I haven’t read the real book (I hear it’s religious?) but I understand it how @Smacky said.
Like all “communication modalities” advice, it’s about understanding why what is easiest and natural for you isn’t being “heard” /received as well as you expect and how to adjust. Also, everyone is actually a mix and you should be doing all of them to some extent.
Also I’m not anti words, I think words and gifts can both be done in a generic cop out way or a deeply meaningful way. Like someone who’s truly inclined to Words would be good at verbally supporting, reassuring, encouraging in a variety of situations and not just have “I love you” on loop. Whatever the language it’s expressed in, a deep awareness, understanding, and appreciation of your partner needs to exist to be conveyed.
I sent it to Husband. He said he was certain that acts of service is my love language. I said he missed the point. He said he did not. Maybe, but he sure as heck didn’t want to talk about the point.
this all makes sense … but if someone says “my love language is X,” the way i have always heard that used, that means that they like to receive love in that way.
i guess, to me anyway, the way a person likes to express love is irrelevant. what matters is how it’s received. but this may be because i’m not a cis het man
See we talk about it most often as how people show their love because both husband’s and my moms primary love languages are gifts, and that’s dead last place for husband and I recieving love. So we have to remind ourselves that the moronic crap they send for our child is an important way they show their love and we need to try and take it in the spirit it was given. Easier said then done when my MIL buys my 3 year old a plastic gun or a velociraptor that screams
The podcast If Books Could Kill (with Michael Hobbes from You’re Wrong About) did a super interesting and funny episode on the book that originated the idea of love languages! Lots of discussion of how the original idea has been misinterpreted
It used to hurt my feelings SO MUCH that my first husband didn’t like my scones. BB gets offended if people don’t want to eat his desserts that he lovingly prepares so we have to talk about that, too!
I recently did DiSC training at work and one thing I really liked was that the descriptions had parts about what upsets (bothers, disturbs, triggers, etc) or scares the different communication types they broke it down to. I think it’s a lot easier and/or more necessary to learn behaviors (eg speaking up and voicing ideas/plans if you’re more reserved, asking for people’s input if you’re domineering or excitable) than it is to unlearn triggers on a visceral level… So urns a lot easier to see which one you identify with if you take that learned level away.
I’ve heard one hypothesis that your top two love languages are a) what you feel you have to give in order to deserve love and b) what you don’t get enough of in your relationships.
Like as a former weird kid that people spent time with because I would get us an A on group projects, and so my experience was in order to be “loved” I had to be needed.
And I identified with words of affirmation because no one thanked me for that shit.
