That seems like such a smart way to do it, and does make me think we should try to address the two questions separately one at a time instead of doing it all at once in such a new situation.
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I also did this. I managed both of our finances side-by-side, but then when we got legally married I combined everything.
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Hello smart people! Reviving a maybe long dead thread here because I could use some advice.
Iāve been having some conversations with my boyfriend (weāve been together about 8 months now, not living together, tentatively planning to move in in about a year) recently which have been making me nervous, and Iām having trouble parsing out my own money neuroses into a way that I feel like I can talk to him about it. The crux of the matter is that weāre in very different places financially. Iām comfortably CoastFIRE at this point, potentially looking at a career shift to something less well paid but a better aligned with my values in the next <5 years (heās been supportive of this in theory). He makes a little less than me (Iād estimate Ā£50k to my ~Ā£70k, though I donāt know exact numbers), but more pressingly has credit card debt (I think on the order of Ā£5000 - heās offered to show me the exact numbers but we havenāt had a good time yet. He has said the majority of it came from trying to keep up with his ex, who lived somewhat lavishly), and is living pretty paycheck to paycheck at the moment, and expecting to pay back the debt pretty slowly over the next few years.
This has triggered some anxiety for me, as a very debt averse person, but I think the particularly interesting question for me is how to support a partner at this stage of the relationship? We havenāt done any form of shared finances yet, and I know he feels bad about the position heās in, and I want to figure out how to help without feeling like Iām overstepping in a way that either I or he resents. Thus far, weāve talked about pushing out a holiday weād been tentatively planning until next year, and I think Iād like to talk about us having a budget that we discuss for things we do together. I might also, if heās amenable, help him look for things like whether heās eligible for lower interest balance transfer cards. There is part of me that just wants to fix things and things āI could pay that off triviallyā, but I suspect that would make me feel a little resentful at this stage, especially if anything goes wrong with the relationship. Have any of you wise folk navigated similar situations?
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I have not, but I wanted to say itās a green flag for me that he has a plan for paying the debt off. That would calm my nerves a lot. I think you can support by paying for things proportional to income rather than 50/50 (one is even, one is equitable, you know?) and keeping a list of low cost date ideas. Itās great youāre talking about this before moving in!
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I think your instincts are right to not just solve the problem for him immediately. His status quo of living (very slightly) below his means, and paying off the credit card debt slowly, seems stable enough for him.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you place high value on financial stability and independence, and his very slow repayment plan is a bit concerning for you. If you end up building a shared life together, I imagine you wouldnāt want to be the only person worrying about an emergency fund or retirement for both of you.
Maybe instead of this immediate debt, thatās where your conversations can start: what would fulfillment look like for each of you? what if x, y, z happens to your health or the world? Are there books/videos you could do together, and discuss?
I think the idea of budgeting for things you do together sounds smart too.
My spouse had a hefty grad school loan when we first started dating. I think it made a difference that he was very aggressively paying it off, and that he planned all sorts of fun, low-budget adventures and dates. That gave me confidence that he was on board with (and would be a proactive partner in) similar financial goals, even if our incomes were very different.
When we moved in together, we split small expenses 50/50 but the big expenses roughly by income (he paid rent, I paid a very expensive monthly train pass that cost almost the same as rent, and put the same amount in a new joint taxable investment fund).
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I would focus on something like this vs trying to do money for your partner at this stage of the relationship / not living together yet.
What is the approach you want to have with shared expenses or budgeting, and how can you implement that in the here & now vs trying to figure out what the presence of debt says about his money skills (or lack thereof)?
What do you want shared money to look like when you do move in together in a year? What would your expectations be at that point re: debt or other money topics?
Just some topics to think about! The answers will be different for everyone.
As will be how important it is for you to do money your way vs finding a collaborative way forward. People have really different expectations and so talking about them is the best way to figure it out.
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Yeah, Iāve found it super reassuring that heās been so willing to engage on it, though I suspect the plan has been somewhat precipitated by my feeling anxious about it.
At the moment our only shared expense is dating and travel really, and I would guess I pay a little more, but I wonder whether being a little more explicit about being happy to do that would be a good idea. It makes me a little nervous that in the medium term I would probably expect to have an actual income lower than his, but I think that would be putting the cart in front of the horse somewhat, I suspect there would be ways to account for that.
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Thanks for the reassurance that itās not selfish to not be making this offer immediately! Stability and independence are very big things for me, and I think thereās an anxious part of me that just feels like thatās at risk - not because of this debt itself so much, but worries about what that means for what finances would look like in a life together - I really donāt want to be the only person making plans, or worrying about the future. He has a little bit of an āit will work outā attitude I think, which slightly contrasts with my need to do everything in my power to make things ok. Potentially I need to chill 
.
