That’s really interesting @Ckni27 ! I relate to a lot of that. I wonder sometimes if my bar is so high for friendships because of the relationship I have with DH. We are so close and connected that other relationships feel flimsy and boring by comparison. I was a wildly efficient dater too, and I do think that’s part of why my relationship is, as the children say “goals”. Haha, I eliminated a lot of iffy potentials right off the bat and had a no second chances rule for the most part. Definitely paid off, of course a lot of it is a numbers game too.
I also had the friendships crumbling due to me putting in about 90% of the effort while the other person sucked me dry. Kind of going through that now in fact! It’s nice to read that you had a similar realization. For a long time I thought I was too judgmental, because I’d instantly read someone as selfish or unkind or whatever, and lots of other people around me would seem to love these same people and not see it at all. So I kind of started ignoring that internal alert and thinking I was just overly critical. The thing is, time after time I end up being right. Those relationships inevitably blow up and everyone is blindsided while I’m like “damn it, I knew that person was a jerk within 5 minutes of meeting them, and I ignored it!” LOL, so yeah, I’m not ignoring that sense anymore. Are you really good at sales? Because I do think this sense of people helps in that area, or at least it has for me.
With family stuff (DH and I both had really rough starts), I basically do just what I need to to feel ok morally and make the other party feel at ease and loved, but I can do all that without any real emotional investment or attachment to the person as an individual, which is how I draw the line for myself. I do all the compassionate/kind things, but they don’t really get to know me and they never will. I forgive them completely, and I don’t have much anger left in me at this point, but I’m also not going to put myself at risk ever again, not with them. It’s a balance I’m happy with!
This is me and H as well. He was my first serious boyfriend and it sounds cliche but I pretty much knew right away that he was it. I had actually put dating aside because I didn’t date much in high school and was ready to go into college and not worry about dating but then he came along and made things easy for me in that regard.
SO much this. I kept thinking that if all these other people around me liked this person there had to be something I was missing about them. Then things would crumble and I’d be like “yep, saw that coming.” It can feel isolating at times because I feel like I’m waiting around for everyone to see what I see. I hate to seem like I’m so negative about people but it really is more like I just made an assessment and decided not to give that relationship any of my resources. Surprisingly I do not feel like I’m good at sales at all for myself. I am good at sales for other people, which is partially why I think consulting works for me? I find it hard to sell my own business but I feel like I am great at selling other people’s.
I wish I could be more like you in regards to family. With my own family I am more able to do that but with my ILs it is really hard. I think that is in part because I have seen firsthand the harm they have done to H (and continue to do) and that makes me just rage. Especially with Bobbin now in the picture I refuse to give them the opportunity to hurt her the way they have hurt him. The way I see it is that he is an adult who can choose to interact with them and deal with what that brings. She isn’t, so my protective instincts kick in. I have completely severed a relationship with my MIL, though she thinks we have one (despite me explicitly saying, in writing to her, that I no longer want a relationship with her) and I will be nice when I have to see her face to face (rarely) but we’ve got strict rules about interacting with her now due to the shit she pulls. I’ve still got lots of anger and I think that comes from the fact that she keeps pulling the same shit and I can’t get away from it completely because H still has a relationship with her out of guilt and obligation. I desperately want better for him and when that never happens I get mad. Practicing letting go of that but balancing it with my desire to show Bobbin that no relationship is worth your mental/physical health and that she deserves to have boundaries in her relationships, even with those closest to her.
Wow, so many similarities! DH and I moved in together after 2 weeks of dating, I knew he was it immediately too! We also met young (me 21, him 25) but I dated a LOT before that.
Oh man, watching the train wreck in slow-mo is the WORST. I had this happen in a spectacular fashion with some former roommates, I was good friends with 2 of them, and they invited this new roommate in who, I swear, the second I met her I was like “uh-oh”. But they loved here so much, took her word over mind even when I was like, “uh, be careful, she seems super crazy” and then of course she ended up being a total psycho. My friend later apologized for not listening to me, lol.
The other thing is, I don’t feel negative feelings toward the person even if my assessment of them is negative. Like I can still feel compassion for them while also thinking “you seem a bit off” and I think people confuse my discernment for close-mindedness or something? It’s odd.
Um, are you a business consultant? I think I remember reading that in your journal… because I am too (as well as a professional writer). Haha, weird!
I can see why your family approach is different to mine. If I had kids my entire strategy would change, and I’d be far less likely to be as ok being around them as I am now. I think that’s prudent, honestly.
This whole paragraph is exactly what happened when my brother got together with my ex-SIL. I knew her before he did and knew she was 100% crazytown but both he and my entire family were not seeing it and actively angry at me for pointing it out. Well, 10 years and probably six figures in lawyer fees for divorce and custody proceedings that are still going on, they see what I warned them about.
I’m like that too, it’s like just making an observation about that person that doesn’t really have feelings attached. I usually find myself thinking “ok this person isn’t my type of person”. Usually there isn’t a harsh judgement behind it, more like a statement of fact. They might be someone else’s type of person which is fine.
Yep! I consult for small businesses and help them develop marketing strategies on social media. I also have a clothing line that I design and manufacture myself.
When it comes to conceiving ideas and starting projects, especially involving other people, Campaigners have exceptional talent. Unfortunately their skill with upkeep, administration, and follow-through on those projects struggles.
Haha, spot on. I do well with savings because I put things on autopilot. 401k set to automax, 529 contributions auto deduct, IRA contributions auto deduct, savings direct deposited to savings account. I make budgeting into a project that I can update in a short amount of time each month so that I don’t get too bogged down in the boring parts.
This was really interesting, I’ve never done a personality test before. I got ISFJ-T (Defender personality) and reading the descriptions was like reading my mind. I can also relate to a lot of what @AllHat is mentioning about knowing people right away, whether good or bad. I get flack from some of my friends for making quick judgements about someone I don’t like, but I’m 99.999% of the time completely spot on. And like you said, I don’t have negative feelings towards the person necessarily, until they do something to cause that, but I just know they are a bit off. Occasionally my manager has me sit in interviews with prospective new employees, and I have been 100% right in the past 3 years on who will end up being trouble, and who will be a loyal employee. Unfortunately they don’t often listen to my instincts, and hire people with huge red flags (to me) who end up just causing trouble/getting fired in the long run
It was really interesting to me the information about relationships, and also work style. As I was reading I understood why all of my past relationships have been terrible for me, and why all of my past jobs have as well! My current job is probably the closest to fulfilling my desire to help and make everyone happy. My last relationship was 0% fulfilling, because I was attempting to help and give to a partner who didn’t appreciate me or my efforts at all. The most interesting thing I read that was spot on about me was that while I will know that a relationship or job is not fulfilling my needs, I tend to let things stretch on for too long in hopes to avoid hurting feelings/causing conflict.
