That’s really interesting @Ckni27 ! I relate to a lot of that. I wonder sometimes if my bar is so high for friendships because of the relationship I have with DH. We are so close and connected that other relationships feel flimsy and boring by comparison. I was a wildly efficient dater too, and I do think that’s part of why my relationship is, as the children say “goals”. Haha, I eliminated a lot of iffy potentials right off the bat and had a no second chances rule for the most part. Definitely paid off, of course a lot of it is a numbers game too.
I also had the friendships crumbling due to me putting in about 90% of the effort while the other person sucked me dry. Kind of going through that now in fact! It’s nice to read that you had a similar realization. For a long time I thought I was too judgmental, because I’d instantly read someone as selfish or unkind or whatever, and lots of other people around me would seem to love these same people and not see it at all. So I kind of started ignoring that internal alert and thinking I was just overly critical. The thing is, time after time I end up being right. Those relationships inevitably blow up and everyone is blindsided while I’m like “damn it, I knew that person was a jerk within 5 minutes of meeting them, and I ignored it!” LOL, so yeah, I’m not ignoring that sense anymore. Are you really good at sales? Because I do think this sense of people helps in that area, or at least it has for me.
With family stuff (DH and I both had really rough starts), I basically do just what I need to to feel ok morally and make the other party feel at ease and loved, but I can do all that without any real emotional investment or attachment to the person as an individual, which is how I draw the line for myself. I do all the compassionate/kind things, but they don’t really get to know me and they never will. I forgive them completely, and I don’t have much anger left in me at this point, but I’m also not going to put myself at risk ever again, not with them. It’s a balance I’m happy with!