I think I am leaning towards asking for a fair bit of collaborative transparency here (which he seems happy to give), and yeah, hopefully he rises to the challenge of meeting this proactively!
If we move in together (likely next summer if things still keep going well) I had been planning to offer to basically take the whole mortgage, and ask him to cover bills and his car expenses, which I think would a) be fairly proportional to income (or err on the side of me paying a little more), and b) not have the tricky question of him paying down my mortgage, or figuring out how to split it accounting for what Iāve able to pay down already (a little over 50%).
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Yeah, I think thatās a good plan! I think emphasising that I enjoy the low budget stuff just as much as well is helpful, because Iām really trying to avoid him feeling like heās letting me down. We had been talking about going away in October, which I think is now not going to happen, but Iām keen that we still take the time off work and treat it like a staycation and plan fun day trips or activities at home.
I had been wondering about agreeing on some sort of shared date budget pot that we both pay into each month to make that super easy - maybe even a joint account that we use just for that? I am less sure how we approach the rest of our budgeting - Iāve talked to him a little about YNAB, which I use, and encouraged him to use the tracking heās got on his bank account.
I honestly think I would feel a little uncomfortable fully combining finances until the debt is gone, so next year I suspect it would be a both pay into a joint account situation.
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When my dad started going out with his now-wife, they would take turns planning dates and covering the cost of that date 100%. So she would do more low key stuff since she didnāt have as much money, he would do spendier things that he wanted to do. So to make up an example, maybe she would pick going for a nice walk in a park with ice cream and he would plan an outing to the theater. Both things are quality time, plus then the emotional labor of planning time together is also shared.
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Honestly I really like that idea, I think itās the planning, thinking things through, etc. that I care more about sharing than the money when I think of it. I donāt know how well it would go, but we could talk about it.
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I think one thing you should watch out for is trying to do too much for him. You want things to work out, but his financial habits are a part of him. If you mask that by using the NRE to convince him to do things more āyour wayā, itās likely to bite you in the future. You can offer to help, explain your position /opinions /concerns, but let him drive. Itās his problem.
Also, I personally donāt believe in the āsplit expenses proportionallyā while dating. My view is that any negotiation starts at 50/50 on shared expenses (and pay your way for personal ones). Then if the higher earning partner wants an upgrade (nicer housing, a vacation, a restaurant) they can cover the upgrade cost (or the whole thing, as a gift). So they always have the choice, pay more or donāt do the thing. Or go alone. Lower earner always had veto power of āthatās not in my budgetā.
I think as someone who isnāt going to judge his worth or love for you by how much he spends, and more by effort and stability, you will be really good for his finances and he can show you what he is made of. But if the second he has cash flow he invests in crypto and buys a motorcycleā¦ Weāll then you know. And nothing you did would have changed his values. 
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Tagging @zinnia to chime in if she wants to (and if flowers permit). I think I remember some journaling on this topic before.
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When I was in grad school, our rent was a little over half my stipend (so my share was like 25-30% of take home). Now-spouse aggressively paid off his student loans. And generously covered the car payment.
Weāve gradually moved toward fully joint finances, especially now with baby. But itās in no way required.
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I have a close relative who lives more like boyfriend and it stresses me out, so I totally understand how you feel! I gave a one time loan (gift in my mind) with a few strings attached to help get their finances in order. It didnāt change their relationship to money so now I offer support in other ways.
I think the best thing you can do, especially as you get closer to moving in together, is to be honest. I would actually suggest some couples counseling around this topic when you start to seriously consider the next step.
There are so many ways that money can work in a relationship and there isnāt a right or wrong way as long as there is honesty and understanding in the approach.
I know people who are perfectly happy having totally separate finances (some on this forum even) throughout marriage. That might be an option to explore. Or combined savings goals that one person manages via direct deposit into a joint account with independent spending accounts outside of that. Or, or orā¦there are many options to explore.
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I think a discussion needs to be had at the very least. What is a minor irritant now, can explode into a major one later. Go with your gut feeling on this.
I agree with talking to a couples counsellorā¦especially if you donāt see actual progress after the discussion. But make sure youāre talking to a counsellor qualified in leading couples through that topic. We had pre-marital counselling and the counsellor blew over that subject with āYou both seem like mature, reasonable people. Youāll figure it out.ā Itās been a great source of stress in our relationship.
Iām speaking as someone who has struggled with her partnerās yo-yo approach to money and finances for years. We keep a mix of separate and joint accounts to preserve peace in our relationship.
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