And somehow this is why i have a better relationship to my work as an artist than I do my work as an engineer.
Oh man this stuck out for me like when my FIL told me he knew how my panic attack disorder was like because he once had a panic attack. He was trying so hard but one was not the same as the multiple I was having every day.
My husband is definitely a White Dude ™ who has had to deal with some huge insecurities & mental health and i feel like we have definitely had subtle different treatment in similar fields that led to me dropping while he’s moving into manager level stuff. The structure and general attitudes towards all employees by our employers regardless of gender was also a factor.
For most of my career it worked for me? Or I thought it did, anyway. Its one of the things that is currently making me frustrated about my job though, the vocation / passion bit. I have been told repeatedly how lucky I am to get to do this and there are a lot of days lately where I don’t feel lucky, I just feel tired and annoyed.
I’ve thought about trying to pivot, but that also sounds exhausting and I don’t really expect I am ever going to get paid more to do more interesting work at this point? And some days I am mad about that, and other days I sooth myself by running my numbers and knowing I have FU money, more or less.
this is why I find my numbers soothing I think? I can definitely do this for another 2-3 years, and if I went part time, maybe another 3-5 years–though I have wondered if “part time” might seamlessly morph into being paid less to do the same amount of work, instead of having full days away from campus.
My connection to my work is sustainable; for a short period of time. Because I’ve recognized that my priorities have shifted, and I want to add things that are not work into my week, which means substracting work things that used to take up all the space / time I had & I’m living with that friction now and trying to push through it and reclaim the time from work.
Coming back to the initial point of this discussion( I know I wandered away from it a bit, sorry) : Its like I’ve stopped paying attention to any impostor syndrome I had, I leaned into trying to be a professional for a decade + and haven’t been rewarded, really, for it so I’m over it, I want out.
Reflecting that part of my imposter syndrome is rooted in uncertainty. I don’t know if I’ll succeed so I hyperfocus on threats to that goal. It may be that people with IS, or a portion of, have an especially high sensitivity to uncertainty.
this is why I find my numbers soothing I think? I can definitely do this for another 2-3 years, and if I went part time, maybe another 3-5 years–though I have wondered if “part time” might seamlessly morph into being paid less to do the same amount of work, instead of having full days away from campus.