PS, yes @elle you are a delight and wonder of a human. 
Thank you for writing out your thoughts.
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(2) months until I get therapy via my insurance and can discuss this topic with a person who has some experience in untangling feelings. 
It’s possible I can get on Partner’s health insurance in the next week or three (?? many uknowns here) and that this will allow for both better mental health access and possibly better gender affirmation support??
But the details of the insurance and also if I can get on it are in flux right now.
I have spent the last few weeks talking online with people who are gender nonconforming and who have had top surgery. No one regrets it.
And someone reminded me that most women (although of course not all) who are 100% cis like having breasts to which I was like 
I’m still in Feeling Soup about it all. 
Of course. 
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I’m so curious about this! Because I really can’t relate but at this time in my life I believe that I am cis? Like I’m playing with my gender expression, sure, but I 100% feel that I’m a woman. So what must that be like, to actually enjoy having da boobs?
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i have no idea
Like, I’m not repulsed by them, per say. But I just… generally speaking don’t want to see them on me or interact with them. I want a null chest.
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Huh! Like @Illathrael, I am 100% cis, and I don’t really like having boobs. It’s more that they are just… there. I don’t really care about them, except for being very insecure about their size when I was younger. I think one reason is I don’t really have much or any sensation in them, except the occasional soreness around my period, so I don’t feel like they do much for me!
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Partner described it as, “I like mine. They’re inconvenient sometimes, but I like having them and don’t want them to go away.”
So there’s a data point, hahah.
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SAME! Although, I am finding that (NSFW text hidden)
Summary
Having a sexual partner who is very attentive to/appreciative of breasts has made my having them enjoyable - but like…only in that context! So if surgery impacted nipple sensitivity, I’d keep the boobs for the sake of the nips. Not planning on children or piercings, either.
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I wish boobs were detachable! I would keep mine off most of the time, I think. They’re mostly just an inconvenience. I think life without them would be much more comfortable and freeing.
Feeling Soup! That is an excellent phrase to describe things.
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I am gender non conforming but leaning more to the femme (cis)side for the past 7 years or so and I love having boobs (except when I jump up and down And then they hurt).
But also I am wlw? So maybe that is part of it? I have a strong appreciation of boob and I enjoy I have some boob always with me. Sometimes I want to detach them for aesthetic purposes but only temporarily.
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I am a woman married to a man and am well satisfied with both things. I do not like having breasts, at least not this size (36 D). I HATE ALL BRAS. The first thing I do when I get home is rip the damned thing off. Clothes never fit right in the chest and exercise is painful. However, my husband LOVES large breasts, so I put up with them for his sake. I personally would prefer to be a 36 A who could go braless.
BTW, most of my large-chested female friends feel the same way.
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God I wish I could go braless and not be distracted by the bouncy funbags who just refuse to synchronize, or that synchronize all too well. Ugh.
It is a convenient place to put a bowl of popcorn though …
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Thank you for the perspectives.
I think I’m going to ask that we close that part of the conversation, though. 
I’m feeling a little sensitive about chest stuff today.
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If changing your body increases your happiness with you I think that is awesome. You can be be even more you! I like you a lot and want you to increase your you-ness whenever possible.
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My apologies for the derailment <3
Have you and Partner been able to comb through their current policy to see what it would cover if you could be added?
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Not yet! I don’t have the high-detail copy of the plan yet, just enough to confirm that there are providers in our area. This was a mild concern as she’s a remote worker haha. She starts her new job on Monday so I’m hoping she’s able to get the scoop-a-doop then. We’ll see.
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Here to flail along as I also try to start the top surgery train rolling
turns out in order to even find out what my insurance plan will cover I have to
- call a phone number to
- have the plan documents snail-mailed to me so that
- I can pore over the legalese
so I’m posting here to motivate myself to make the phone call tomorrow.
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Fuck, I know right? I called and had some one tell me over the phone, but they’re always careful to note that phone confirmation is not technically proof of coverage as they default to legalese 100% of the time in disputes.
@__@;
So basically, 
you got this. Thinking of you.
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Actually remembered to make the phone call, I think motivation via posts can work for me. Who knew? Now I wait 15+ business days for shipping.
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YAY GOOD JOB DOING THE THING!!
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INSURANCE QUESTIONS
AKA fun times.
I’m looking into switching to Partner’s health insurance. It is a HDHP but it doesn’t seem that high deductible actually. The company contributes 1,400$ / year to the HSA. I believe I would be effectively free (no premium) as an add.
Deductible = 2K individual, (4K family)
Out of pocket max = 3.5K individual (7K family)
Question:
It is a PPO HSA plan. There are “out of network” 30% coinsurance fees and “in network” 10% coinsurance fees.
- Do the coinsurance fees add towards the deductible and out of pocket totals? Or are they like “copays” and separate?
- In a PPO can I find any therapist I want and just pay the 30% coinsurance fee? I’ve never had a PPO before.
Paging @anomalily or @Bracken_Joy or other people who deal with this shit more frequently.
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