food is gone I would worry someone didn’t get enough. I let everyone take their own portions. I always have snacks out for people. I need breakfast and lunch and then really don’t need to eat again except for a small snack at night. If I have people staying with me I keep them well fed. If I am too hungry I get a massive headache and shaky. I needed more food when younger but even then I wasn’t very hungry in the evening.
FWIW this is definitely not true in my case! I learned to cook and how to wait on guests as a little girl but I had to figure out hosting myself, which is a whole other animal. I didn’t know anything about the planning, how to manage invites, dietary restrictions, how to estimate food and drink, putting together a menu, timing everything, how to socialize while hosting, etc. I didn’t know any of that when I started, but like Elle said there are so many resources if you go back in time a little bit- including things like how much alcohol/meat/whatever to serve per person.
It’s like any skill, you get a lot better the more you do it. I definitely had some snafus early on and I still learn as I go. I hope to be even better in another 15 years! You often express that you think things are easier for other people, that other people just magically know better ways than you do, that they have none of the same obstacles in learning, or that they have access to some kind of secret knowledge you can’t get, etc. I truly don’t think that’s true for most people or most things! It takes time and effort to gain competency in most things, hosting included, IMO, so don’t let lack of mythical innate knowledge stop you if your’e interested!
And sometimes you know exactly what you’re doing and things still get screwed up! We’ve done, idk, 10-20 homemade pizza nights, and we recently had a night where something went wrong in the oven (not my territory so idk what happened) and we had an ugly calzone instead of a pizza. It was still good and as far as I know everyone had fun. All you can do is laugh at yourself and not worry about it.
I love reading about everyone’s hosting habits. My parents didn’t have a ton of adult friends over when I was growing up, so I’m realizing that my hosting role models are my bougie aunt and uncle. They’ll do a set serving of meat per person, and then everyone helps themselves to the carb and veggie options. They are famously cheap and I wonder if that plays into this!
In my circles, people aren’t big on making you leave with leftovers. I offer and will wrap things up for people, but now that I think about it, I only leave my childhood best friend’s house with leftovers? Anyways glad people here do it too so it’s not just me.
Because I know you’ve thought about this extensively: what’s your take on this? And how do other people think about this?
My wife is of the school that she just wants to cook for the first hour that we have people over and then immediately transition into cleaning after eating, and I’m trying to convince her that it’s more fun to hang out with people when they’re over. Part of it is that you can’t prep much of the pizza stuff in advance, so fall 2022 we are mixing it up more.
I also, did not have a hosting role model growing up, but I did live in a large family, with four older siblings who ate a lot, and a grandmother who lived with us part of the year. I learned a lot from watching her help feed us.
I found the easy way out as an adult - potlucks. We would invite about 20-24 church people and International students (we used to board international students). The church ladies helped organize me and provided huge amounts of food! The International students brought enough chips and pop for a small army, and gladly took home leftovers. It was a marriage made in heaven!
Now we’ve moved I only host family and friends…a max of about 7 people. We’ve had pizza nights, Korean nights, Thanksgiving dinners, etc.
I learned from the 1970s Betty Crocker cookbook, and other cookbooks, how to set up a table and a buffet.
YES. Potlucks are very very common here. People will fall over one another asking what they can bring and people like to cook here. People bring HUGE amounts. I brought a big pot of vegan dirty rice to the last one and it went over really well.
I don’t think I’d ever want to host, like, a sit down dinner party. Not my thing. But the loose relaxed potluck thing, I think that is more my speed.
My dh wants to do the socializing part, but part of hosting is that you go around and not just talk to everyone but see that they have whatever they want - more food, another beer, where is the recycling bin?
It’s fun, but it’s also a bit more work than just sitting down and talking.
I’ve done a lot of having people over for dinner and departmental parties and church things, and I agree that it’s a skill that you learn with practice and that there are all sorts of resources to get you started.
I didn’t have any sage or celery but otherwise more or less followed this.
Also, I made it in the instant pot. Sautéed the veg in there for 5 minutes or so, then dumped everything in and pressure cooked for 20-ish minutes, letting pressure release on its own after.
Oh, yeah! I should say, we like to host and have people over a lot, so I feel decently comfortable doing it. We tend to have 2-5 people over at once though, not big parties.
Oh totally, I’ve had some disasters hosting, lol. Like having to run out for more stuff mid party, having unexpected guests arrive and needing more food, getting stuff out way later than intended, etc. It happens for sure. I think pizza is actually really tough for hosting unless you have a big pizza oven.
For hosting and socializing the main thing is I don’t want guests to feel like I’m stressed. When my mom would host it was almost like she’d make a show of rushing around to the point where people felt fussed over and like, kind of like they had to be overly thankful? I don’t like that. I like for it to feel easy and like I’m still hanging out. I usually prep a LOT in advance to help with that. I do a ton of planning before hosting a lot of people, usually cooking starts like 2-3 days out so on the day by the time guests arrive it’s a matter of sticking a few things in the oven, etc. I also think it’s helped by having an open floor plan which is obviously just a luck thing, but yeah I just try to keep it feeling relaxed- because really I don’t want like “oh I’m soooo sorry you went through all this trouble!” like I know I could have people over and order takeout and that would be fine! I’m hosting the way I do because I enjoy it not so people feel like, weirdly like I’m putting myself out too much or something or like they owe me.
Filling is lightly sautéed kale, Serrano, garlic, and vaquero beans from our Rancho Gordo box with some sour cream and a dusting of Mexican shredded. Topped with tomatillo salsa. YUM
I ran out of propane when you came to visit me and had to finish all the grilled food in the oven. You guys were gracious, but it totally wasn’t what it was supposed to be. Hosting can be fraught, but good company normally smooths out the wrinkles!
Your kabobs were fabulous!
Also, things seem more relaxed here, which helps. Lots of potlucks. People seem to like to feed other people here, imagine that!
This discussion on hosting is so fascinating! I’ve never found hosting something to stress about at all - my family did it a fair bit, I was definitely required to be in the metaphorical kitchen, and I feel like starting to host things in university rooms with tiny budgets meant that I’ve always had pretty realistic expectations on what people would expect such that it hardly crossed my mind as a thing. But now I live with two housemates who almost never host - and they’ve been having discussions about how they’d like to be like the people at their church who are always ready to invite people in, but they don’t know how they do it etc. And I was finding it kind of hard to understand why they couldn’t join the dots on the things that need to be done before inviting people over (like…having a rough idea of how many people might come, actually inviting in sufficient time, and having a food plan that can accommodate some flexibility. And then on the day, just, like offering drinks when people arrive and things, and not leaving half way through the afternoon for a meeting). You’ve all helped me realise that this is quite a distinct skill and I had to learn this stuff, and just had people who were modelling how to do it?
